Ben Roethlisberger

ADHD time, hold the Ritalin

Can’t remember a time like this, when every single Bay Area pro squad seemed relevant in some way or another. That doesn’t mean they’re all doing well, just that you can bring them up without seeming like a PR-person for the team you’re talking about. Let’s dive in, short attention span style.

— After being as sure as could be that the Raiders would sign Terrell Owens and having to admit I was wrong afterward (Oh wait, I didn’t admit I was wrong? Totally meant to…), I cannot wait until the Raiders trade multiple draft picks to the Steelers for Ben “Look at my gray penis” Roethlisberger.

— Really though, the Raiders would be perfect for Pig Ben. A head coach who’s sympathetic to his cause, no quarterbacks to compete with once the suspension is over, and no girls in Oakland to serve as rape-temptation. Wait, there ARE girls in Oakland? Can we get a ruling on this?

— The 49ers signed Travis LaBoy, who’d make the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars if he his first and last names traded places, so where does that leave Manny Lawson? My guess? As an All-Pro linebacker for the Patriots in 2010. If they can work their magic with Tully Banta-Cain, Lawson might turn into Julius Peppers in New England.

— Another prediction sure to be wrong: I have a sneaking suspicion the Niners trade up tomorrow night and snag Eric Berry. Not that the 49ers have ever had any success building their defense around a Hall-of-Fame safety.

— I hopped on the Sharks bandwagon last night and watched most of last night’s game. Of course, are you really on the bandwagon if you’re only watching due to morbid curiosity? Anyway, if you’re expecting some cogent analysis on the Sharks or the NHL in general, you’re going to go away disappointed (but not surprised). The more hockey I watch, the more flukey the outcomes seem. The ‘Lanche controlled the puck in the Sharks’ zone twice as long as the Sharks did the opposite in the third period and overtime, but the Sharks won. And that concludes this year’s edition of “Hockey Talk.”

— Good article from Sherman Sherwood Strauss pimping Stephen Curry for ROY, but the best thing about it is his description of what it means to “pull a Kawakami.”

— If you have any hope that the Warriors will soon be owned by Larry Ellison, don’t read this.

— I don’t get all the indignation over the A’s only drawing “19,849” fans to yesterday’s game against the Yankees. It could be the 1927 Yankees visiting and I wouldn’t have wanted to sit through last night’s weather in the Coliseum. However, if Justin Dukesherererer and Ben Sheets can stay healthy and Gio Gonzalez can simply stay upright, I might take the A’s rotation over the Giants. OK, that’s not true, but it’s close. Four guys with mid-2.00 ERA, no wonder they’re 9-6 with an offense that rivals the 2009 Giants.

— Speaking of offense, the Giants have hit into 20 double plays while their defense has turned 6 of them. They just grounded into another double play while you were reading that.

— For those of you who haven’t checked out Henry Schulman’s blog yet, you have to do yourself a favor. I’m not talking about The Splash, which has been playing catchup in an Extra Baggs world since its inception, but San Francisco Ball Scribe. Of course it’s well-written, but the surprising thing is just how damned funny it is. Schulman sheds the Chronicle’s censors here, and that means we get to see Schulman’s dry wit and constant self-deprecation (are you really THAT fat, Henry?) and a few behind-the-scenes tidbits that make me wish that I lived in a world where it was possible for someone under 40 to get a gig as a team’s beat writer.

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