Bob Fitzgerald

A peek inside Warrior headquarters

(Inside the office of Warriors President Robert Rowell, who’s alternately staring at and kissing a 8×10″ framed photo of Don Nelson on his wall). . .

Robert Rowell: (singing) Ohhh Nellie, you came and you gave without takin’. . . but then you WENT away, oh Nellie. . . well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin’. . . and I need you today, OH NELLIE!!!

(A knock at the door)

Rowell: Nellie???

Raymond Ridder: No Robert, it’s me. R-squared!

Rowell: C’mon Raymond, you know I’m the ranking R-Squared around here, the main double-R, the Rolls Royce of this organization (Rowell turns and winks at no one in particular, causing Ridder to check if there’s a hidden camera in Rowell’s bookcase, which currently consists of nothing but hardcovers authored by Ann Coulter and Rick Pitino). Now let’s go back outside and do that one over.

(Ridder goes back outside, closes the door and knocks on it again)

Rowell: Yessssss?

Ridder: Um, R-Squared?

Rowell: What is it, Raymond? In trouble with all those big, tough, bloggers again? Wait, let me guess, Tim Kawakami just called and asked you to email him your lunch money! Ha. . . Ha. . . Ha. You PR people are soft, whiney little fools, actually admitting when you do stuff people don’t like. You know what I told people when they asked me if Mullin was still the GM? I told them that he was, even though he had less power than that Oakland Madam who supplies those reprehensible outfits to the Warrior Girls! Now hurry up, I’m busy surfing that internet you love so much, pricing tickets to Maui.

Ridder: Is that really such a good idea? I thought I heard Don say he didn’t want any visitors this offseason. Wait, were you kissing that picture of coach on your wall before I came in here?

Rowell: No…

Ridder: Then why do I see mouth stains all over the glass?

Rowell: That was a bird. Came in here, and pooped right on the glass. Flew out of here before I could catch it and reprimand it, like a winged version of Monta Ellis. Stupid Monta. I said we should just kill him, but Nellie said he tried doing that with Avery Johnson in Dallas and it didn’t work. Too quick to catch. Anyway, I believe the bird was some sort of finch or something. Maybe a sparrow. Never mind that.

Ridder: Then why are you going to Maui? I thought coach told us not to call him unless Andrea Bargnani becomes available!

Rowell: How do you know I’m going to visit Nellie? Oh Nellie, you came and you. . . um, ahem. No, I’m just going to catch some rays on Hawaii’s most beautiful island with my good ‘ol buddy, Larry Riley!

Larry Riley: Yee-haw!!! Did I hear someone say Maui?

Ridder: God, Larry! How many smoke breaks do you take per day? You smell like Keith Richards’ teeth!

Riley: (phlegm cough) Hey Stone Cold, isn’t there some sort message board you need to go bring some positivity to? R-Squared and I need to go to Maui and find out who we’re allowed to draft this year if Stephen Curry isn’t available.

Ridder: Larry, that’s your job to draft players! Who do you want to pick? You’re the GM!

Riley: No Howie Mandel, my job is to procure scotch and cigars, coordinate Nellie’s poker games on the road and give foot-rubs to Mr. R-Squared over here (Rowell nods once in approval). Player personnel decisions? Ho-ho-ho (cough), that’s a little over my paygrade (hack). Besides, Nellie and I share a brain. Hopefully we can share a liver, too, har, har, har!!! (wheeze)

Ridder: God, why didn’t I take that job with the Sacramento Monarchs? Robert, the reason why I came in here was I wanted to show you the new positive Warrior blog I created. It’s a place where PR guys like me and the rest of the staff can shape the conversation towards more positive, season ticket-related topics. It’s hell-of neat, as the kids like to say. Let me open it up on your computadora so you can check it out!

Rowell: You better open it up on a new window, I have one first class ticket and one coach ticket to Maui ready to purchase on that page and I don’t want you to screw it up!

Riley: One first class and one coach? What gives, R-Squared?

Rowell: I hope you don’t mind riding a dozen or so rows behind me, Lar. We’re in a real tough economy right now, and. . . well. . . I get a wicked second-hand buzz inhaling the whiskey that seeps from your pores.

Ridder: How come nobody ever pays attention to me besides Kawakami? And Robert, why do you have this picture of Nellie drinking wine with a mustache as your desktop wallpaper?

Rowell: None of your business, Kevin Youkilis.

Ridder: Anyway, look at this hot new site, Robby! Now this is what I call positive! With an F!

Rowell: “HappyWarriorFunTime.net?” You couldn’t even get a “.com”? What’s with all the balloons, rainbows and sparkly shit everywhere? And who the hell is going to read this if your name’s on it, anyway? The real blogs are going to have a field day with this thing.

Ridder: That’s the thing, R-Squared, the only person writing for this site that uses his real name is Bob Fitzgerald, who’s promised to write a weekly column called “Injuries Are a Detriment to the Success of NBA Teams,” which should really include some groundbreaking stuff. But all us PR types have really cool aliases. I’m “Don’t Have A Cow Man,” Sheila in marketing calls herself “Section 120 4 Life,” Jeremy in sales’ name is “GR8 Tyme Out” and intern Darryl’s name is “BuyFoamFingersEveryGame.” All the sports bloggers will think we’re real Warrior fans just talkin’ hoops, the value of being a season ticket holder and just how delicious that Indian food is behind Section 119! “Mmmm, Tandoori Chicken and Stack-Jack, that’s a win-win combination!” That’s the last post I made on our message boards. Radical!

Rowell: Just make sure you don’t tell the fans anything that’s really happening. Don’t say a word about my trip to Maui with Denis Leary over here, how we’re picking Stephen Curry or the fact that I wanted to kill Monta. Remember, R-Squared runs this bitch. G-g-g-g-g-g G-Unit!

Ridder: No problem, thanks for letting me run this site. The Bay Area needs some positivity!

Riley: (pulls out a flask full of Jameson) I got your positivity right here, Ridder! (gulp, gulp, gulp). Now let’s get to Maui! Yee-haw!

Rowell: Just as soon as I print these tickets out. And Larry, if Don and I are in the hot tub alone this trip, don’t take that as an open invitation to hop in this time.

Riley: Don’t worry R-Squared, I’ll be downstairs in Nellie’s smoking room, watching videotape of James Harden. He’d really fit right in around here — as long as Nellie says he will. I’m going outside to smoke before we go, can’t wait to have Nellie tell me what to do in person for once!

Ridder: James Harden, that sounds great! I’m going to start writing some positive stuff about him right now!

(Both men leave, door shuts)

Rowell: (singing) I never realized, how happy you made me, Oh Nellie. . . Well, you came and you left and I’m going, all the WAYYYY to Maui, Oh Nellie. . . (kisses the Nelson picture again). . . Soon we’ll be enjoying wine together, my friend. Together.

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