Don Nelson

In sports, pessimism is your friend

One of my main philosophies in life is “don’t get your hopes up.” And I am absolutely maniacal in my attempts to keep my hopes at subpar levels.

For instance, I’ll never jinx my favorite team, even if they have the most insurmountable lead in the history of insurmountable leads. Quite the contrary, I’ll vocalize exactly what I don’t want to happen, hoping that the Sports God(s) will hear me and think, “Well, that’s no fun. BASG is expecting Nate Schierholtz to swing at a pitch that hits him in the ribs. I guess I’ll let him hit a homer here.”

So instead of posting stupid crap like, “I wonder if the Warriors would trade Monta if they got John Wall,” or, “Perhaps it will soon become illegal to drug test Aubrey Huff and Edgar Renteria,” let’s do something useful. That’s right, we’re going to go through a few worst-case scenarios that might have happened had we not already pondered them first.

1. 49ers WCS: The rumors that Mike Singletary has separate crushes on Tim Tebow and Taylor Mays are true, and the 49ers plan to draft them with picks No. 13 and 17, respectively. That sucks. I’d rather have Golden Taint than either of those two toolbags.

2. Giants WCS: Pablo Sandoval will always be a third baseman, Buster Posey will always be a first baseman and “Life of Brian” will have an uninterrupted 15-year run on Comcast Bay Area. PANDA IS A FIRST BASEMAN, AND WHILE ALL OF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT TIM LINCECUM’S BACK FAT ICHIRO WILL TEAR HIS GROIN INTO THREE PIECES (gross).

3. Warriors WCS: Don Nelson will be back next year as coach of the Warriors, only he will cede the responsibilities of “lineup making,” “gameplanning,” “communicating with the refs” and “sitting on the bench” to Keith Smart and Stephen Silas. Nellie will take over as head athletic trainer, however.

4. Raiders WCS: Al Davis will not only live forever, he will become a Raiderette.

5. Athletics WCS: Ben Sheets will meet the same fate as every other injury-plagued player on the team over the past 5 years. He’ll be forced to wear ugly batting practice jerseys while watching games from the dugout every other day.

6. Sharks WCS: The 2010 NHL Playoffs will look exactly like the Olympics did for Evgeni Nabokov.

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