I’ll let your imagination tell you which 4-letter word I censored there.

But today, the BASG penthouse was awash in hip checks, empty-net goals and white guy beards (and this time, I’m not just talking about mine). Russia/Czech Republic was the appetizer, and USA/Canada was the best meaningless game any of us have seen since the Patriots went to 16-0 in 2007 with their 38-35 win over the Giants. So without further ado, here’s 10 thoughts about all that crazy hockey.

1. The Russian team is surprisingly likable. Alex Ovechkin is great, and we all know that, but isn’t it easier to like Russians now than it has ever been? I give all the credit to Andrei Kirilenko and his wife.

2. NBC execs have been in full o-face mode all evening, even though the American hockey team beat Canada for the first time since 1960 ON MSNBC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. The NBC forgoing USA/Canada in favor of ice dancing tonight was the sports equivalent of All My Children interrupting all their normal storylines in favor of “UFC Week.” (NBC, after the Conan/Leno fiasco and a near-decade of shoddy non-Thursday night programming, if you don’t start showing USA hockey games on the network starting Wednesday, we’ll know for certain that you are trying to sabotage the peacock brand for eternity.)

4. It always makes me feel old to see Chris Drury score goals, whether it’s in the NHL or in the Olympics. When you remember watching a guy pitch in Little League World Series as a kid yourself, and then you see the same guy have a decade-long hockey career that seems like it won’t end, you start counting the gray hairs on your own playoff beard.

5. Weird scene between periods when Russia played the Czech Republic: Jeremy Roenick and Mike Milbury having a “Crosby vs. Ovechkin” argument, and Milbury goes with Ovechkin while Roenick, who just days ago took Milbury to task for failing to give Ovechkin his due, says he’d take Crosby. In other words, studio shows are even more bullshitty than we thought.

6. Ryan Kessler’s empty net goal was one of the most amazing athletic feats I’ve seen in years. Too bad the only replay NBC showed was from a camera that was behind the puck.

7. At least they showed the group of “happy humans” that the color commentator described. Really? Happy humans? As opposed to happy marsupials? Happy elephants? Alliteration isn’t always your friend.

8. What are the odds that Gary Radnich goes on the air on Monday morning, starts talking about college basketball and answers another Dibley squawk-fest with, “Name four players on Team USA!”?

9. One thing Canada might want to work on: their constant three-man-weave FAILs when on the power play. Sure, it’s nice to hold the puck and pass it amongst three teammates all within 20 feet of the crease, but if the passes are robotic and the defense has been set longer than a “box and one” zone in basketball, you might want to try a different tactic, like moving.

10. Most of all, I’m shocked about what happened tonight in terms of my own interest level. What am I missing about the NHL? Is it this exciting all the time? Ever? I was completely transfixed the entire afternoon and evening, and it was like I was a born-again hockey fan. I was explaining the power play, lines and shifts to SGL. I yelled during multiple American and Russian goals (I’m such a communist). I’m going to have to start paying attention to the NHL, at least a little, once this whole Olympics vacation is over. Hell has frozen over. Pigs have flown.

Related posts:

1. The Olympics soap opera rolls on…
2. USA Olympic Basketball: a look ahead
3. The Giants got a lot younger while I was in Canada

Alright, I’ll just go ahead and tell you why I got on. First of all, I use it for my work website and the thing is damn near magical. I’m running a website for accountants from scratch, with nobody knowing this site exists, and about a grand total of 4 hours on Twitter has boosted the site by about 900%. Then I heard Damon Bruce (another Twitter backtracker) say he had a very interesting Q&A from Lowell Cohn that he put on his page.

Lowell Cohn?

Yeah, Lowell Cohn. The guy is pretty amazing, isn’t he? He’s like the Bay Area’s version of Woody Allen, although he was persecuted for not being as Glenny Dickeyish as Glenn Dickey instead of getting in trouble for sleeping with his girlfriend’s adopted daughter.

