Barry Zito

Giants have some goofy-looking starting pitchers

Tim Lincecum Dazed and ConfusedAh, daytime baseball on a weekday. A time for a man to examine his surroudings, breathe in the fresh air of his apartment living room, and wonder how on earth the Giants have compiled a group of starters who are the baseball equivalent of the early-2000’s Sacramento Kings.

Barry Zito would play the role of Chris Webber as the lone pretty boy in the rotation, whose looks and wealth have made him a magnet for crazy attention-whoring female celebs (Alyssa Milano and Tyra Banks). Meanwhile, Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Randy Johnson, Ryan Sadowski, Joe Martinez and Jonathan Sanchez’s beard are all goofy-looking for different reasons. Maybe not to the extent of the legendary Christie/Bibby/Hedo/Vlade/Peja/Pollard/Bobby Jackson group, but close.

Lincecum’s had an amazing career since his breakout role: putting his hair behind his ears every 20 seconds in Dazed and Confused; if the eyes are the window to one’s soul, Matt Cain’s soul is half shut all the time; Johnson is a long, lanky, mulleted Edward James Olmos; Sadowski looks like Jughead; Martinez isn’t just all ears, he’s also “high-waisted” (a term an old coworker of mine used for himself after the UPS guy made fun of him for always wearing his 501’s just below his nipples); if Sanchez’s beard was flesh-colored it’d look just like Spencer Pratt’s creepy face-pubes (that’s a The Soup reference for those of you who just got angry at me for referencing The Hills).

Other stuff rattling around my head on this fine afternoon:

— You know how Versus could really piss off ESPN? Do a new show called Favre vs. Vick, where each week two teams of celebrities square off against each other in a game of tackle football. Here’s the hook: Brett Favre and Mike Vick play all-time quarterback for each team. Think about it, Vick would get a regular gig and a paycheck, and would absolutely dominate as a running QB dodging linebackers like John Krasinski and Charlie Sheen, and Favre would be able to play the game he loves (sob) without having to deal with that pesky training camp thingy.

— I’ve never thought of this before, and I’m not usually a guy who likes to speculate about who did or didn’t do steroids (in this space anyway, I can’t say it isn’t a source of regular conversation between my friends and I)…but man, Greg Vaughn had to be on the juice, right? Hey it’s just speculation (1998 Padres), so don’t sue me…OK, Greg?

— If you’re wondering whether it was a good idea for the Raiders to start out training camp with a “learning intensive” period (i.e. stopping each play after one step and dissecting footwork, not letting QB’s throw passes, etc.), ask one question: would Bill Walsh ever have done that? You know, treat his team like children who’ve never played the game before? No way, Walsh would have just cut players who didn’t know what they were doing. Glad to hear Tom Cable learned about this while coaching at Idaho. Cause things went so well there, and all.

— SGL noticed this yesterday, and since she grew up in Houston she’d know as well as anybody: the seats behind home plate at Minute Maid Park are ENORMOUSLY wide. It’s like the opposite of flying coach on United.

— Eli Whiteside just crushed a grand slam! If you’re going to hit your first career home run, I always say a grand slam is the best way to do it. Hopefully this will cheer up Whiteside next week when his daughters run into the living room while he’s reading the paper and tell him he should use this box of “Just For Men” they bought him so he could go out and find a date, because he’d “really be a great catch.”

— Wow. I love baseball, the sport where each game makes up less than 0.5% of a team’s record, but everyone acts as if each team is only playing as well as the score of their last game. After Monday’s loss to Mike Hampton, the Giants were a team that could only win in a big ballpark with more room for dink-and-dunk basehits. Now they’re, in the words of Fred Lewis, “Trying to go yard.”

— Duane Kuiper just said Joe Martinez is one of the only guys where he’d be happy to have him knock on his door and say he wants to take his daughter out. Of course, Kuiper does Patrick James commercials, so he’s probably just happy to see a player who wears his pants as high as Kuip wears his Agave jeans. Or maybe it’s just that everyone looks good after the Giants hit a grand slam.

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