Inside the LOL Logo

Welcome to another week of Inside the LOL, a new feature here at BASG, covering all things LOLKNBR!

There’s no way to sugar coat this one, folks. Last week sucked. The Giants went 1-6 to start their 10 game roadie, including a soul-crushing sweep at the hands of eleventy-million tool superstar, Yasiel Puig and the Los Yasieles Puigers.

Here’s the entire week summed up in one tweet from @auburnreality:

That’s it. If you want to read on, be my guest. I guess I’ll write something, but that was pretty much it.

Are you sure?

/sigh

Fine.

***
As expected, while Giants pitchers continually melted down over and over and over again right before our eyes, KNBR hosts and callers took it all in stride, repeating all of the familiar mantras. Stay the course. Steady as she goes. It’s a long season and nobody should be panicking…..OH MY GAWD NOOOOOO WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY GIANTS NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A TEAM PLAY BASEBALL THIS POORLY RELIEF PITCHING IS A TOOL OF THE DEVIL AND THE SPIRIT OF DINGER HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF MY BODY OH NO FLESH EATING WORMS GAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Okay, so maybe KNBR isn’t the Rock of Gibraltar sports fans are running to when they need strength of resolve. So what. This is 2013. Bruce Macgowan ain’t walking through that door with a big smile and another body-surfing story. In fact, Larry Krueger just bashed him over the head with a fungo and started feeding on his lifeless body. Zombie Larry Krueger thrives on negativity, and let’s be honest, KNBR is always more fun when our Bay Area teams are struggling. Nothing gets the 808-KNBR veins pumping like a Giants losing streak. So, cast aside your sorrows and join me in laughing at the pain of others. Embrace the chaos! Viva la Zombie Krueger!

***
If you listen to KNBR 680 from 9-noon, you probably already know there’s only one baseball player Zombie Larry Krueger would put his merciless reign of terror on hold for and that player is Yasiel Puig. Most Giants fans got their first look at Krueger’s precious last week and Puig definitely lived up to all of the hype.

Well, maybe not ALL of the hype…

Wow. Larry Krueger loves him some Puig! How big is that love? Gary shared the thoughts of one texter who had a theory on that.

/cut to shot of Puig and Krueger cramped together in a purple tea cup, squealing with delight as they spin around and around

I’ll give Krueger one thing: Puig is much faster than Barry Bonds ever was. How fast is he exactly? There’s only one way to find out!

Luckily, we have some scouting video on Boch courtesy of our own Carmen Kiew.

Bruce Bochy Running Dot Gif

Those are some serious credentials right there. Look at those quick, eeeeasy strides. Boch is more of a sprinter than a long-distance guy. I really like him from 90 feet in. For me, it’s Bochy by a head. HAHAHA. Get it?

…and speaking of shameless plugs for Carmen, she’ll be appearing on Talkin’ Baseball with Marty Lurie THIS Saturday on KNBR 680. Check it out!

***
Now for some general KNBR caller tomfoolery…

It’s funny this caller chose the year 1985. The Giants lost 100 games that season and had losing streak of 7 and 10 games before July 1st.

Any time someone starts out their call with the phrase, “I have a blockbuster trade,” it’s a good indicator there’s a train wreck a-comin’, but this caller went above and beyond when he chose to cite a fantasy baseball transaction as support for his blockbuster. Sheer genius.

LOL

WUT

DOUBLE WUT. HOW DARE YOU.

Yup. Not even Buster is protected from the wrath of KNBR callers. Nobody is safe from these monsters. It kind of makes you want to wrap him up in a cocoon of Freedom and Giants-themed wearable blankets and tell him the bad callers will never get to him. Never. Ever. Never.

But maybe they already have… You see that pound sign thingee there, #PoseyProblems? That’s a hashtag. They’re kind of a big deal. We should talk about them for a minute, because you’re going to be seeing a lot of them in this here weekly post.

For the uninitiated, hashtags are words or phrases you see on social media sites accompanied by those little # signs. People hashtag (that’s a verb now, try to keep up) keywords in their tweets and status updates. Usually, you can click on a hashtag to see what people are saying about that subject. Some hashtags are more popular than others, but literally anyone can create a hashtag. Anyone. Watch this.

#pastamassage

#falafelshartposse

#ROFLMAOaboutdisco

#justchillaxingwithmybros

#Iheartmildsalsabecausehotsalsaistoohot

Those are some hashtags I just made up on the fly. Go ahead and try it. If you think of a good one, don’t be afraid to post it in the comments. No, this isn’t a contest. It’s purely for love of the hashtag. You won’t win any delicious Amici’s pizzas or anything, but you could find yourself checking “Get a Pasta Massage” off of your bucket list by the end of this weekend, and really, isn’t that what life’s all about? YOLO.

Hashtags are kind of like the hipster mustache of social media. Some are real and some are ironical. The line is blurred. At @LOLKNBRCallers it’s safe to assume most of the hashtags are ironic. Some (#LOLKNBRCallers #LOLKNBRHosts #LOLKNBRStreetCred #LOLKNBRAfterDark) I use to add context to a tweet and others (#FatChat #BeltBash #TalkinJoaquin #TimmyTalk #PoseyProblems) I use to point out the absurdity of hosts and callers who bring up the same old tired topics again and again and again. I’ve created dozens of silly hashtags. They’re actually pretty annoying. Unless….they aren’t. See? BLURRED LINE.

***
Lately, the topic of Pablo Sandoval’s weight has been a mainstay on KNBR. Literally EVERYBODY is asking, is Pablo too fat? Does it matter? Why can’t the trainers just put a muzzle on him? Will he eat my pen if I ask him for an autograph? The hosts may feign boredom when the topic comes up, but they keep taking calls on it, so #FatChat lives on.

Proceed!

Hey, Pablo is slumping. I have an idea. LET’S ALTER HIS GENETICS!

Can you imagine Pablo and Bochy having a meeting in his office to discuss human genetics? We would definitely want to have cameras rolling to capture every uncomfortable grunt and groan. Somebody alert SFG Productions. That would be appointment television.

Hey. I know genetic testing sounds really awful, but KNBR callers are just trying to help. These callers are trying to think of SOLUTIONS. They don’t just sit around whining all day, like you! They want to fix Pablo.

I couldn’t agree more with this caller. Genetics? Seriously? Junk science. Everyone knows that weight issues are ALL in the head, right? Maybe that chubby, cuddly Kung Fu Panda nickname was the problem all along! Maybe that damn nickname gave Pablo a bad body image!

Let’s think of some new nicknames for Pablo that will inspire him to shed some pounds and hit more dingers!

 

 

 

 

Good work, everyone. We did it!

***
It’s time to wrap this thing up with my favorite tweet of the week. At the beginning of each month, Marty Lurie runs a contest for a dinner with him and his producer at Original Joe’s. The winner must correctly predict the number of wins the Giants will have for the month. It all sounds pretty simple. Call the show, do a little ‘rithmetic, come up with a guess, and wait for Marty to take your call, and yet…

Alright, that’s it for another week of Inside the LOL. Thanks for reading!

This week is shaping up to be even worse for the Giants, so please keep Ray Woodson and Marty Lurie in your prayers.

Until then I leave you with this disturbing image:

Chilling, isn’t it?