(Side note: Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, Vincent Gallo…I’ve even heard from an unnamed source that Francis Ford Coppola is a little pervy, and his last movie starred Gallo. If I ever have a daughter, it’s tough to think of a worse occupation for her future boyfriend/husband than movie director. OK, maybe “strip club DJ,” but I can’t think of any others)

Back to the interview, which really is gold. First of all, Anthony Randolph won’t be starting. Corey Maggette will. Oh, that’s terrific. Now we have to wait until Maggette’s inevitable post-concussion syndrome to rear its head like Putin in Alaska (according to Mrs. “Going Rogue,” anyway) before Randolph collects more than 18 minutes per game. So much for drafting him in every fantasy draft this season, that’ll be more frustrating than having your fantasy football sleeper be Josh Morgan (not that anyone I know did that….crap).

Randolph has a bruised tailbone and a sore lower back, and Nellie had this frightening back-and-forth with Cohnie:

Nelson: I don’t think I have Randolph anyway. He’s really been hurting and he hasn’t been playing up to his potential for several weeks now.

Cohn: Because he’s hurt?

Nelson: I think so. I’m not sure. A lot of times guys take a step back before they go forward. I don’t know if it’s injury or it’s that situation.

God, I hope Randolph hasn’t become a Walnut Creek club guy. I hope Nellie’s doing his Nellie thing, seeing 20 sure ppg from Maggette, and not reacting to a new Randolph, a Randolph who really enjoys Grey Goose and 40-ouncers.

Because then we can blame Nellie for all this team’s troubles (along with Chris Cohan and R-squared), and at least the Warriors have a talented player we can count on.

Wait, what am I worried about? I saw Randolph go coast-to-coast against the Suns a couple weeks ago in a fashion that made Reggie Miller froth at the mouth. Nellie’s the same old Nellie, the guy who always falls back into old bad habits like starting Monta Ellis and C.J. Watson together and benching Randolph in favor of a guy who proved nothing last year besides the fact that he’s a much better 6th man than anything else he’s ever been on the court.

Even worse than people jabbering on and on about Twitter are the imbeciles who use “It is what it is” as a constant crutch whenever the subject turns somewhat negative. Just check this out, and keep in mind these words were spoken by a professional basketball coach who has a guaranteed contract through next year for more millions than any of us will ever see in our lifetimes.

Cohn: This year you have a chance to become the winningest coach. How do you feel about that?

Nelson: I don’t feel much about it. I’d like to get it out of the way so people would stop talking about it. Maybe I should take that as what it is. I really don’t know what it means, maybe that I’ve been around a long time. Won a lot of games. Lost a lot of games. It is what it is.

Cohn: You say that a lot, it is what it is.

Nelson: I do. Because that’s a fact. There’s only so much you can do.

Cohn: So “it is what it is” means “some things are out of my control.”

Nelson: There you go. Learn to be patient.

Good thing Warriors fans are the most patient fans on the planet who don’t root for middling English Premiere League teams. They’re going to need a lot of it this year. And next. And next…

Related posts:

1. Don Nelson wastes Crawford’s sick day
2. Don Nelson: drunk Jerry Seinfeld
3. Is it tanking if you win?

Now I’m beginning to embrace the blackout rule. Cherish it, if you will. I even kneel in front of my television, can of “Simpler Times” Trader Joe’s beer in my hand (don’t knock it until you’ve tried it…it’s like cheaper, really good Pabst), and give thanks every other Sunday (give or take) for the blackout policy. Because blackouts mean that  just because I refuse switch to that satellite dish company and shell out $200 for the NFL ticket, I’m not subjected to JaMarcus Russell throwing passes at Zach Miller’s and DHB’s feet all afternoon. I’d way rather watch Arizona/Seattle than see the Eagles win by 45.

You know who will attend the Raiders/Eagles game that may or may not make a sound? Falcon Heene, the world-infamous not-actually-in-the-balloon boy who last night let it be known on CNN with Wolf Blitzer that he and his family pulled off their balloon-related PR stunt “for the show.” As punishment for letting the proverbial cat out of the bag, his father is forcing Falcon to fly out to Oakland today and attend the Raiders game this Sunday. Watch Falcon’s reaction below during his appearance on The Today Show.

Related posts:

1. Mark Sanchez scarfs hot dog during blowout of Raiders
2. T.O.’s Available? Al Davis to the rescue!
3. The greatnuss of tha Raiduhs cannot be ignored

Let me explain: when you’re at the house of one or both of your parents, the maximum amount of times you can ask for something to be recorded on their DVR is once per trip. Our one request was that my dad tape the Washington/LSU game from Saturday night, as I decided to throw a bone to my Husky girlfriend. Wait, that came out wrong. She’s actually quite fit, it’s just that she graduated from Washington and loves their struggling football program. Crap, I’m totally going to be in the doghouse for this one. Too bad I don’t know how to delete things.

