We’ve all been there.
Chewed up and spit out by life. Lower than low. Rock bottom.
For the last several weeks, we’ve all watched as the San Francisco Giants have sunk deeper and deeper into the abyss. The parade of dinks and dunks turning into big innings. The defensive meltdowns. Uncharacteristic managerial blunders. An offensive attack bordering on pointless. Other…stuff.
It ain’t pretty.
But I’m not here to talk about the past. The scribes and pundits have already documented the daily struggles of the team. Some brave souls have even endeavored to compile a list of Rock Bottom moments. Why relive those painful moments again? Instead, let us examine the pain still to come.
Yes, Giants fans, there is pain still to come. I’m sorry to be the bearer of ill tidings, but if you think we’ve reached the nadir of the Giants 2013 season, think again. I have news from The Future. Don’t ask me how I obtained this information. I have a source. A secret source, whose identity I won’t reveal. Just trust me on this one and know that it can, and will, get worse for the San Francisco Giants.
Before I explain, let’s take a look at what the Giants are up against. We’ve already reached depths unseen since the days of Ryan Klesko and Dax Jones and Dave LaPoint, but have we hit absolute Rock Bottom yet? Where is the bottom?
As Marty Lurie would say, it’s a good question, Pat. To help us visualize actual Rock Bottom, I’ve created a diagram which shows how far we’ve come and how much further into Rock Bottomyness we still have yet to go.
That’s right, Giants fans. We’re headed halfway to China. To the Earth’s core. Liquid hot magma all up in our grills.
Luckily, my unnamed source embedded in the future brought back to me this timeline of events. Against the better judgment of Dr. Emmett Brown, I’ve decided to reveal to you what is about to happen to the 2013 Giants. Attempting to alter these events in any way could start a chain reaction that could unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe! So, uhh….like, try to be careful and stuff.
Date: July 12, 2013
From: Super Secret Source
Re: The Search for Rock Bottom
Tuesday, July 23rd (vs. Reds) - Larry Krueger is given a high ranking position in the Giants front office. Krueger vows to execute his innovative 13-point plan for trading every underperforming Giants player in exchange for Baseball America’s top ten prospects. The plan fails miserably and he is fired. Krueger returns to KNBR and rips the Giants for hiring him in the first place.
Saturday, July 27th (vs Cubs) - The Hawaiian Airlines Broadcast Booth is temporarily quarantined for 30 days after Dave Flemming & Jon Miller contract double Shingles. In an attempt to boost ratings, KNBR program director, Lee Hammer offers lucrative 30-day contracts to Eric Byrnes and Bip Roberts to broadcast games in their absence.
Sunday, July 28th (vs Cubs) - Backlash from the recent Build-A-Bear shutdown hits hard, when a militant group of Build-A-Bear loyalists takeover the stadium’s @Café and seize control of the @SFGiants Twitter account. After a lengthy standoff, the group is finally detained by SFPD, but not before creating a series of popular Build-A-Bear hashtags, which trend worldwide and totally embarrass Bryan Srabian.
Monday, August 5th (vs. Brewers) - In an attempt to spark the team, manager Bruce Bochy replaces Brandon Belt at 1st base with Giants mascot, Lou Seal and names Amy G. his closer. Bochy puts Lou Seal in the leadoff spot, hoping he can get on base using his large belly and frequent pelvic thrusts to draw HBPs.
Sunday, August 11th (vs. Orioles) - Marty Lurie unknowingly ingests a hallucinogenic during his KNBR pregame show (brownies gifted to him by KNBR caller, Andrea the Astrologer), and is arrested for running on the field and attacking Brandon Belt. As authorities drag him off the field, Lurie is heard screaming, “HEY, WE NEED A POWER BAT AT FIRST BASE! SORRY, KID! THAT’S BASEBALL!”
Monday, August 12th (off day) – Several players and coaches are stricken with food poisoning after ingesting improperly sealed leftovers from the team fridge. Later, it is revealed that Andres Torres was too nice to throw out other people’s containers when it was his turn to clean out the fridge.
Thursday, August 22nd (vs. Pirates) – Mike Krukow takes a nasty spill while riding Hunter Pence’s scooter around the Marina. Post-concussion Syndrome causes his personality to change from positive to incredibly dark and negative. Evil Krukow, as he’s now known, changes all of his catchphrases to evil versions (GRAB SOME PINE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, MEAT!) and trolls Kuiper mercilessly on air about his career numbers.
Monday, September 2nd (at Padres) – MOAR SHINGLES. Kuiper and Evil Krukow contract double Shingles during the road trip. In an attempt to boost ratings, Comcast Sportsnet Bay Area offers lucrative 30-day contracts to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to broadcast games.
Thursday, September 5th (vs Dbacks) – Buster Posey is placed on the DL after an army of angry seagulls descends upon AT&T Park, kidnapping the All-Star catcher and carrying him away to their secret lair in the Farallon Islands. In exchange for Posey’s safe return, the seagull syndicate demands 500 lbs. of hot dog buns and a permanent ban on extra inning games at AT&T Park.
Friday, September 6th (vs Dbacks) - The popular KNBR Postgame Wrap is canceled and replaced with a new 2-hour show called Rules of the Game with Tim McCarver.
Tuesday, September 10th (vs Rockies) – Marty Lurie experiences a Brownie Flashback mid-game. In his altered state, he discovers the value of Sabermetrics and challenges Hank Schulman to a duel in the press box.
Thursday, September 12th (at Dodgers) – Hunter Pence convinces Pablo Sandoval to go Paleo. Pablo goes back on the DL after his body rejects Kale and all other forms of digestible vegetation. Shaken by the news, Pence denounces the Paleo lifestyle and pigs out on pizza and ice cream.
Monday, September 23rd (off day) – Just a few days from returning to the team after hamstring surgery, Angel Pagan is impaled by a unicorn.
Wednesday, September 25th (vs Dodgers) – Lincecum and Crawford attempt to break up a 10-game losing streak by sacrificing a live turkey. In the grips of an intense Paleo flashback, Pablo Sandoval freaks out and chases the turkey around the clubhouse waving a meat cleaver, injuring several teammates. #FatChat
Friday, September 27th (vs Dodgers) – Sabean breaks his foot literally kicking the tires while shopping for a new team bus. The injury requires a cast, which only Andres Torres and Jeff Francoeur will sign. Jilted by the snub, Sabean fires the coaching staff and draws up plans to gut the roster in the offseason.
Monday, September 30th (day one of the offseason) – The 2013 San Francisco Giants hit actual Rock Bottom. All is lost.