Andris Biedrins

Cohan moving sale! Get your Monta and Biedrins for cheap!

The Warriors are like a single guy in his mid-20’s who’s getting ready to move abroad. Six months out, he knows he can’t take his TV, bed, sofa, coffee table, lamps and all that other heavy stuff with him, so he asks a couple buddies if they want to buy any of his old crap.

After his friends politely decline (and bitch to their other friends that the moving-abroad friend tried to rip them off by charging just $200 less for that old futon than he paid for it five years ago), the guy getting ready to move puts off worrying about it for a few months. Then, a couple weeks before the big move, maybe he’ll stick a few items on Craigslist, with no takers, of course. Then a day or two before it’s time to hop aboard the plane, he gives away all his stuff to whoever wants to come pick it up, and leaves the heavy stuff nobody wants on the curb, possibly with a “FREE” sign attached.

Chris Cohan is that guy right now. It’s getting to be time to move, and assets need to be either purchased for pennies on the dollar or left on the curb. And in this case, Monta Ellis is that old dresser from Ikea, and Andris Biedrins is the futon.

Cohan already got rid of his old TV a couple days ago (with 3 years of payments left), as Corey Maggette got dealt along with that pesky 2nd-round draft pick (stupid entitled draft picks, wanting to get paid actual money to play basketball!) for the equivalent of a Eurorail pass. As the draft quickly approaches (roughly six hours from now as I write this) and it becomes more and more obvious that the No. 6 pick means drafting someone like Ekpe Udoh or Greg Monroe, the Warriors are getting desperate. It’s time to liquidate all non-Stephen Curry assets, and everything must go. Preferably for expiring contracts.

The Warriors are required to fill their roster, and as we’ve seen over the past couple years it isn’t as easy to even get eight active players to dress for an NBA game than it would seem, let alone getting 13 players under contract (that’s the minimum; many teams carry 15). The Warriors currently have 11.

Getting 13 guys under contract shouldn’t be too much of a problem, especially since the Warriors will probably re-sign certified black hole Anthony Tolliver and perhaps Anthony Morrow or C.J. Watson as well. And there’s always the D-League, or a PR-driven signing of soon-to-be-undrafted FA Omar Samhan (don’t laugh: Samhan would do a weekly radio show with Ralph and Tom, he’s an East Bay pseudo-celebrity and wouldn’t need to be signed for more than one year at the rookie minimum — he’d produce more of a profit for the franchise than Wesley Johnson, Udoh and Monroe combined next season).

But those Ellis and Biedrins contracts are looking worse and worse as the NBA leaves the era when paying around $10M/yr for shooting guards who can’t guard shooting guards and centers who can’t guard centers seemed like a good plan. It’ll probably be tough (let alone box office poison if Monta is traded for spare parts) to get rid of both of them this summer, but one of them won’t be wearing the blue and gold next season. So if you see Biedrins and on a sidewalk near you wearing a sign that says “FREE,” don’t be alarmed. Cohan’s moving, and everything must go.

(Did you know I can PREDICT THE FUTURE??? Well, I did just that on The Association Nation, answering every relevant question we all have about the NBA off-season. Just don’t expect these predictions to come true. I said that I can predict the future. Not predict it correctly.)

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