Anyway, a lot happened that I missed. Let’s dive in:

– After the Giants were on National TV/Radio twice this weekend (Saturday and Labor Day), now the entire country is wondering why Juan Uribe didn’t start all year.

– It’s like the guy just wouldn’t quit swinging for the fences until he got the home crowd to legitimately chant “OOOH…REEBAY” at least once. I’m surprised it took this long.

– I’m pretty sure Jon Miller formed a pretty nasty man-crush on Dan Runzler on Friday night.

– Jon was working solo on Friday night, due to Dave Flemming going back to The City to be with his wife, who was giving birth to their third child. The first two are twin sisters named Katie and Carter Flemming. That’s right, Carter. Isn’t that the exact opposite of naming your son Madison?

– If this whole Nate Davis thing doesn’t work out, I wouldn’t mind if the 49ers took a flier on Jake Locker, UW’s multi-talented quarterback. If you’re going to get a guy who’s only comfortable in the shotgun (like a certain Urban Meyer product we all know and pity), you might as well get someone who can run away from trouble and doesn’t fear the idea of throwing a pass between defenders.

– Sorry ESPN, I just can’t seem to care about Sam Bradford’s sprained AC joint. I know, I have no soul.

– All we heard about during the beginning of training camp was how great Bear Pascoe looked. Pascoe caught a TD in the first preseason game. Pascoe was cut this weekend. Um, Scoty, if you didn’t need a tight end, why did you reach for one in the fifth round?

– Kory Sheets is officially Thomas Clayton.

– I’ve been wondering how much this Michael Crabtree holdout has had to do with the 49ers’ quarterback situation for a while, and now my worst fears were confirmed in this quote from Deion Sanders. Thanks to Mr. Maiocco (as usual):

“Yeah, they have an extra $8 million, yeah, but if he catches more balls than Jerry Rice in the first or second year. And with their quarterback situation, that’s not going to be the case. So he’s looking at real numbers. Some of these young guys never make it to the second contract. You may never get another chance.”

– Is Tom Cable in jail yet?

– One thing I did get to watch a good deal of while visiting my dad in Eureka was the US Open, where Kim Clijsters picked apart Venus Williams, 6-0, 0-6, 6-4. Only in tennis will a color commentator describe part of a match as “wackadoodle,” like Mary Carillo described the first two sets. And nowhere else will the other color analyst make fun of someone saying a word like “wackadoodle”, like John McEnroe did about two minutes later.

– Didn’t see a minute of the Giants’ 2-1, 12-inning loss yesterday. I heard Eugenio Velez score a run in the first inning, then I was out of KATA radio’s reception range (instead of 50,000 watts like KNBR, I think Eureka’s sports station has 50 watts, like my first car stereo). I could spend a paragraph complaining about the Giants’ refusal to get a cleanup hitter this season, but instead I can’t help but think about how wonderful the Jonathan Sanchez era is shaping up to be. The hitting on the road is downright comical, though. Like, my friends and I are going to joke about the 2009 Giants’ hitters the same way we do whenever the names Terry Donahue, Garry St. Jean or Joe Bugel are brought up.

– I absolutely knew the Giants would freak out after the celebration Prince Fielder led after his walkoff. It’s baseball, where getting mad at someone showing up anybody else is as traditional as cracker jacks and methamphetamine. And if anybody was going to be upset, it would be Matt Cain (who I’m pretty sure is visiting us via time machine from 1963).

– Here’s the faulty argument here, however: that Fielder shouldn’t have celebrated, nor his teammates, because they’re out of contention. Isn’t that the perfect time to celebrate? The season’s already over, you have nothing to play for, but there are still 25+ games left to play. Shouldn’t moments of fun and levity be the biggest reason why you come out to the park, or are we all just happy with losing teams turning all individual in the final months and going for stats only?

