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In part one of our 49ers season in review – A Season on the Brink, we flipped the 49ers fan base onto its back and examined its soft underbelly. What we found was horrifying.

Faced with the adversity of a 12-4 record and the sour taste of another failed playoff run in their mouths, distraught fans flocked to the KNBR airwaves this season to blow off steam. Niner fans bitched and moaned about the offense, the defense, the coaches, and the front office. Not even the brand new, state-of-the-art stadium was above reproach, as KNBR hosts and callers criticized every aspect of an organization clearly up to its eyeballs in institutional failure. #sarcasm

It was really fun/disturbing to look back on all those tweets, but … but, wait! There’s more!

Harbaugh Haterz? Roman Rejectors? Baalke Backstabbers? Psssht … Child’s play!

Welcome back for part two of the 49ers season review! Welcome to Kap Bashing!

***

The #KapBash phenomenon began as early as the 2012 season. Even as Alex Smith (no stranger to KNBR haterz himself) faded into the background and Colin Kaepernick burst onto the scene, there were rumblings of discontent amongst a small portion of the fan base. Emboldened by an offseason filled with perceived missteps — ERMAHGERD HE WORE A DOLPHINS HAT — the Kap Bashers came into the 2013 regular season with their talons sharpened and 808-KNBR on speed dial.

NFL pundits were quick to hang impossible expectations on Kaepernick after his impressive run through the playoffs in 2012. The 49ers were about to become a dynasty, with Kap as the centerpiece. Most fans understood this was just the NFL hype machine doing its thing, but the crazies weren’t having it. Kaepernick would have to play like Joe and walk the Earth like Jesus to avoid their wrath. All was quiet, until back-to-back blowout losses to the Seahawks and Colts. By then it was clear, Colin Kaepernick was not the Christ-Montana hybrid. The dream was dead. Meanwhile KNBR hosts pounded listeners on a daily basis with hot takes about his tattoos and half-naked pictures on the internet, abandoning all pretense of providing actual analysis (which requires effort and rational thought and other icky stuff like that … yuck!).

The backlash was swift and laughably predictable. Without the knowledge (or the desire) to really understand why Kaepernick was struggling, callers and hosts did what they do best. They just made stuff up!

We’re going to get into all of this ridiculousness in the tweets section below, but first, some much needed perspective…

***

This is a comprehensive list of quarterbacks with at least one start for the San Francisco 49ers since Jeff Garcia left after the 2003 season:

• Tim Rattay
• Ken Dorsey
• Alex Smith
• Cody Pickett
• Al Bundy
• Johnny Utah
• Trent Dilfer
• Shaun Hill
• Chris Weinke
• Reno Hightower
• Stan Gable
• J.T. O’Sullivan
• Troy Smith
• Uncle Rico
• Colin Kaepernick

Seriously, look at that list. Outside of Colin Kaepernick, 2010-11 Alex Smith, and maaaaybe Stan Gable (pre-Tri Lambda fiasco), this list is a bucket full of tube socks stuffed with congealed vomit. Niner fans had a great run of quarterbacks for about 25 years, but got damn … when the other shoe dropped, it dropped HARD. That damn shoe kicked us right in the ass.

But I digress. The point is, the dark days are over. CALM DOWN, KNBR CALLERS. Kaepernick is here now. Everything is going to be okay. YOU CAN LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN. 

What? Too anecdotal for your taste? Oh, I see how it is. You want some numbers, Poindexter? Okay, let’s get down and dirty then. I’mma ‘bout to get my statistical analysis on!

Confession Time: The tire fire below is a shameless attempt to justify the (literally) hours I spent trying to gather simple statistics on a few quarterbacks. What you are about to see is the “fruits” of my labor. Truth be told, the customizable report creator function at Pro-Football-Reference.com reduced a grown man to tears last night. It wasn’t pretty. Please, just humor me and act like you read and enjoyed this part of the post and gleaned some shred of relevance from it. K, thanks.

Important Statistical Analysis:

Here we have the first three years of data for several elite NFL quarterbacks (and Alex Smith).

First up is Colin Kaepernick:

ANALYSIS: There’s a lot to like here. Great Y/A. Pretty good TD-Int ratio. Respectable QB rating. And those rushing TDs. Me likey!

CONCLUSION: Suck it, Trent Dilfer.

Here are the same numbers for Joe Montana:

ANALYSIS: Is this the same Joe Montana who won a Super Bowl? With these numbers? You gotta be kidding me. Bum!

CONCLUSION: Duh. Look at the numbers. Colin Kaepernick is clearly better than Joe Montana.

