This post is going to be absurd. You should know that going in. Normally BASG doesn’t even cover the Olympics; Winter, Summer, or otherwise. As far as I know, Bruce Bochy has no connection to the Olympics whatsoever. And the Olympics aren’t generally known for being very funny, at least, not on purpose. So, yeah, like I said. Absurd. You’ll probably have questions along the way. Let’s try to answer those now.
Q: Why am I here?
A: You’re a Bay Area sports fan looking for top notch Olympic coverage.
Q: Will this post provide the top notch Olympic coverage I’m looking for?
A: LOL NO.
Q: Why am I here again?
A: To see funny pictures.
Q: Oh, yeah. Wait, what? Bochy in the Olympics?
A: Yup. Bochy photoshopped into the Sochi Olympics.
A: Why not.
Q: Okaaaaay. Well, are you at least good at Photoshop?
A: No. In fact, I’m pretty terrible. In a weird way, that’s kind of what makes it funny.
Q: Are you explaining to me why it’s funny?
A: Yeah. I should stop doing that.
Q: What are “Bochy noises?”
A: [Bochy noises]
Q: Are you okay?
A: Yes. I was just answering your question.
Q: Uhh … What?
A: What are Bochy noises … Have you ever heard Bruce Bochy talk? You know that noise he makes when he’s not sure how to answer a question?
Q: Oh, yeah. You mean the one where it sounds like he’s trying to clear his throat after swallowing a mouthful of gravel? That one?
A: Yeah, that one.
Q: What about it?
A: I don’t know. It’s funny, isn’t it? It’s kind of a catch-all noise for disappointment, puzzlement, awkwardness, incredulity, mild distress, etc. You kind of imagine him making the noise when someone asks him a question he’s not comfortable answering. Or after a Belt strikeout.
Q: Kind of like if I asked you if you actually get paid to write this stuff?
A: [Bochy noises]
Q: Okay, I think I get it. So, you photoshopped Bruce Bochy into odd situations at the Olympics.
A: Right, and…
Q: And I’m supposed to imagine him making the [Bochy noises].
Q: And this is supposed to be funny?
Q: And where did this come from?
A: It’s a Twitter thing.
Q: [Bochy noises]
A: Well played.
There is no smooth transition into what you’re about to see, so I’m not even going to try. Just sit back and enjoy the ride and know that you’ll more than likely be seeing some of these images again in your nightmares.
By now you’ve probably heard about Russia’s embarrassing gaffe at the opening ceremonies. Silly Russkies! They had six and half years to practice this ring formation and they still messed it up. We can only imagine the uncomfortable [Bochy noises] made by Vladimir Putin and the International Olympic Committee as the rest of us pointed and laughed.
Even poor Bob Costas couldn’t escape Sochi’s unsanitary conditions, losing his courageous battle with Conjunctivitis. Costas was mercifully replaced on the air, but only after NBC terrorized the nation for several days with close-up shots of the diminutive broadcaster’s grotesque twin pink eyes.
RUN, BOCH, RUN! FLEE FROM THE MONSTROUS BEAST! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIFE!
Anyway, moving on…
One of the emerging stories of these Winter games has been the inability of familiar American heroes to live up to the hype. While household names like speed skater Shani Davis and downhill skier Bode Miller struggled to rekindle the magic from previous Olympics, Americans back home struggled to hold back [Bochy noises] of disappointment.
Even two-time gold medalist Shaun White couldn’t come through in the clutch, flopping and flailing around the half pipe like Hunter Pence in the on deck circle.
But it wasn’t all setbacks and blunders causing Bochy-like consternation. Some [Bochy noises] were emitted out of sheer terror.
Or sheer beauty…
This mascot may or may not have eaten these women.
And these Norwegian curling pants will haunt your soul for eternity.
Awwwww, Bochy looks so happy.
Look at that form! Every tassel in perfect alignment!
Well, that was fun. So many amazing moments! So many cringe-inducing [Bochy noises]!
Keep watching for more memorable Olympic [Bochy noises] in week two of the games and I’ll be back for another installment of Bochy in Sochi next week. Until then, I leave you with this image of NBC Olympic figure skating broadcaster — and Sochi fashion maven — Johnny Weir!