Brandon Belt world series paradeHello, LOLSPORTS fans! It’s time for another installment of everyone’s favorite semi-weekly round up of sports talk buffoonery – Inside the LOL! 

By the way [SHAMELESS PLUG] have you “liked” LOL KNBR Callers on Facebook yet? If you haven’t yet, you should! Because if you don’t, you could, uhhhh, you could miss all the stuff I already include on these weekly posts…? Look, just check it out. If you have time. Okay? Thanks.

ANYWAYS, its been a couple weeks since we last went Inside the LOL together. Please pardon the delay, but I had to take last week off to bring you the inaugural KNBR Host POWER RANKINGS. We have a lot of tweets to get to, so instead of the normal 500 words of marginally funny observations and bad puns, let’s jump right in and get to the tweet & potatoes of this post! (I’m sorry)

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Brandon Belt Goes From Zero to Hero

When it comes to the 2013 Giants, no other player’s story has stirred the emotions of fans quite like middle relievin’ lightning rod, Jake Dunning. The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy” of San Francisco’s bullpen has been lighting up the phone lines at 808-KNBR all Summer with his shocking displays of bravado on the field.

Okay, so maybe Dunning isn’t the next B-Weezy. It was worth a try. Anything to take the heat off of my main man, Brandon Belt. You’re all familiar with Brandon Belt. The much maligned 1st baseman with the heart of gold, who has curiously become THE lightning rod for Giants fans since the departure of Brian Wilson. Half the fan base hates him. The other half loves him. And the other half? They just want everyone to get along. Is that one half too many? Yes. Am I terrible at math? Maybe. The point is, KNBR callers are PASSIONATE about Belt, and any time you inject PASSION into sports talk, the lulz are gonna be amazing.

Dear, KNBR: It may be time to pull the plug on The Scarecrow. This guy calls every show, every single day, with the same tired, long-winded speeches and corny one-liners. The response is almost Pavlovian when I hear his voice, as my fingers are trained to seek out my keyboard to tweet his ridiculous sports takes.

This seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? I mean, I think a few extra sessions with Hensley “Bam Bam” Muelens should do the trick. We don’t need to send Belt away to some sort of concentration camp for bad hitters, do we?. Yeesh.

Alright, that seems rational.

Uhhhh….

Good one, Lynchie! But unfortunately, it appears he does have shoulders. And they are fairly slumpy. Damn it.

gumby belt

On a side note, is this Photoshop by our own Ruthless Sports Guy the worst/greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? I think so.

Our last word on Belt (this week) comes from long time Belt Backer, Bob Fitzgerald.

That’s gold, Fitzie. GOLD.

Still, while fans may seem infatuated with Belt now, Dunning remains the straw that stirs the drink in San Francisco.

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One thing I get asked a lot is, “Are these callers drunk or stoned…or both?

Until KNBR and the KNBR Caller’s Union can come to an agreement on random drug testing, I don’t know if we’ll ever know for sure, but I’m certainly not above profiling. Sometimes you just put two and two together, like that time you saw Bobby Estalella at the gym with his shirt off, alternately applying both a clear and a cream substance to his skin, and then you saw him hit eight home runs in one game the next day. Listen to what your instincts tell you. If a KNBR caller is laughing a lot more than they should be, and slurring his or her words, and making grunting noises, they’re probably lit like a Christmas tree.

Who is Skate Scott? For Arthur in Bay Point, that’s Kate Scott after a 12-pack of Natty Light.

I remember this woman’s call. She’s the one who wanted to send Belt away to hitting camp. She was completely housed.

“What, this stuff? It’s medicinal. For my Glaucoma.”

Shrooms. Definitely shrooms.

Maybe some acid, too.

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Training camp has begun for the 49ers and Raiders, which reminds me that there is no real offseason for LOL KNBR callers. Excuse me.

/weeps gently

/composes self

Ahem. KNBR hasn’t gone full board yet on the NFL, but it’s getting close. Here are a few funnies to break up the Giants Talk.

No. The Alex Smith calls will never end. Why are you even asking me that?

And another Alex Smith call. Kill it with fire!

Luke in Sacramento, if you’re reading, leave a comment!

Really looking forward to that 49ers postgame call-in show with Larry Krueger and Rich Walcoff.

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And now back to your regularly scheduled Giants lulz.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Analysis!

Jokes!

Fantasy advice!

Outrage!

Nonsense!

An incredible lack of understanding of baseball’s amateur draft!

That doesn’t even make sense!

Screw it! Say anything you want!

Damn right, he’s not!

Baggs, you rule.

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Okay, time to wrap up this post with a few more random gems. These are my personal favorites. The casual statements people make on the radio because they’re out of their element, or maybe because they’re just weirdos, I don’t know. Whatever. It’s funny.

Our leader in the clubhouse for LOLKNBR Parent of the Year.

Tremendous response from Ray Woodson.

YOU NEVER EVEN LACED ‘EM UP, RICK!

Excuse me.

/hurls everywhere

He said boob.

This last one is from one of my favorite calls of the year. Unfortunately, tweeting it just doesn’t do the call justice. He was so sincere. So concerned for Gary. If you heard the caller live, you know what I mean.

Maybe some day I’ll look into recording some calls, but I don’t know. That sounds like a lot of work.

Okay, gotta go.