And here are the same numbers for Steve Young:

ANALYSIS: Bro … BRO … Really, bro?

CONCLUSION: This is embarrassing. Colin Kaepernick is DEFINITELY better than Steve Young.

Peyton Manning’s numbers:

ANALYSIS: Forget everything you see here and just focus your attention on the interceptions. Those are turnovers, folks. Game changers. You can’t play all loosey-goosey with the football and expect to win football games. 

CONCLUSION: OMAHA! OMAHA! OMAHA! Call an audible on Peyton’s entire career. He’s a fraud. Kaepernick is the superior quarterback.

John Elway’s numbers:

ANALYSIS: John Elway was picked off 55 times in his first three seasons and he has one of the most punchable faces in the history of professional sports. I think we’re done here.

CONCLUSION: Upon further review, we’ve all been lied to. John Elway was a train wreck. Kap is better and it’s not even close.

And here we have Aaron Rodgers’ first three seasons:

ANALYSIS: LOL AARON RODGERS

CONCLUSION: LOLOLOLOL

And finally, Alex Smith. More on him later in the post, but for now, feast your eyes on these numbers!

ANALYSIS: /thousand yard stare

CONCLUSION: /dry heaves repeatedly

After digesting all of these numbers and consulting many complex flow charts and plot graphs, I’ve concluded that Colin Kaepernick is really fricking good. The only question on my mind is whether or not they’ll allow Kaepernick to wear his Beats by Dre headphones for his bust in Canton. 

***

Alright, enough of that. Let’s get to the tweets. Without further ado, I present to you…

The Top 10 Forms of #KapBash heard on KNBR

#1 – Get off my lawn

“He comes into the media sessions with his hat backwards and sideways! … The other quarterbacks dress appropriately!” #KapBash

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) December 11, 2013

The tattoos. The headphones. Wearing sunglasses indoors. The flat-brimmed hats that are often worn backwards, or worse, backwards and turned sideways. It’s too much for KNBR hosts and callers to handle. Doesn’t he know hats are meant to be worn forward-facing, with some curve to the bill? The kids call it swag. Poppycock! Johnny Unitas never had swag!

Inga in Pacifica: “Kaepernick has offended the spirit of Bill Walsh, by kissing the bicep and the nude spread…although that was tasteful.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) December 5, 2013

“I wouldn’t want my grandchildren to look up to Harbaugh…or Kaepernick for that matter, with the tattoos and all that.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 15, 2014

#2 – Shoddy analysis

Caller: “I don’t think [insert mispronounced player’s name] has what it takes.”
Host: “Okay, why don’t you think he has what it takes?”
Caller: “Well, I’ve been watching [insert sports team] for 30 years and so…”
Host: “But do you have any reasons for saying he doesn’t have what it takes?”
Caller: “Uhhh … Errr … [panic sets in] Ummm …”
Host: “Hello?”
Caller: “GAAAAAAH! BODY LANGUAGE! CONFIDENCE! LEADER! CLASS! EYEBALL TEST!”
[line goes dead]

“I’ve got a bone to pick, mainly with Colin Kapernick. I don’t like his body language off the field and on the sidelines.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) October 28, 2013

“He got lucky. He’s never gonna beat class quarterbacks like Brady and Russell Wilson. He’s like a deer in headlights out there.” #KapBash

Oh, body language. The preferred crutch of shoddy analysis since 1982!

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 6, 2014

Why can’t Kap just act like all the other quarterbacks?! Look at Russell Wilson. He looks his teammates in the eye and greets them with a firm handshake. Now that’s a quarterback!

#3 – The Running Quarterback Narrative

Everyone knows running quarterbacks can’t throw and throwing quarterbacks can’t run. It’s science.

“Harbrow chose the intelligence of Alex Smith, which is much more than Kaepernick, for sure, and taken his talent over Smith’s intellect.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) December 11, 2013

“He doesn’t go through his progressions. Any great quarterback has INTELLECT and I just don’t think Colin Kaepernick has the intellect.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) December 30, 2013

Ahh, yes. The person who calls sports talk radio and waits on hold for over an hour to talk about someone else’s lack of intellect, without even a hint of irony.

#4 – His social media habits don’t conform to my expectations

These people are pretty much interchangeable with the GET OFF MY LAWN crowd. Can you believe Kap has the gall to post pictures of himself doing extravagant things on the internet?! What does he think he is, a rich, single, 25-year-old pro athlete?? This is so inappropriate!