Related posts:

1. San Francisco Giants just won’t die
2. It’s official: we’re cursed
3. Giants have some goofy-looking starting pitchers

– Hey, as Scot McCloughan said, “What’s three or four months on a five- or six-year contract?” Good lord, I don’t know if my palm has ever struck my forehead quicker or more forcefully. (SF Gate)

– Also from Mr. Maiocco, Nate Davis probably won’t be sent to the practice squad (which would make him available to every other NFL team, something none of us wants), but he’ll still be the fourth option behind Damon Huard and the BFF’s. (Matt Maiocco)

– While one Niner Nate rises, another falls. (Niner Insider)

– Three 49ers injured themselves this preseason during the “nutcracker” drill, although none in the way you’d expect. (49ers Hot Read)

– Adding Jon Garland should help the Dodgers, but Jim Thome’s only useful if they make the World Series. (LA Times)

– At first glance the Brad Penny signing looks pretty underwhelming, but according to this guy, “The move is a terrific one for the Giants.” (ESPN)

– Here are three things the Giants should do. Two of them seem pretty obvious, but one was a surprise. Here’s a hint: Eugenio Velez is despised by a sizable portion of the Giants’ faithful (especially ones who pay major attention to Minor League stats and their Major League equivalents), and the post includes the sentence, “(Fred) Lewis’ at-bats might frustrate the casual fan, but he’s basically the 2nd best hitter on the Giants.” (Bay City Ball)

– Good old Warriors: they send out a generic public reaction to Stephen Jackson’s trade demand (where Larry Riley says something like, “Uh, we really hope and expect he’ll shut up for a while, and I’m kinda afraid to call Nellie in Maui to tell him about this”), won’t let go of C.J. Watson and picked up the completely worthless Mikki Moore (i.e. a more expensive version of Jermareo Davidson who was an utter failure in Boston). (Fast Break)

And I’m not going to end with a link, but a question. What was said when Kruk and Kuip called Damon Bruce a “clown” after Sunday’s win? I heard Bruce going on and on about it last night, how he never speaks ill of Kruk and Kuip but they always mention him without directly using his name, but I know KNBR won’t have the soundbite up on their website. I can figure out the context, but who was the one who said it? Did they both say it?

You have to wonder why they’re so into bashing Bruce. Sure, he’s really strident and regularly overreacts in the name of showmanship, but the announcers already won when Bruce was put on Giants home game restriction by Larry Baer and Bill Neukom.

Isn’t this sort of like how Bob Fitzgerald and the Warriors PR team immediately tries to squash anything called in or written online negatively about the Warriors? I swear, a major reason why all the Bay Area teams struggle to break away from mediocrity is because anyone who speaks out in favor of going all-out for a championship is peer-pressured into keeping quiet. It’s like the professional franchises around here react to dissenting views like the Chinese government…without the unending prison sentences and executions, of course.

Related posts:

1. Everyone really trusts Larry Riley…What am I missing here?
2. Will the Warriors add a veteran free agent?
3. Bochy’s veteran love went too far tonight

He may not be a cleanup hitter, but Bengie Gibson Molina sure makes a great gimpy pinch-hitter. Up to the point when Juan Uribe clubbed that Andres Galarraga-like home run to left center, it looked like any of of about 30 Giants games this season. A decent effort from the starting pitcher (this time Jonathan Sanchez, who struck out 9), and a newly shuffled lineup that producing the same results as every other newly shuffled lineup: impotence.

It’s been said that the Giants are a team that waits for the 3-run homer, except they can’t hit 3-run homers. Well tonight, Bengie not only hit a 3-run shot, he did it with 2 outs in the eighth, down two runs and on only one leg. Watching Molina take off out of the box (relatively speaking), then pull up lame and drag his battered body around the bases wasn’t quite cathartic, but it sure lessened the pain of Monday night at least a little.

It also helped that the Dodgers gave the Rockies a much-needed 6-1 smackdown earlier in the evening, marking the only time I can remember that a Dodgers win could be deemed satisfying to Giants fans. Well, maybe not satisfying, but highly tolerable anyway.

Admit it, you weren’t going to stop watching this team. It’s been a tough season, but a tough season with bits of joy like tonight’s is far better than what we’ve dealt with over the previous four years.

