Ok, Giants. Don’t think that we haven’t noticed. A bunch of you got makeovers in the off-season. And I’m not talking NBA style makeovers (which mostly includes lots of tattoos) I’m talking losing weight, getting new sparkly teeth and experimenting with hairstyles. Yes, this is San Francisco and we do encourage a certain sense of style here for men. However, as a baseball player, going metro can mess with the sunflower spittin’, dirt on the pants, tar on the helmet mentality. And with your already poor record, it’s clear that something needs to change. Giants, you’re in need of an “un”makeover.
Typically, “un”makeovers don’t get much coverage in the media. It’s not always seen as a positive change. On one of my sister’s favorite makeover shows, What Not to Wear, they go to great lengths to throw out the stylishly impaired’s ugly clothing, buy new clothes and attempt new hairstyles. But it’s never quite there at the end once they’ve set them free. They always end up pretty much looking the same but maybe with a few new “fancies” in their wardrobe.
In the Giants’ case, this “un”makeover is a positive change and here at BASG I’m taking a stance to say that we officially support this movement. Since guys can be a little clueless when it comes to makeovers, I’m assuming the “un”makeover will be just as challenging. So to help the Giants out, here are my suggestions for the “un”makeovers to baseball success.
Matt Cain – More cushion for the pushin’
Matt Cain has started the 2009 season looking a little more trim. Ok, a lot more trim. And I know we all couldn’t help notice the size of his ass last season. This year, Cain’s ass is almost non-existent due to a new running routine added to his workouts. But it isn’t just the ladies missing Cain’s ass, his pitching is missing it too. Without all of that extra weight towards the lower half of his body, his rotation is off and there’s just something a little different about his pitching – different in a bad way. Sure, with less weight he has more energy but the movement isn’t the same. And we need that booty movement back. My advice to Cain is to visit one of the best dessert restaurants in San Francisco, Citizen Cake. Chef and owner Elizabeth Falkner makes wonderfully delicious little treats that Cain is sure to enjoy. You never know, maybe she’ll introduce some baseball shaped cupcakes to her menu.
Tim Lincecum – Get the Austin Powers’ smile
Yeah, baby, yeah! Timmy got some new pearly whites in the offseason with his “I’m a Cy Young Winner” money. Realistically, if he’s going to be hanging out in the Marina playing beer pong as ½ Julia has seen him doing, he’s got to be able to live up to the Marina girls’ standards. So, new chompers make sense. However, it has been proven in Bay Area sports that new teeth are the kiss of death to the team’s playoff chances. Look at what happened to the Warriors and Steven Jackson. Timmy is just asking for trouble and he’s already off to a bad start. He needs to get his old teeth back immediately and stop taking advice from Barry Zito. We all know he was behind this one.
Timmy: Hey Zito, is it true that you were seeing Paris Hilton in the off-season?
Zito: Yeah, bro. She dug my guitar.
Zito: Yeah. Dude, I’m almost as good as John Mayer, legendary guitar genius. Some say Mayer’s even better than Bob Dylan you know.
Timmy: Hmmm…I don’t know Zito.
Zito: Look man, if you want to get ass like Paris, you need to get some new chompers.
Timmy: Really, wow. I never thought mine were all that bad.
Zito: 1-800-DENTIST – get it done dude.
Brian Wilson – You’ve offended Nascar fans
Aren’t you clever Brian Wilson, a mullhawk! Wilson has taken designer hair to a whole new level with his creation of a mullet-mohawk hairstyle. But after Wilson walked the Dodgers to victory Wednesday night, it was clear that the mullhawk had gone to his head. You can see by the way Wilson tosses his hawk to the side that he is very pleased with it. I don’t get the whole obsession with hair/facial hair in baseball. Are baseball players really that bored? I’d much rather Wilson spend his down-time tweeting away on Twitter with Shaq than worrying about what new hairstyle will work with his baseball cap. He’s unfocused and he clearly can’t handle the pressure of the attitude that comes with the mullhawk. More importantly, he’s butchered a classic Nascar hairstyle and that just seems unpatriotic. Please shave your head and join twitter. Here’s a suggestion for your first tweet: Shaved head and beat the Dodgers – all us Giants LOLed about it.