Candlestick Tomorrow

The Chronicle’s Matier and Ross detailed the future plans for the area where Candlestick Park currently sits, and it’s as lame as anyone could’ve feared.

Check out the video above to get a sneak peak at developer Lennar Urban’s just-released video tour of the new high-end outdoor mall and high-rise homes being planned for the site of The Catch.

According to the developer, the 10-year, multibillion-dollar remake of Candlestick Point will include 780,000 square feet of retail space, up to 150,000 square feet of offices, plus a 2,000- to 3,000-square-foot performance hall and 50,000 square feet of community space. There will also be more than 6,000 homes and 100-plus acres of parks and open space.

Don’t check out the video. Just trust me on this. Pain. Searing, unforgiving, childhood-destroying pain. That’s what that video is. It’s almost as depressing as watching the second half of the NFC Championship Game on a constant loop.

Candlestick mall

Lennar Urban’s plan is as ludicrous as it is bland. Any complaints about Candlestick Park began with how damned cold the place is, so whoever thought an outdoor mall would tempt shoppers should get fired. There’s nothing “high-end” shoppers want more than to have their Sur La Table bag blown out of their hands while strolling between Neiman Marcus to Pinkberry!

Candlestick Mall 2

No one builds malls anymore, because no one shops at malls anymore unless there are no other viable choices. Besides the internet, there are about a million different stores within 10 miles of Candlestick Point, most in nicer neighborhoods where the climate isn’t best suited for windsurfing or kite-flying.

candlestick high rises

Then you have the high rises, which look like the remnants of a future society in some movie about the remaining survivors in some desolate wasteland after a nuclear holocaust.

The units with views of the bay wouldn’t be so bad; the ones on the other side facing Highway 101 would only be tempting to people who really, really wanted to live in San Francisco proper. Either way, it’s hard to imagine how going out on the balconies (if there are any) would be a safe endeavor when the wind picks up.

M&R also talk about what’s planned for Candlestick Park in its last year:

“We got a lot of things cooking,’’ said Rec and Park General Manager Phil Ginsburg.

Nothing to announce just yet, but parksdepartment officials are eyeing everything from high-level exhibition soccer matches to celebrity games featuring past Giants and 49ers stars, to a “community day’’ open house.

The big Hail Mary hope is still for a farewell concert starring Paul McCartney late this summer or early in the fall.

In other words, a whole lot of nothing so far. How about demolition plans?

Once Candlestick does host its last event — possibly in September or October — it will still take another three months for crews to strip out anything of value, including seats, generators, boilers and wiring.

The stadium will then be turned over to Lennar, which is mulling whether to bring in the wrecking ball or simply implode the stadium with dynamite.

Whatever Lennar decides, it will take some time to get all the permits and do the prep work — which will probably push the demolition date to early next year, according to the company’s regional vice president, Kofi Bonner.

It will be another year after that, he says, before any new buildings start rising on the site.

THE WRECKING BALL? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Candlestick Park deserves a quick end, not some long, drawn out pecked-to-death-by-hummingbirds kind of demise. Plus, the only solace I’ve taken from The Stick going away is that I can park myself on one of the nearby hills with a camera and film the scene when the stadium implodes and crumbles to the ground.

Lennar, I’m begging you — if you’re going to make this flawed, magical area a McNeighborhood, please at least spring for some dynamite so I can get some extra YouTube hits. It’s very least you could do.