Back to your regularly scheduled snarkiness:

– Nothing sounds more out of place than those times on Dave Flemming’s “Giants Talk” postgame show when they play the instrumental version of Ice Cube’s “Today Was A Good Day” as they go to commercial. What’s next, “Hit ‘Em Up” when Ray Woodson fills in for Damon Bruce?

– I’m not epileptic, but if anything is going to give me a seizure it would be that Comcast commercial where that kid that’s supposed to be in a Latin American country of some sort records all those whistles and street noises for his mom to listen to over the phone. It’s the TV equivalent of that “We make the phones ring…we make the phones RING RING” commercial on KNBR.

– Speaking of KNBR, I’m getting pretty tired of Rod Brooks’ act. How after every single negative thing happens to the Giants, Niners or Warriors, Brooks is the guy preaching saying, “Relax, man. There’s nothing you can do about it.” Fitz may be a shill for the Warriors, but at least he gets worked up from time to time, while Brooks does his best Joe “I’m above the fray” Buck impression every afternoon. Listen Rod, if you don’t care, why are you still doing this? Oh yeah, you make decent money and all you have to do is talk sports for three hours.

– I love how Kuip doesn’t even pretend he cares when the postgame wrap is televised, and how he or Kruk are always pushing Flemming to end the wrap before he’s ready by saying, “So what’s on tap?”

– Rob Neyer not only thinks both Chris Carpenter and Adan Wainwright have a better chance to win the Cy Young Award than Tim Lincecum, but he says Matt Cain doesn’t have a chance. Why? “It’s not likely that Cain will do anything extraordinary, because (frankly) he’s not an extraordinary pitcher. Not extraordinarily so, anyway.” That sentence probably sounded a lot better in Neyer’s head.

– How many phone calls will KNBR receive this season wondering why Nate Davis isn’t the starting quarterback for the 49ers, or at least the primary backup? 200? 1,000? Looks like Matt Maiocco is already getting tired of fielding questions about the former Ball State star who doesn’t put one finger on the laces when he throws.

– Totally unrelated, but I have to give it to KFC for having the balls to give the world a breadless chicken sandwich. Yep, instead of buns, a mixture of cheez, bacon and “Colonel’s Sauce” is shoved between two breaded and fried chicken breasts. That’s what I’m talking about when I talk about America!

– Finally, you have to check out this video of a Little League World Series pitcher asking his coach if he can plunk the next batter, then if instead of switching to first base if he can just be taken out of the game.

Related posts:

1. 2009 San Francisco Giants: Worst Case Scenario
2. San Francisco Giants second half preview
3. 2009 San Francisco Giants: Best Case Scenario

I’d feel like I was just piling on after listening to Damon Bruce bitch about the same thing for an hour, except I’ve been in Schierholtz’s camp since the Giants starting messing with his emotions back in 2007. What the hell is Bochy doing starting both Randy Winn and Aaron Rowand at the same time?

Either Bochy has it all wrong, or Major League Baseball is a more toxic environment than the high schools of Clueless, Mean Girls and Heathers combined. A real manager would play the best players, not worry whether the veterans on the team respected him.

On a team where base hits have been tough to come by, it’s like Schierholtz’s hits come with a caveat: he got lucky…or something. Schierholtz hits .300 for his career, and he’s fighting it out for at-bats with $21 million of veteran suck and the baseball version of Mickael Pietrus, only more emo.

I know, the Giants won tonight, and they had 18 hits and 10 runs. What’s the problem? Well, if Schierholtz didn’t pinch-hit for Joe Martinez and crush a double that should have been a homer in the sixth, blowing the game open and keeping the game from devolving into just another recent bullpen implosion, the Giants would probably be sitting in silence on their way to Cincinnati after Brian Wilson walked Fernando Tatis with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 10th.

Alright, we get it, Schierholtz is getting hosed worse than Ant Randolph last season. Too bad Bochy doesn’t get it.

Stuff

– I’m pretty stoked on the Ricky Jean-Francois era. C’mon, a gigantic, boisterous LSU Tiger with an interesting name? It’s not often you can pretty much add Shaq to your defensive line. (Matt Maiocco)

– You know what’s damned delicious and incredibly easy to make? Sangria. It’s not often you can find the optimal use for the wine in your fridge that wasn’t quite good enough to drink after you opened it.

