Anthony Randolph

Don Nelson: drunk Jerry Seinfeld

With Don Nelson running everything from rotations to personnel, the Warriors have the same attitude toward players that Jerry did toward women on Seinfeld.

Why did you dump her, Jerry? Because she ate her peas one at a time!

Why did you trade your most talented player, Don? Because he wears a sour expression after blocking shots into the stands and grabbing rebounds, and I don’t think he likes me or respects my work with the Bucks back before he was born.

Why did you dump her, Jerry? She has MAN HANDS!

Why did you trade the kid who just dominated the Summer League to the extent that he was immediately named to the U.S. National Basketball Team, Don? Because the kid’s too young and too raw offensively to facilitate any sort of all-time wins record this year for me, his bitter, decrepit pseudo-coach.

Anybody else find it insane that the team’s lone untouchable player ONE MONTH AGO is now probably on his way out of town, and among the names the Warriors are looking forward to getting in return include Tyrus freaking Thomas?!?!?! Yep, that’s a fantastic plan. Get rid of a guy with multiple tools and a questionable head for a guy with fewer tools and an even crazier and lazier personality. Awesome. While we’re at it, let’s trade Stephen Curry for Sebastian Telfair, Monta Ellis for Ben Gordon and Andris Biedrins for Etan Thomas.

This is about Nellie being tired of coaching and Randolph. Period. He’s never liked Randolph’s personality, or the fact that Nelson actually has to (gasp) teach him the finer points of offense in the NBA. The horror. Never mind that he was the best rebounder on the team the minute he was drafted (at 18, no less), or that the only reason why Randolph hasn’t been snapped up by a smarter GM already is because they know it’s the Warriors and they can probably wait a little and get him for a song (like Tyrus Thomas, for example).

I’m not stupid, the fact that Randolph reportedly got in a fight at a Walnut Creek club that he wasn’t old enough to legally attend is not a good sign (although since the blog that reported it doesn’t exist anymore means those reports may be incorrect), and his face is showing a little wear and tear lately. There’s a slight chance he could turn into Eddie Griffin. Again, slight chance. He could also be a normal 20-year-old who’s doing the same thing most other kids his age are doing in college, drinking and getting into a little bit of trouble.

Regardless of his mental state and/or Grey Goose consumption, the Randolph situation is yet another ball the Warriors have dropped. The Warriors have three players (Monta, Curry and Randolph) who are extremely valuable commodities throughout the league, and they’ve completely alienated all three (Andris Biedrins, Ronny Turiaf and Anthony Morrow are valuable commodities, but not extremely valuable due to injury, weight or game-incompleteness concerns).

Nellie’s been accused of being a drunk for years, and I don’t really know if that’s true or just an image he portrays to distract us from realizing that he’s actually one of the most conniving, disingenuous figures in the history of the NBA. However, this whole awful cycle the Warriors are going through (draft player, get excited and present him to the fans as “the future,” alienate said player and trade him for pennies on the dollar) is quite similar to the downward spiral addicts can’t seem to find their way out of.

It’s impossible to describe the Warriors’ decision-making process other than to call it reactionary, paranoid, and utterly devoid of logic or focus on the future (unless by the future, you mean “tonight’s game”). And the most loyal fanbase in basketball seems content to play along, waking up with amnesia every morning and happy to forget the pathetic ride the Warriors keep taking them on — like a drunk who blacked out the night before and has no idea he crapped in some chick’s laundry hamper.

It’s called codependency. If you’re a betting guy or gal, the smart money is on the most talented Warrior big man since Chris Webber (and we all know how Nellie handled that one) playing for a different team by the middle of this season…and thriving soon thereafter for about a dozen years or so. As long as the Warriors have fans willing to buy 4-packs of tickets regardless of the product on the floor or the utter insanity of the head coach and front office, this cycle will never stop.

We don’t know when or if Randolph will actually be traded, we just know the Warriors won’t get any better with this crew running them into the ground. You think the Warriors are bad now? Nellie’s on his way back tonight, and his mission is to slowly destroy what little future this team has while somehow collecting the record he desires. He’s going to get rid of every piece of young talent until the team is stocked full of nothing but Devean Georges and Mikki Moores. That’s how it’s going to end, folks.

And you thought the Seinfeld finale sucked.

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