It was a surprise to some … wait, that’s a lie. If you’re surprised Al Davis gave up a 3rd rounder in the 2012 NFL Draft for a chance to pick up Terrelle Pryor and his 40-time of 4.36, you haven’t been paying attention to the Oakland Raiders. In case you were wondering how Davis decided to make this happen, you’re in luck. We have the transcript.
Al Davis: Oh, happy day. Happy day! Happy day! Happy day! I’d jump up and click my heels, but none of you would be able to get any work done aftuh witnessing thuh greatness of my aerial abilities. Back in my day, I could jump highuh than Ray Guy could punt. Longer hangtime, as well. Look it up in thuh Encyclopediuh Britannicuh.
Hue Jackson: Coach, you seem chipper today! Times are good in the Raider Nation, I assume?
Amy Trask: Mr. Davis, what on earth is there to be happy about today? Some people are trying to blame us for the violence at Candlestick Park on Saturday night, saying we foster this type of violence in our own fan base with the “Black Hole” and our “Raider image.” I had to share airtime with Jed York this morning, for God’s sake.
Hue: Yeah, and we kind of didn’t play all that well. Sorry, coach. I didn’t transmit your vision to the team the way I should have.
Al: You think I care about a preseason game and a little fisticuffs?
Trask: (walks out, shaking her head)
Al: Dames. Always ovuhexaggerating. Hue, I’m going to present you a brand new quartuhback today. An athlete who will change thuh face of thuh American Football League. His name is Tyrelle Pryuh of Thuh Ohio State Univuhsity.
Al: Whatevuh. Hue, you’re missing thuh point here. Tyrelle has thuh kind of speed and athletic ability that Michael Vick couldn’t dream of. With his speed and his height and his speed and his height and speed and his height…
Hue: Coach, coach… (goes behind Al’s chair, turns the dial up from “4” to “7”)
Al: … Let me tell you about what speed is. Speed is a guy like Tayluh Mays, thuh only playuh thuh Forty-Ninuhs have drafted in thuh last ten years that wasn’t a complete erruh.
Hue: Coach, we can trade for him. Didn’t you get that email from Trent Baalke? They’re trying to get rid of him.
Al: Email is for lose-uhs. You can’t trust anything on there. No, what we need is to give up that useless 3rd round pick in 2012 for Pryuh. Or a second rounduh, I don’t care.
Hue: We don’t have a second next year, coach. We traded it.
Al: What we don’t have is a backup quartuhback. Trent Edwards doesn’t have the arm strength, and Kyle Bolluh is no better than a 3rd-stringuh. Pryuh is bettuh than both quartuhbacks put togethuh.
Hue: I heard he was suspended for five weeks, coach. That doesn’t worry you?
Al: Speed doesn’t need preparation. Speed doesn’t need strategy. Speed is immortal. Like me, ever since I sold my soul to Lucifuh and he presented me with this bionic chair.