The Sharks are in the midst of some truly horrid hockey, and you know what that means: Jeremy Roenick — former-NHL star turned-hockey’s version of Skip Bayless — is at it again. It started Saturday night, when @maricrisxx threw his Twitter handle into a @fearthefin retweet.

fear the fin retweet

Given Roenick’s history with Marleau, you’d think he might take the high road and leave this one alone, but why bother? The most attention he’s received since hanging up his skates came from going after San Jose’s humble sniper.

roenick response 1Interestingly worded response by Roenick. Apparently Marleau is no longer allowed to play on the same line as Joe Thornton. Heck, Todd McLellan shouldn’t be allowed to match his best sniper with his best playmaker anymore for that matter! It’s erroneous, cheating and stat-padding, I tell ya!

Then it got weirder.

roenick responseI probably don’t need to explain what a flawed stat plus/minus is (or how flawed Roenick’s proof-reading abilities are), but his final point was, without a doubt, the strangest argument I’ve ever read.

After calling Marleau “gutless” in the 2010-11 playoffs, the Shark’s former linemate found a way to turn San Jose’s Western Conference Semi-Finals match up with the Detroit Red Wings into a storyline all his own. Roenick is definitely his own biggest fan, as well as a big advocate for getting as much attention as possible. Thanks to this undying desire for headlines, we found out how he really feels about Marleau. While his condemnations may have been better received with some facts or evidence, most Sharks fans understand his animosity. Marleau was the captain of the Sharks during the 2008-09 season, the same year the two shared a line, won the Presidents Trophy and got knocked out of the first round of the playoffs in embarrassing fashion by the Anaheim Ducks.

Was Marleau captain material? Probably not. But Roenick has certainly taken this one-sided feud to a weird place by presumably accusing Marleau of being too handsome now.

Patrick Marleau 1

I don’t know… you tell me. While he definitely pulls off a mean five o’clock shadow, his eyebrows are trumped only by Eric Koston’s. I won’t turn this into a post rating the top-five most dashing Sharks, but if I did, I certainly wouldn’t put Marleau on the top of the list. I can think of several Sharks who’d probably go higher — I know my fiance’s vote goes to Ryane Clowe.

I’m not a girl (or BASG watching the NFL Combine), so I’ve never really judged a hockey player’s worth based on looks. Maybe Roenick has. Maybe it’s what this beef is really all about.

Whatever the reason, the point is this: we’ve reached new, uncharted territory in our attempt to understand hockey. We’re all judging NHL stars based on their looks, and we have to be wary of this new analytical strategy. If we judge hockey players simply by facial features, we’ll overlook the abilities of NHL stars like Pavel Datsyuk. After all, looks can be deceiving, and Roenick certainly isn’t fooled by Marleau’s beautiful eyes.