– People talk about the worst part of the steroid era being how every time someone does something great, there are always whispers. Actually, it’s worse. Now, people distance themselves from athletic greatness. Albert Pujols and Usain Bolt are quite possibly the most perfect athletes we’ve ever seen (Michael Phelps would be in this category, but the post I wrote where we used the “Weedies Box” picture of Phelps hitting the bong is still a top-5 pageviews post on BASG…he’s just elite comic relief at this point), and it’s like we’re all just waiting for the New York Times or Mark Fainaru-Wada to let us know about the HGH shipments in each athlete’s name.

– I absolutely love the guy, and I know he’s got soft hands, but the truth is Pablo Sandoval’s a portly, range-free third baseman who makes an error every 10 games and looks tired whenever he has to play 15 games in a row. Sandoval’s the team’s best hitter by a mile, he’s 23, and there’s no better position for El Pando (because he’s masculine) than third base. He doesn’t need to rest, he needs to actually dance to that Pitbull song he loves instead of just listening to it in his car.

Related posts:

1. What the Giants’ lineup should be
2. Giants shouldn’t trade unless it’s for a cleanup hitter
3. Bochy’s veteran love went too far tonight

Hold on while I smack myself in the face with a catcher’s mitt to see if I’m still awake. Is Bochy watching the 2009 version of the San Francisco Giants, or is he just waiting for Randy Winn and Aaron Rowand to become Ken Caminiti and Greg Vaughn circa 1998?

Don’t answer that.

Winn’s career numbers against Randy Wolf were pretty frickin’ sweet going into tonight’s game, and last year Winn particularly had his way with his Randy counterpart.

Uh, who cares. Players change. Managers need to as well if they want to extend their contracts. For example, Bochy needs to get over this cockamamie idea that no left-handed hitter under 30 can hit left-handed pitching, but Winn’s somehow going to regain his righty stroke at the age of 52.

Winn against lefties in 2009 before tonight’s game (94 AB’s): .160/.184/.213

Schierholtz against lefties in 2009 (30 AB’s): .467/.469/.767

Limited sample size, my Broxton. Bochy’s the one who’s limited Schierholtz’s at-bats against lefties, and why Rich Aurilia still has a roster spot, even though the team picked up Ryan Garko because Aurilia’s so worthless. And don’t give me this whole “who would have played third base” crap cause Juan Uribe has a balky hamstring. Stick an injured Uribe out there after contracting swine flu for all I care; Aurilia’s as done as a crunchy taco at an empty Taco Bell Express.

I’ve been one of those guys who’s been OK with Bochy from day one. The guy’s been saddled with one of the worst offenses in baseball for years, but as retread managers go he’s one of the better ones. But the idea that Aurilia couldn’t have been sacrificed for a far superior player today (in fact, Aurilia even got another at-bat tonight) because Winn would somehow recapture past glory against Wolf was beyond ridiculous.

Changing the subject — a little, anyway…

– Geez, at least the Warriors give the Lakers a fight every time they play them. And that’s basketball, a sport where the best teams win over 80% of the time.

– You can’t blame Eugenio Velez for a couple bad plays at second base today (well, one bad drop on a tough throw from Joe Martinez and an unbelievably awful throw soon after), since he had the team’s only RBI.

– I’m still not sure why I watched the Post Game Wrap, but I’m pretty sure Duane Kuiper wanted to kill Dave Flemming tonight whenever he waxed poetic about the Dodgers.

– It also looked like Jon Miller wanted to strangle Flemming after Miller told an unbelievable, perfect-after-a-blowout story about Carl Yastrzemski asking him to buy Jockey shorts for him at the beginning of a long road trip, and Flemming responded with 0.4 seconds of fake laughter before rolling into the whole, “AND THAT’S WHAT’S ON TAP” spiel and cutting to commercial.

– I’m not saying Flemming’s a bad broadcaster, but he certainly seems like that guy in class who wouldn’t rat out cheating classmates to the professor, but he’d certainly give them a judgmental glare and cover up his work. At least during the Wrap anyway. There’s just something about Flemming that makes me think he was one of the all-time great tattlers at a child, along with Tim Duncan.

– But you know Larry Baer’s stoked tonight that Flemming stuck around after the Wrap. Damon Bruce would probably mention Manny Ramirez roughly 284 times after tonight’s game if he had the 10-midnight shift.

