The 2013 NFL season is finally over. The 49ers failed to win the Super Bowl (AGAIN). Some other jerks won it and they got totally lucky. It was a stupid season. Let us never speak of it again.

Wait. Okay, maaaaybe we can speak of it again, just for a few more days. Now that the dust has settled and we’ve all had a little time to reflect, maybe it wasn’t so bad. After all, there was a lot to laugh about this season. Laughing feels good and we should all try to laugh through the tears. In fact, that little mantra got me through the Dennis Erickson years …

Laugh through the tears.

And the Mike Nolan years …

Laugh through the tears.

And the Mike Singletary years …

LAUGH. THROUGH. THE. TEARS. GAAAAAAAH.

Jesus. Those were some lean years. Maybe looking back on those tough times will give us some context for how awful we all feel right now?

Yeah! Okay, let’s just take a quick look at Pro-Football-Reference.com here… let’s see … Ahh, yes. There it is. Okay, then let’s click on one of these seasons … hmmm … 2004? Yep. Sounds good. Okay, loading … and … OH MY GOD NO WHAT DEVILRY IS THIS WHO ALLOWED THIS CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY TO SULLY OUR BELOVED INTERNET NO NO NOOOOOO …

***

Perspective.

In 2004, the 49ers lost 14 games, which is amazing because they only played a total of 16 games. Their point differential of -12.1/game was good for last in the league. The “offense” scored 16 touchdowns. They turned the ball over 40 times. The average drive was 5 plays and someone named Steve Bush scored a touchdown. This was not a good team. #analysis

Photo credit: Brad Mangin

Photo credit: Brad Mangin

The offensive leaders that year were Tim Rattay, Kevan Barlow, and Eric Johnson, but nobody was more offensive than head coach Dennis Erickson (see what I did there?).

Hey! By they way, did you know Eric Johnson went to YALE?! Oh. You did? Okay. Nevermind.

The Dennis Erickson Era died mercifully at the end of the 2004 season, giving way to Mike Nolan. Nolan spent the next three and a half seasons sucking every remaining ounce of joy from 49ers fans. He drafted Alex Smith. He wore a suit made by Reebok on the sidelines. He gave starts at quarterback to the likes of Cody Pickett, Chris Weinke, and a 35-year-old Trent Dilfer. He was a suspected Devil worshiper and all-around terrible person.

Okay, so I made that last part up. But still, the fact remains, Mike Nolan was no picnic.

Then came Mike Singletary. His time was relatively short — just two and a half seasons — but memorable. Singletary wanted to be “The greatest NFL head coach of all time.” He wanted to check the tape. HE WANTED WINNERS. Niners fans just wanted a winning record … and a head coach who could keep his pants on.

Disgusting, right? You feel like barfing right now, don’t you? Kind of puts things in perspective, huh?

Nope. Not for KNBR callers. Perspective isn’t part of their vocabulary! NOW ON TO THE FUNNY STUFF!

***

It’s Confession Time. I, the anonymous rascal behind @LOLKNBRCallers, have been slacking this season. It’s true. I haven’t written an Inside the LOL recap of tweets in a while, probably since baseball season ended. This is really unfortunate, because KNBR 49ers callers are a gold mine. We had a lot of fun this season on Twitter, making fun of the Kap Bashers, and the Alex Loyalists, and even the Greg Roman Haterz. But there’s way too much hilarity to not share on BASG. I dropped the ball this season. I left you guys out in the cold. So, please accept my heartfelt apology, non-Twitterering community, and let’s move forward.

Now, since this whole season of LOL KNBR Callers has gone by largely undocumented on BASG, I’ve decided to recap the entire season in a three part series. In part one, we’ll take an in-depth look at the soft underbelly of the 49ers fan base, primarily those fans who’ve earned us the nickname Forty-Whiners to the rest of the league. Sit back and enjoy, as KNBR callers grouse and grumble their way through a 12-4 season.

***

The Head Coach

Jim Harbaugh sucks. Oh, you didn’t know? Sure, his career record is 36-11, and yes, he’s been to 3 NFC Championships in his first 3 seasons. So? What have you done for me lately??

That’s right! Try all you want, Harbaugh. You’ll never live up to the standards of Bill Warsh.

You hear that, coach? That’s the sound of hindsight crushing you into tiny bits and pieces. A.J. Jenkins. LaMichael James. Nnamde Aso-whats-his-name. These were the cornerstones of your franchise and you failed to recognize it. You made a fool out of all of us! For shame. FOR SHAME.

The Coaching Staff

But you can’t put all of the blame on Harbaugh. He’s just the Head Coach. What about his coaching staff? Yup. You guessed it. They suck too!

It’s almost like Eric Mangini is such a genius that … it’s almost as if he should have some sort of nickname, or something, to indicate how much smarter he is than all of the other coaches … Hmmmm. Nah. Nothing’s coming to me right now. Sorry, I’ll have to get back to you on that.

The Organization

The buck stops here. Sorry, Trent Baalke. Nobody is spared from the wrath of KNBR callers. Sure, you constructed one of the best rosters in the league, but WHY CAN’T YOU EVALUATE TALENT?

Jed York. You scumbag. How DARE you focus on building a new state-of-the-art stadium. How DARE you make commercials. SOMEBODY MUST ATONE FOR OUR LACK OF SUCCESS.

The Defense

Third ranked in the NFL? That’s trash. Blow it up. Get rid of these clowns.

Ha! OMG, KNBR callers! You so crazy! This team has been great. Why can’t these people just enjoy the ride?? Surely the hosts will put a stop to this nonsense! Right?!

Okay, guess not.

Well, you get the point. I think that’s enough Niner Haterz for one post, but don’t worry, there’ll be more in part two of this series, when we look at the phenomenon known as #KapBash!

***

Seahawks Rivalry

Grrrr … those pesky Seahawks! The Niners developed quite a rivalry with the Seachickens this season. They were jerks and we were the good guys. The teams were evenly matched and everybody seemed to genuinely hate each other. It was really fun, right up until the moment Richard Sherman yelled “KALIMAAAAAAA!” and reached into our collective chest cavity, pulled our still-beating heart out, and mushed our face with it, with the guts and yucky blood and everything. Fun times!

The week leading up to the NFC Championship game made for some memorable radio and those wacky morning show boys on KNBR got it all started with a MORNING SHOW MAYORAL THROWDOWN unlike any we’d ever witnessed before!

Callers inundated Ray Woodson with hot takes all week on Sportsphone 680.

And of course, Niner fans tried to inspire the team by showing their grit and toughness.

Them’s fightin’ words!

Yes, the Seahawks-49ers rivalry brought out the best and the brightest. We can only hope that next year Jim Harbaugh and his staff take a little more time to listen to KNBR and digest the wisdom of these callers. It might just win them a Super Bowl some day.