Cam Newton

Colin Kaepernick isn’t as good as Cam Newton (at hosting kids award shows)

If you didn’t tune into Cartoon Network’s Hall of Game Awards last night, consider yourself lucky. Cam Newton and Colin Kaepernick co-hosted the “ultimate sports award show” and it was as clumsy as one would expect.

With the help of fascinating special effects from the 1990s, the opening of the show emphasized an apparent life-long competition between Kaepernick and Newton that has continued in a fight for host superiority.

The “rivalry” began with throwing footballs in the crib and then progressed to their first words, a Heisman spelling bee, and a woodshop display in which a goth Colin Kaepernick managed to build a Candlestick replica. While the montage of their past mentioned Newton winning the 2010 Heisman trophy, nothing was said about January 12.

Newton and Kaepernick proceeded to sing their own renditions of Katy Perry’s “Roar,” which was arguably the most entertaining point of the show. Surprisingly, they weren’t terrible at singing.

However, Kaepernick was wearing his hat backwards and said the word “dope,” which probably means that he is a thug and morally inferior to Russell Wilson.

Speaking of “thugs,” Richard Sherman received the “Captain Clutch” award for his deflection in the waning seconds of the NFC Championship game. To continue the nightmare for 49ers fans, Seattle’s 12th man won the “Fantastic Fanstars” award and Kaepernick was forced to painfully introduce Sherman and company as “the Superbowl champion Seattle Seahawks” with Macklemore’s “Can’t Hold Us” playing in the background.

Afterward, Kaepernick, Newton, and countless incensed children wearing 49ers and Panthers jerseys attained revenge as they flanked the Seahawks representatives and doused them with silly string, ultimately causing them to fall into an endless foam pit. The 49ers/Seahawks rivalry was voted as “Best Foes Forever,” in case anyone’s interested.

Although Kaepernick won the “I Got Swag” award, beating out Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo and Russell Westbrook, he did not win the “I Am a Capable Host” award. That award probably went to Peyton Manning.

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