Brian Wilson

Everything sucks!

Great Giants game today, a sweet 7-0 loss to Chris Volstad, some 6’8″ oaf I dropped from my fantasy team a month ago. It’s always nice to know that baseball teams don’t really care what happens as long as they have a series locked up. Two straight possible sweep-clinching games to end series, and the Giants played both with the same intensity as an NBA team fighting for a more advantageous lottery position.

Man, I’m in a bad mood.

When the money runs out and the blog pays nothing, it takes a real man to keep on writing when he should be looking for jobs that don’t exist. Well, that’s what I tell myself, anyway. Time for some good old fashioned venting, and what better way to accomplish that than listing what really, really, really sucks these days:

— Bruce Jenkins sucks, mostly because he thinks the word “sucks” shouldn’t be used anywhere. He also sucks because when I was in college I wrote him an email asking for some advice on how to get into the sportswriting business, and he never responded. Yeah, like he’s Mike effing Lupica or something. Now he’s copying me, starting a blog after even I got into this. Only thing is it’s just an almost-daily edition of his Saturday 3-dot Lounge column, meaning the only difference between Jenkins now and a year ago is he actually has to work more than two days a week. Poor baby.

— KNBR sucks, because all they ever interview are other local mainstream media personalities (like Jenkins) when they aren’t playing 35 minutes of commercials per hour. Hey guys, if the only spots you can air right now are public service announcements and ads for your own website, can’t you add a few minutes of actual programming instead? Preferably from a guest I haven’t heard twice a week for the past decade?

— The weather in San Francisco sucks. Oh wow, a high of 64 degrees with 20 mph winds! What a wonderful day for windsurfing and kite-flying! Who needs summer anyway, summer’s for stupid breeders who’ve never even ridden a Vespa before!

— As stated earlier, the Giants suck after winning the first two games of a series. Just in case you forgot.

— “The Wave” sucks.

— “Life of Brian” possibly sucks more than anything on earth. Rooting for Brian Wilson as a Giant is at least 10 times harder than rooting for Terrell Owens when he was a 49er.

— People who think that Sergio Romo, Jonathan Sanchez, Jeremy Affeldt and/or Merkin Valdez should close instead of “Life of” suck, too. If you don’t have anyone else on the roster with closing experience, you can’t replace your closer just because he isn’t as good as Mariano Rivera.

— The song “Bad” from Michael Jackson? That really sucked. Oh man, I’d REALLY be scared to see all 117 lbs of MJ sashaying towards me in a well-lit parking garage, looking like a caucasian Diana Ross. OK, maybe now I would be scared, but for different reasons.

— Mark Roman sucks. When most of your pass deflections come off balls hitting you in the back of the helmet, you aren’t exactly what they call a playmaker.

— F–k Fox as a TV station, cable channel and as a motherf—— crew. And if you want to be down with Fox, then you suck too. Thanks for all the awful “talent” shows, and for Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly. Until five years ago I  was really having a hard time finding proof that most TV watchers are dumber than the average cocker spaniel.

— C.J. Watson sucks.

— NBA Shootarounds suck. Why do millionaire athletes need a sanctioned activity just so they can sweat out their hangovers before taking their pregame naps?

— Tropic Thunder sucks. They might have well just filmed Ben Stiller and Jack Black going down on Robert Downey, Jr. for two hours. In fact, I think that’s the bonus material if you buy the Blu-Ray.

— People who can’t stop casually pulling out their iPhones in buses, bars or restaurants just so they can look around to see if anybody’s watching them play with their Apps? Yeah, they suck.

— If you’ve ever updated your Facebook status more than once in a week with what you’ve just eaten or drank, I’m sorry, you suck.

— Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts suck.

This post sucks too. But I do feel better.

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