Hey all you beautiful hot people. BASG asked me to write a little post on why Thanksgiving is so awesome. Since I’ve had such an amazing year and people love me so much, I thought I’d take this opportunity to let all you little people out there (Mrs. Bryant, I’m talking to you) know what I’m thankful for this year.
1. Kim’s Fat Ass
Without her big booty ass that made that sex tape I wouldn’t be here today and married to Lamar. So, thank you Kim, for boinking Ray J so that I could be famous too. And Ray J, I hope you find the love you’re looking for on VH1.
2. I could kick Kobe’s wife’s ass
But thanks to her stupid body guards I can’t! Just putting it out there Mrs. Bryant that if you want to talk shit to me you better watch out. And yes, I will get my courtside seats soon. Jack Nicholson’s just gonna have to deal (or die soon, he’s old right?). And I am so thankful for that.
3. Lamar and his new contract
Lamar came on to my radar a couple weeks after he signed his new $33 million contract with the Lakers. A month later, we were married. Now I get a new house, tons of cash (way more than Kim) and lots and lots of diamonds. And sorry Lamar, I know you want kids soon but I’ve only known you for 2 months. Not sure if I’m ready for that kind of commitment yet. Hahaha
4. Porn Stars
Without them, who would my brother date? I mean really, how more special can it be than having your brother bring his porn star girlfriend, who’s famous for “acting” in films as Sarah Palin, to your wedding? Ohhhh Putin!
5. Pau Gasol’s Hamstring
Such a delicate little Spaniard. And thanks to his delicate nature, my sweet Lamar got to start out the year and show the Lakers what they were paying for. Pau, maybe you should stick to doing more episodes of CSI and leave the tough basketball playing to my Lamar.
6. Dr. 90210
Without him, I’d still look like this. And being that Lamar still thinks that I’m actually Kim, I might be visiting him again soon for maintenance.
7. Ryan Seacrest
Without my little friend Ryan my whole family would still be only known for Kim’s sex tape. Now I’m known for being the amazing person that I am and the most successful Kardashian. I’m married, not fat and don’t have a sex tape. I’m also the good luck charm for the Lakers (suck it Mrs. Bryant!) and my honey Lamar. Oh and also, did I mention that Seacrest is going to be using the same voting hack on the NBA’s MVP title as they use on Idol? Lamar for MVP all the way! MVP! MVP! MVP!