Andres Torres

Bleachers 101: Intro to S.F. Giants

I caught yesterday’s surprisingly frustrating Giants game from the middle of the left field bleachers, where it’s apparent that a large percentage of the ticket-buying public could use a tutorial on what the San Francisco Giants viewing experience really entails. Sure, everyone knows that Barry Bonds hit a lot of homers, that Tim Lincecum is good and that Barry Zito is baseball’s Gavin Newsom, only richer.

However, from what the girls behind me were saying (and by “girls” I mean women in their 20’s), even the fans in the bleachers could stand to brush up on their Giants knowledge.

Let’s see, ladies: drinking/spilling beer, kicking me in the kidneys every other inning and dropping expensive cameras (“Oh, my Gaaawwwwd! I did the same thing at the Britney Spears concert!!!”)? Check.

Understanding that rooting for Lincecum to induce a double play in the eighth inning — when the Giants and Angels are tied 3-3 with no outs with a runner on third — is completely moronic? Not so much.

So as a public service, here are some short lessons that not just drunk bleacher chicks, but every fan should know, about the 2009 San Francisco Giants:

Chapter One: Fan etiquette

–If you’re an extremely tipsy girl sitting behind me and you ask your friend, “Does he have a small penis,” I’m going to turn around and look at you. Especially if I just picked your expensive camera up off the concrete and handed it to you three minutes ago. If this embarrasses you, maybe you shouldn’t allert everyone within earshot of your size-queen ways.

–The baseball game is in the direction of that huge expanse of grass and dirt. It’s called the “field.” Contrary to popular belief, the game is not being held behind that giant Coke bottle behind the bleachers or next to the “Build A Bear” booth. Feel free to turn around every once in a while and watch the game; your friend won’t ditch you if you aren’t staring at him or her the entire time.

–If you have no intention of buying one, yelling “snow cone” at the snow cone vendor isn’t funny, it’s just annoying and mean to the person who has the worst vending job in the stadium.

Chapter Two: Know your surroundings

–Thanks to Katherine, who sat with SGL and I yesterday, I learned that the kielbasa at Mays Field is delicious. Well, the sausage part is, but the vegetables surrounding the kielbasa are pretty bland. The bun too. But the kielbasa itself is almost enough to make me order something besides a Cha Cha Bowl. Almost.

–If you have the chance to use the restroom under the bleachers, do it. Late in the game I went to the restroom down the left field line on the main concourse, and there were 50 guys waiting in line to ENTER the restroom. So I turned around and went downstairs where there were at least 25 open urinals. (By the way, really nice of the folks who built Pac Bell Park to install as many women’s facilities as men’s, since we all know that the female-to-male ratio at baseball games is exactly 50/50. Sheesh.)

–You really don’t have to listen to any instructions an usher tells you, because they will keep on walking after telling you that you can’t stand there, you can only stand here.

–If you’re waiting until after the game to buy beer at one of the bars across the street from Mays Field due to pricing concerns, don’t. It’s not much cheaper at any of these overpriced peddlers of Stella Artois in plastic cups. I wonder if they utilize “dynamic pricing” on their beer like the Giants do with their tickets.

Chapter Three: Learn your team

–Yep, that was the same Matt Palmer who allowed 30 baserunners in 12.2 innings for the Giants last year. And yes, that means at this rate Pat Misch is going to win the 2011 AL Cy Young.

–When the Giants hit a home run to right field — like Travis Ishikawa did yesterday — don’t take it for granted. It might never happen again.

–Ishikawa at home (.384/.425/.548): good.

–Ishikawa on the road (.093/.220/.116): not good. Away from home, Bruce Bochy might as well start Bill Neukom at first.

–Yes, that is Tim Lincecum’s attempt at a mustache.

–Bruce Bochy leaves his starting pitchers in too long, except for those times when he doesn’t.

–That outfielder for the opposing team is NOT a bum, as the Giants could probably use him (note: this is a lesson I still haven’t learned yet myself, so don’t feel bad).

–The jumbotron operators didn’t show us that last replay of Andres Torres getting thrown out at home because they just love us too damn much.

–Pablo Sandoval will never win a gold glove.

–Still, no matter what the Giants PR people say, vote for Sandoval to make the NL All-Star Team, not Bengie Molina. The Giants won’t trade Molina before the deadline anyway, so there’s no use upping his resale value.

–The Giants are a .500 team. That means that each series sweep against the Athletics will be met by an equal an opposite series sweep at the hands of the Angels. Giants baseball is like physics that way.

Alright class, there are your lessons for the week. However, your teacher the BASG is always learning new things about the Giants himself. If you as students have any tips or factoids I missed, please submit them in the comments section. You may even get extra credit.

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