It’s the 4th of July and also the unofficial National BBQ day! This year, skip the family and friends celebrations and go for a party with a little more drama. That’s what BASG and I are planning to do with our new celebrity friends. Granted, BASG and I don’t have official invitations to these parties, but considering how much publicity these people are getting on this site, I figure it’s ok to stop by and ring the door bell. Since you all are our friends too, you’re more than welcome to come along. Here are our party options:
1. The Baron Davis I have more money than you AND cool horn-rimmed glasses BBQ
Location: Jessica Alba’s House, Los Angeles
Baron Davis is finally home and has lots of money! This will be a celebratory BBQ in which Baron’s documentary will be shown on repeat for the entire party and everyone there will be required to wear horn-rimmed glasses.
All of Baron’s pretentious Hollywood friends will be there to congratulate Baron on his ridiculously silly new contract in which Baron will only realistically play about 17 games/season. He needs as much time out on the Hollywood “scene” as possible to try to convert Lindsay Lohan back to his “team” so he doesn’t have to hang out with the oh-so-happy Jessica Alba anymore.
The only person not invited: Elton Brand. $90 million dollars over a 5 year period is going to make Baron really angry. So angry that his horn-rimmed glasses will get all steamy and he won’t be able to watch his documentary. And then he’d get drunk and end up drunk-dialing Nelly, “Take me back Nelly! I promise I’ll watch your dog every weekend if I can come back!”
2.The Madonna and Guy Richie we’re so happy AND still married BBQ
Location: London at the Madonna Pop Plantation
Yes, A-Rod and his estranged wife will be invited to this BBQ too. Mr. and Mrs. Madonna will want everyone to see how “normal” they are and how Madonna and A-Rod are just “friends”. Mr. Madonna will be sulking in the corner for most of the party though because no one was interested in his re-make of the Sherlock Holmes movie. Apparently Madonna isn’t a believable Watson?
Madonna will also be planning on doing a small performance of some of her classics. Everyone will try not to laugh when she starts singing “Like a Virgin.” Hah.
The best part about the day will be when A-Rod and Madonna suggest we all go play catch. Except the catch here is that it will be more of a Madonna/A-Rod only game of “catch.” Not so much fun after all. I don’t think I really want to try to console a crying Guy Richie in the corner.
3. Barry Zito’s working his tail off BYO HGH BBQ
Location: Marin at the Zito Lab
His therapist has highly recommended that Barry throw a 4th of July party for all of his friends. So with BASG and me attending, there will be about 5 people there, including Barry’s therapist. Lincecum was planning on attending but was uninvited at the last minute after Zito saw his Sports Illustrated cover, “Yeah, he is a freak! Like in a totally bad way! Gosh!”
Barry Bonds will be attending though. He liked the theme of this party for some reason and has got some advice for Zito in regards to his new “methods” of pitching. I think he’s bringing some notes from his trainer along and is planning on possibly doing an impromptu lecture.
This is a “flip-flops only” fiesta, with one of the highlights coming when Zito dusts off the old acoustic guitar and sings all his favorite Dave Matthews songs around his indoor fire pit (otherwise known as the “Mellow Room”). Bonds will leave at this point after Zito refuses to respond to his loud requests of, “More Bolton!”
The night will end with a fireworks show … the biggest in the Bay Area (what else is Zito going to spend all his money on?). Zito will try to pretend that when “Lincecum Sucks” appears in the sky that it was a total mistake.
So many options – look forward to seeing you all there. Feel free to email BASG if you’re interested in coming along.