Don Nelson

Golden State Wu-Warriors

A couple days ago, David commented on the Ray Allen/Amare Stoudemire/Monta Ellis post that perhaps the RZA could take over as head coach of the Warriors, which led to a thread of Wu-related pontifications that pretty much made my day (hey, I’m easy).

As the comments spilled into the keyboard, it was like I had a whole “Wu-Tang Warriors” organizational structure in place in my head. Only instead of Rob Rowell and Raymond Ritter, I had the RZA and Raekwon. I definitely had Wu on the brain for some reason.

Then yesterday I went a step further. SGL and I walked around the Haight to spend money and artfully avoid panhandlers, and ended up gawking at a bunch of shoe stores before shuffling into Amoeba Records, where I purchased 2 CD’s* for the first time in quite a while, one of them Raekwon’s classic sequel-to-a-classic, “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II.”

*(For some reason, I always like to buy two CD’s at once, so I overdose on 30 songs over the next three weeks instead of 15. I really am a record company’s dream customer.)

I don’t know if I ever gave up on the Clan, but I’ve been on the fence. Since “Supreme Clientele,” there hasn’t been anything life-changing coming from any of these guys, something where I’d put it on for three months and pretty much ignore everything else. They’ve put out some decent efforts for sure, but nothing that brought me back to 1994, when these guys were light years ahead of everybody. I’ve only been overdosing on “OB4CL2” for a couple weeks on Grooveshark and two days in my apartment, but along with the comment thread I mentioned earlier that has been long enough. Like back in college, I’m thinking about the Wu-Tang Clan all the time.

So, after a little time to listen to Raekwon, drink some luxury mojitos (sake, soju, champagne, mint and lime…you can thank me later) and construct a final business proposal, I think I’m ready to forward it to Larry Ellison. Ellison seems like a cool enough guy, he probably has “Enter the 36 Chambers” on the iPod of every yacht he owns, and “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2” on his liferafts. I’m sure Ellison is forward-thinking enough to be open to a management philosophy based upon the rap supergroup template. Plus, this post takes me away from actually thinking or writing about the real Warriors, which is a welcome break after watching them bow down to Stephen Jackson and bend over in front of Kevin Durant.

That said, here’s how Ellison should divide the workload:

RZA: Since he’s the one who got the Clan together in the first place, he’d surely do a much better job than Larry Riley at putting together a basketball team. Warriors role: General Manager

Inspektah Deck: The Rebel INS is the most detail-oriented member of the clan, and his attention to the defensive end of the floor would be a welcome change from Don Nelson’s laissez-faire approach. Warriors role: Head Coach

GZA: Method Man once said, “We form like Voltron and the GZA just happens to be the head.” He is the Genius, so it only makes sense that he’d be the X’s and O’s guy. The Warriors’ Tex Winters, if you will. Warriors role: Assistant Coach

Ghostface Killah: Egos abound in the Clan, but nobody’s ego beats Ghostdeini’s. If he can put down the Newports and other assorted substances, I can see Tony Stark averaging 30 ppg. Warriors role: High-Scoring Combo Guard

Method Man: Speaking of substances, Meth is the perfect guy to work behind the scenes and supply the team with their “performance enhancing” drugs. And if the players don’t have to procure their own weed and HGH, that leaves them a lot more time to learn the GZA’s plays. And as the hardest working “crossover” celeb in the Clan, his talents would translate perfectly to public relations. Sorry Ritter, at least you’ll have more time to comment on sports blogs under fake aliases. Warriors role: Trainer/Pharmacist/PR Director

U-God: In a group with some of the most distinctive voices ever, U-God’s baritone may be the most distinctive. And since the only thing Oracle Arena’s current professional yeller does well is scream “THREE POOOOOIIIINTS” whenever a Warrior hits one from behind the arc, I doubt he’ll be missed. Warriors role: PA Announcer

Masta Killa: The Warriors have lacked a lot of things on the court over the past couple decades, but most of all they’ve lacked toughness inside. A strong, Charles Oakley-type to grab rebounds, stare down opposing power forwards and throw back-breaking screens on unsuspecting defenders. Then again, you might be surprised if you click on his name. Warriors role: Power Forward

Cappadonna: With Method Man taking care of the medical side of things, the Wu-Warriors should be a fairly resilient bunch. However, sometimes injuries happen, and you need to dip into the NBDL for a little help from the minors. That’s where Cappadonna comes in. He’s always available, he’s better than any other option who won’t demand a percentage of royalties or even complain too much about never becoming a permanent member of the team. Two 10-day contracts a year is fine with Cappa, the Cartier Martin of rappers. Warriors role: 10-Day Contractor

Raekwon the Chef: He’s cooking up some marvelous s— to get your mouth waterin’. On some good s—! (C’mon, what other job could Lex Diamonds have? He’s 5’6″, 240 lbs!) Warriors role: Team Chef

The Late Ol’ Dirty Bastard: Never forgotten. Warriors role: Team Mascot (Hey, after the Oklahoma City Thunder stole the Warriors’, um, Thunder, the Warriors could use a new mascot, even if he can’t exactly dunk via trampoline anymore.)

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