I know what you’re gonna say.

“You’re just bitter because he went to the Dodgers!”

Not true.

In fact, I see Brian Wilson’s beard as a completely separate entity from the man itself. Anything that has its own ponytail can go ahead and be its own thing. Brian Wilson THE MAN sacrificed his arm to help the Giants win a World Series. That wiry, overgrown, and artificially colored mass of dead fibers is an insult to good beards everywhere. And I have hated it from 2011 on.

According to Radar Online, 800Razors.com has offered Wilson roughly $1 million to shave his beard publicly and become their new brand ambassador. Wow, that’s not overpaying for something stupid or anything. Either way, I’m for him signing this endorsement because I don’t want to have to look at that thing in the postseason after the Dodgers inevitably clinch the division.

Unfortunately, it was reported that the furry mammal Wilson refers to as a “beard” will not be going anywhere. Despite the all the rumors, the beard was never ever in jeopardy. Because that thing is far too majestic and moral to be shaved for money.

Side note: I’m pretty sure Brian Wilson is trying to channel Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones with his pony-tail beard:

Brian Wilson Khal Drogo

A few reasons why Brian Wilson will never be fit to be a horse lord:

  • The Dothraki’s long hair symbolizes strength and winning battles and stuff. Brian Wilson’s symbolizes grossness.
  • I’m pretty sure no Khalessi would be down with a beard that looked like something you would find in someone’s swimsuit area.
  • To my knowledge, Khal Drogo never had anyone named “The Machine” in his khalasar.
  • Brian Wilson would probably look a fool with eyeliner on.

Hey Dodgers – how about “beard scrunchie” giveaways?

In the words of Weez himself, “You’re Welcome.”