The last caller provided some evidence to support his claim that Kap is a terrible human being: “He posts pics of his shoes on Instagram.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 15, 2014

Another really funny/annoying talking point that floated around KNBR for what seemed like three months was the notion that “The Haterz” were inside Kap’s head because he was Favoriting tweets that criticized him. Murph & Mac were particularly obsessed with Kap’s Twitter habits. To be honest, it was a little creepy.

Brian Murphy: “Is it time for Kap to see a Sports Psychologist?”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 20, 2013

#5 – What is he doing on the sidelines? DOES HE EVEN WATCH FILM?!

This one should probably be #1 on the list, but I’m too lazy to change it. When Kap struggled, KNBR callers grasped for anything they could think of to explain it. One of the funniest #KapBash themes was whether Kaepernick was “putting in the time.” Callers brought it up so often that Brian Murphy actually asked Jim Harbaugh and Greg Roman about it in weekly interviews.

“Kaepernick isn’t looking at his playbook on the sidelines. He’s not studying.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 11, 2013

One caller became so obsessed, he began monitoring Kaepernick from the stands with binoculars and would call in each week to give a full report on Kap’s sideline behavior.

“When Kaepernick goes to the sidelines after a drive, he just stands there. He’s not talking to anyone or making adjustments. Nothing.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 11, 2013

That’s not totally true. This photo of Kaepernick was taken on the sidelines during a week 3 loss to the Indianapolis Colts. Kap is obviously NOT just standing around on the sidelines. He’s getting some ink done.

I guess the guy with the binoculars missed THAT, huh?

#6 – Why can’t he be more like Russell Wilson?

“This is Russell Wilson’s 2nd year too. Stop making excuses for CRAPPERNICK.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) September 23, 2013

Comparing Kap to Russell Wilson is a totally valid exercise. Leave it to KNBR callers to make a mockery of it.

“I think you have a good human being in Russell Wilson on one hand, and all the way on the other end of the spectrum is Colin Kaepernick.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 15, 2014

Russell Wilson loves puppy dogs, ice cream, and dressing up for Halloween is totes his fav!

He loves his wife.

Face it. Russell Wilson is just better than you.

“The quarterback from Seattle doesn’t do all of that. He’s respectful and well spoken…and he’s an accurate passer too.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 15, 2014

HOLY RACIAL CODING, BATMAN!

#7 – Kap hates the media!

Sigh. Just read this.

#8 – He’s a big jerk face meanie

How do KNBR callers know this? They just do. That’s how.

“Kaepernick does a lot of laughing on the sidelines. He smiles too much. Like he’s looking for the cameras to get a picture of him.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) October 28, 2013

“I wish Kap would acknowledge the fans. He’s arrogant and acts like he doesn’t even like us or this city.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) December 9, 2013

Body language!

#9 – He’s just not very good at football

“Kaepernick needs to stop kissing his bicep and start focusing on passing accuracy!” #ZING

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 18, 2013

“If Colin Kaepernick doesn’t perform tonight, I think they gotta start looking for a quarterback.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 25, 2013

“I’m sick of people saying Kaepernick is a good quarterback. The 49ers should lose him.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 20, 2014

From the KNBR Text Machine: A long list of quarterbacks who are better than Colin Kaepernick, including Case Keenum.

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 20, 2014

#49ers Empire: Do you believe in Head Coach Jim Harbaugh and QB Colin Kaepernick or is it time for a change?

— 95.7 The GAME (@957thegame) January 21, 2014

“I don’t think Kaepernick should be going into camp next year just ASSUMING the job is his.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 23, 2014

“Keep Harbaugh and make Colt McCoy the starter and SIGN OUR FREE AGENTS.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 24, 2014

#10 – Alex Smith is better

Yes, this is still a thing.

“We need to go back to playing Alex Smith Football this week.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) January 15, 2014

/facepalm

“Alex Smith was the #1 rated quarterback…the #1 rated quarterback IN THE NFL …when they benched him.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 4, 2013

Alex Smith: the #1 rated quarterback of KNBR Callers

“Kaepernick has zero confidence, while Alex has nine and zero confidence.” #LOLKNBRZingers

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 12, 2013

ZINGER ALERT!

“Nobody EVER gives Alex Smith credit for getting to the Super Bowl last year.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) October 7, 2013

“I am amazed…AMAZED…amazed amazed amazed amazed…by your station, which never gives credit to Alex Smith.” #amazed

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) November 4, 2013

“Please join my Facebook group, Bring Back Alex.”

— LOL KNBR Callers (@LOLKNBRCallers) October 7, 2013

Okay, stop. Just stop. This is getting sad.

Thanks for suffering through this post. See you next week for part three of the 49ers season in review.