– At least I can thank Flemming for warning me what was about to happen to the Giants when he mentioned in the 3rd inning how Wolf is a 6-inning guy, and that’s why he doesn’t have very many decisions.

– But really folks, let’s face it — if you thought Joe Martinez was going to sail in and drop 7 innings of 1-run ball against the Dodgers, you probably also put $20 on the Giants to win the World Series in Vegas before the season. Not that I’d know. Now please excuse me while I go throw my wallet in a burning trash can in the Tenderloin.

Related posts:

1. Hey Bochy, great win today. Can I have a word?
2. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time…
3. Scot McCloughan and Larry Riley, delusional till the end

Whether or not that means they’ll win the Wild Card is a whole other proposition, since we don’t know if the Cubs, Brewers, Astros, Braves or Mets will do anything crazy at the deadline. But they’ll at least finish ahead of the Rockies, who may be the most annoying team in baseball. All Giants fans hate the Dodgers the most (sports hate, but still), but the Rockies are still more annoying. Neifi Perez? Really? That’s why Larry Krueger flew off the handle. He wasn’t racist, he just couldn’t handle Neifi.

Because I’m pretty sure the Giants won’t do anything major at the deadline, at least after hearing that oddly soul-wrenching interview Brian Sabean did this afternoon with Ralph Barbieri (more on that later).

Tonight’s game was pretty much the epitome of Giants’ baseball in 2009, except they never had a legitimate “ground attack” inning. Matt Cain goes seven innings and only gives up a run, and somehow he looked even more dominant than that; Jeremy Affeldt tosses his standard scoreless inning and Brian Wilson scared the hell out of everybody for no reason. Atta babe!

Assorted thoughts, mostly so I can rip the Rockies’ mascot

– Brian Wilson looked really hung over today, according to Sports Girl Liz. Since Mike Krukow mentioned that the Giants “had trouble sleeping” last night, I’d tend to agree.

– With Fred Lewis going 3-for-3 with a walk and Nate Schierholtz hitting a solo homer, did anybody else think to themselves, “Disregarding salaries, doesn’t a CF platoon of Randy Winn and Aaron Rowand at least seem like an option for the rest of this season?”

– After listening to Sabean pretty much admit he can’t stand working for Bill Neukom (I can’t think of any scenario in which calling your boss more “corporate” than your previous boss could possibly be considered a positive assessment) today with Ralph, we know this: the Giants aren’t going to be taking on any large amounts of money in the next week. That doesn’t mean the Giants won’t try to pick up some type of hitter, it’s just one nobody’s talked about. Some right-handed, versatile player who hits a few homers and plays a decent 1B/3B or 1B/OF.

– You KNOW Sabez wants to trade Maddy Bum-Bum and Angel Villalona for Roy Halladay and Alex Rios. Just like you know Bengie Molina’s going to swing when the count’s 2-0.

– OK, I know that last note was ridiculous; we all know Bengie’s never taken the first two pitches of an at-bat this year. Lo Siento.

– Jeremy Affeldt has to be in the running for best set-up year in team history. Mike Jackson from 1994 is the only other season in the running right now. I can’t say enough about the guy.

– Actually, I’ll say a little more about Affeldt. Since he’s inducing more double plays than Dr. Huxtable induced births during the entire run of The Cosby Show, can you imagine how great Affeldt would have been when the Giants’ infield consisted of Will Clark, Robby Thompson, Matt Williams and Jose Uribe?

– Oh, and the Rockies’ mascot, that stupid freakin’ purple triceratops reject from The Land Before Time? Are you kidding? Why is that poor man’s Barney allowed to stand behind home plate and jump around in the ninth inning? Lou Seal’s only allowed on the dugout, and he jumps on the HOME DUGOUT!!! And he even gets down before any pitches are thrown in order not to piss off the season ticket holders in Section 122!!! What’s next, “Dinger” (that’s the dino’s name, and there’s also a mobile available if you have an infant in your life you’d like to traumatize) dancing on top of the Giants’ dugout until Juan Uribe gives him a hotfoot?

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Yes. Sanchez not only surrendered zero hits to the San Diego Padres last night in his first career complete game, he didn’t walk one hitter. In his previous two starts against San Diego this season, Sanchez walked 8 Padres in 10.2 innings. How much have things changed since Sanchez’s demotion to the bullpen? Along with the two relief appearances that preceded yesterday’s supposed last-chance-start, Sanchez has walked no one and struck out 15 in 12 innings.

