Chris Cohan

Chris Cohan hates us all

Well, it’s sort of our fault. Well, not OUR fault, since I doubt many of you reading this made it to the 2000 NBA All Star Game in Oakland and booed Chris Cohan when he and his son made their infamous on-court appearance. But Cohan seems like a vindictive soul, one who won’t rest until he stomps the hearts of the most loyal fanbase in the region, if not the state or the entire country.

I wished everyone a “Happy Larry Ellison Day” yesterday, and apparently it was about as effective as when people tweet “Happy Lincecum Day” before Timmy starts against the Colorado Rockies. Because even though Ellison is thought to have given Cohan an offer north of $400 million (for a team Cohan paid $135M for in 1995), Cohan isn’t satisfied. Cohan wants an even higher offer from Ellison, and to assume that this sale will go down easier than we ever imagined looks to be the pipe dream we all should have assumed it was when Matt Steinmetz brought it up yesterday.

How much more? Perhaps as much as $450M. For the right to watch what will surely be one of the shallowest teams in the league for the third consecutive year, a team that will have to dip into the D-League more than any other squad in the NBA once again. Because Cohan loves two things: money and destroying the hopes of innocent children. And adults like me who act like children.

Like MR_FGJ_SON told me today, “Cohan is treating the fans like POW’s. Even though the war has ended he doesn’t want to free us.”

It’s true. He’s had both middle fingers up at all of us for a decade now. “Oh, ‘We Believe,’ huh? Well how about I dismantle your little rag-tag bunch of Nellie ballers and see how you like it! $10M trade exceptions mean more for me! NOM NOM NOM money taste good! That will teach you to boo me and my boy, IN FRONT OF DAVID STERN!”

And it’s our fault. We booed Cohan, or at least laughed off the boos. There’s fake Twitter accounts and websites dedicated to Cohan and his right-hand toadie, Robert Rowell. He’s a national joke, so it isn’t shocking that he wants the final joke to be on us.

Yep, yesterday’s “sale” to Ellison was too easy from the start. Cohan sees that even he couldn’t destroy the value of a franchise in one of the top four basketball areas in the country in terms of population and loyalty, and he’s going to make this process as painful as he can. What does he care? Either Ellison ups his offer, some other owner that no one’s heard of outbids Ellison (bonus for Cohan, since the fans are just as excited to have a charismatic yacht enthusiast who enjoys having a public persona as they are to be rid of Cohan/Rowell) or Cohan keeps the team another year and rakes in the dough from all the suckers who’ve already bought or renewed their season tickets to watch this 20-win team. Ask anyone who’s tangled with Al Davis. Incredibly rich men with an axe to grind and no fear of going to court are absolute hell to deal with. To think our 17-year nightmare had come to an end yesterday on the wings of Ellison’s beard was naive. Hopefully all is not lost, but the speculation may need to be tempered until we know we’re out of Cohan’s shadow. Time to say your prayers, kids.

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