There are so many people who have a hand in this, it’s hard to know who to give the most credit after Sanchez himself. Forget tune-up, Dave Righetti took Sanchez’s motion apart, cleaned it up and rebuilt it. Randy Johnson has to have played a role; his comments about Sanchez last night belied the amount of concern he has, not just for Sanchez’s place on the Giants, but Sanchez’s future as well (you almost get the feeling the Unit would be personally offended if Sanchez doesn’t win at least 100 games in his career, the same way Mike Krukow gets angry when Sanchez’s focus leaves him). And I refuse to believe it’s a coincidence that Sanchez reached the pinnacle on the same night Sigfrido Sanchez, Jonathan’s dad, watched him start for the San Francisco Giants in person for the first time.

Eli Whiteside’s work behind the plate. Aaron Rowand’s catch. Pablo Sandoval’s home run, which effectively removed the pressure from everyone wearing french vanilla uniforms. The home plate umpire, who didn’t HAVE to call that last pitch a strike (and hesitated a bit before doing so).

Even though I remember what happened last night with complete clarity, and even after hearing a replay of Jon Miller’s call gave me goosebumps this morning, I had to see written proof that what I remembered wasn’t just some fuzzy dream caused by the Luxury Mojitos I drank last night at Bar 821.

Well, here’s my proof — and yours, if you’re still having a tough time believing a Giant threw a no-hitter, and the no-no was tossed by the Official Trade Candidate of KNBR 680, your rosterbation (and Sabercats) leader:

– What? Trade Sanchez? Are you crazy?!?!?! Apparently the thought never even crossed some people’s minds: “To be clear, this does not mean that Sanchez will ever meet his awesome potential. But I think this shows what we could have if we would just be patient with him.” (obsessivegiantscompulsive)

– The day after. Time for fans to take credit for Sanchez’s no hitter due to supersitious activities like this: “If you were in the middle of taking your shoes off, realized Sanchez had a no-hitter going, and then knew that you had no choice but to walk around with one shoe on for the rest of the night.” (McCovey Chronicles)

– Line of the day, courtesy of Andrew Baggarly: “Anyone who says they saw this coming is either crazy or Jon Lovitz.” (Extra Baggs)

– Poor Zeets, even after a Sanchy no-hitter it all still comes back to him: “For Tim Lincecum, it has become an expectation. Matt Cain certainly has the stuff. Barry Zito could affort to buy one. Even Randy Johnson, at his advanced age, has done it before and even flirted with one this season. Smart money would have bet on just about anyone other than left-hander Jonathan Sanchez to throw the first Giants’ no-hitter since John “The Count” Montefusco did it in 1976.“ (Big League Stew)

– Sanchez didn’t just have to deal with the pressure of a no-hitter, but the pressure of resurrecting his career. In fact, one has to think that’s why his father made the trip from Puerto Rico: “Imagine what it must feel like to have been Sanchez over these past few weeks. Only one name — his — came to light in the recurring, almost tedious discussions about the Giants’ trading prospects. If he’d pitched well, the Giants would have a valuable chip in their quest to get a hitter. If he failed — and up until tonight, he had done just that — the Giants could forget about the trading market. They’re not about to give away their top prospects, leaving Sanchez as the most logical option.” (Three Dot Blog)

– Here’s a little historical nugget I wasn’t aware of: “If we crack open the history books, we find that Sanchez’ no-no was the first by a left handed Giants pitcher since 1929, back when Carl Hubbell accomplished the feat with the New York Giants.” (The TwoNate Show)

– Padre fans are taking this well: “I don’t want to take anything away from Sanchez, but the Padres are playing like a bunch losers and looked lifeless at the plate and in the dugout.  They had it coming. They are the worst.” (Gaslamp Ball)

– Well, at least Dodger fans appreciated the moment. No, that wasn’t a typo: “Don’t get me wrong — I still find the Giants annoying and wish they’d stop winning already. But Jonathan Sanchez’s no-hitter last night was a cool baseball moment that transcended the uniform he was wearing.” (Sons of Steve Garvey)

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