Barry Zito

“Life of Brian” play-by-play…um, yeah

For reasons I’m still not yet sure of, I decided to watch Comcast Bay Area’s “Life of Brian,” the new reality show starring (and mostly filmed by) San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson. Still not quite sure what to make of Wilson, whether he’s refreshingly honest or perpetually kidding/lying. All I know for sure is Brian Wilson is pretty darn impressed with Brian Wilson. How impressed? You’ll soon see in this running diary.

That’s right. I watched, so you don’t have to. I’m like the Joel McHale of locally produced reality shows starring pitchers with mullhawks. Here we go:

0:01: Theme song: Standard guitar riffs, with different animated scenes starring a photo of Brian Wilson’s face. In the theme song he’s shown (in order) playing guitar in his living room, throwing a pitch at Mays Field and doing his trademark post-save arm gestures, sitting in a crowd watching himself ride a mechanical bull (very Scott Stapp-like, if you ask me), getting the obligatory tattoo on his arm, and finally driving a convertible with a girl in the backseat while he’s wearing a beanie along with a shirt and tie. The license plate on the car reads: THE BRIAN.

What, no shots of Wilson spraying cologne on his junk before a night of carousing in the Marina?

brian-wilson-house0:02: Opening day, 7:30 am. Wilson lives in a ridiculous location, somewhere in the hills overlooking what looks like a lake. “I’m thinking we’re gonna win, 6-3,” Wilson says. Close, the Giants ended up beating the Brewers 10-6. Remember that later.

0:03: Shots of Brian and his doo-rag-and-fedora-wearing “L.A. friend” driving across the Golden Gate on the way to AT&T.

0:03: Rain montage, followed by Wilson patronizing the grounds crew. “Doin’ a good job. Let’s get that FIELD goin’.” He’s obviously playing around, but his sarcasm is probably more often than not perceived as arrogant dickishness. Not sure Wilson understands how his annoyed cool guy act is portrayed by others.

0:03: Tim Lincecum walks by in the dugout past cameraman Wilson, and says, “ARE you videotaping me?” Wilson replies with, “Because it’s Opening Day.”

Note: Lincecum didn’t ask “why,” and he gave a look to Wilson that made the closer turn the camera away VERY quickly. That was a nice “I’m Tim Lincecum” moment right there. I doubt we’ll see Wilson interviewing Timmy anytime soon.

0:04: Fans coming to the game montage. This show seems to have a hard time filling up its 22 minutes of airtime.

0:05: Opening Day win montage, including Travis Ishikawa sliding into third and Wilson nailing down the win in the ninth. Not sure that sequence needed the end of Taylor Hicks’ national anthem, but Wilson is a big “American Idol” fan.

joe-martinez-giants0:05: Getting interviewed by Brian Wilson in the locker room after games makes Joe Martinez nervous.

0:07: “My metabolism, is like that of a field mouse,” Wilson says. Did you know he has an IQ of 180-plus? Because that was pure genius, right there. Somebody watches Animal Planet!

0:08: Wilson remembers the score from Opening Day as “10-5.” I guess if it isn’t a save situation, the score is kind of irrelevant.

0:09: I just figured out Wilson’s on-camera persona: baseball player plus Bam Margera. Probably only a few minutes now until Wilson scares his mom with an alligator and runs a Hummer into a tree. Maybe his penchant for sounding like Bam is why Wilson has a reality show with almost the same name as MTV sk8r/crybaby Ryan Sheckler.

0:10: Shocker: Wilson drives a Chevy Avalanche. The only other possible choice would have been a Toyota FJ Cruiser.

0:11: “Got some colognes here, because you can never have too many scents.”


0:12: Wilson apparently has a room for Zito in his house, or maybe it’s Zito’s house and Wilson gets to pretend it’s his. Another shocking revelation: this house is in the Marina. I’m confused. Are we in the Bay Area, or are we back at Wilson and Zito’s pad in L.A.? And if his place is in the Marina, why did he have to drive across the Golden Gate to get to the game?

Wait, I can’t understand how SGL knows the relationship status of every celebrity, and I’m worried about where Wilson lives? Let’s just fast forward through this set of commercials and forget I ever wrote about any of this.

0:17: Wilson talks to traveling secretary Michael “Kel” King in King’s office, where we find out that baseball players get meal money and use aliases at hotels. In other news, baseball teams use contraptions called “airplanes” to fly from city to city. (I’m starting to really wonder how there’s going to be enough material for several of these “Life of Brian” episodes…and by “several,” I mean “three.”)

brian-wilson-giants-life-of-brian0:18: Now we’re on a roadtrip, in Wilson’s hotel room. Exact words from Wilson himself, who I’m beginning to think has less perspective than a “Real Housewife”:

“I am REALLY, REALLY, really ridiculously hungry. Tengo hambre? En espanol? This guy (points to himself). Right here.

“11:45 right now, went to the hotel lobby, try to get me some food, and they said (in a mocking tone) ‘Oh, I’m sorry. We just closed the grill…five minutes ago!’

“Uh, I’m pretty sure the grill’s still warm. Why don’t you cook me something up, pal?

“‘No, we can’t do that.’


“So I went back upstairs. To my room. This is my room (points around the room…hilarious). Call room service. (Sigh) They say, ‘Hello, Mr. Wilson.’ I say, ‘Hello, room service…lady.’ I tell them what I want to eat, they say it will be about an hour.

“‘Uh, that’s not good enough. I don’t want food at one in the morning.’

‘Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Wilson, but we have a lot of hotel guests that are hungry right now.’

“‘OK, thank you, I’mnothungryanymore, bye.’ Click.

“I don’t want to wait an hour for food. I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m losing my voice. So maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up not hungry. Maybe I’ll reverse roles, like I go to bed hungry I’ll wake up not hungry. I’ll let you know in the morning. I’ll let you know. Anyways…good night. And we’ll talk later.”

Damnit Brian, you better let us know if you woke up not hungry!!! Did you take your $300/day per diem and find some way to fill your stomach? Did you find food that could be served to you within an hour? I can’t believe you had to deal with hotel room service that after midnight would have taken a WHOLE HOUR to get to your room. Don’t they know it’s late, and you need to go to sleep soon?

brian-wilson-documentary0:22: “My IQ is 188. End of discussion, it’s been proven: certified genius,” Wilson says.

I guess he has a point. Nobody remembered Albert Einstein for having a good sense of humor, either. I’m pissed, though. We never did find out if Wilson woke up “not hungry.”

0:23: “I’m also a ninja. Certified ninja.”

So I guess he was kidding about the 188 IQ? Actually, even worrying about this makes me wonder about what I’m doing with my own life.

0:24: The only thing more exciting than watching people play videogames in person: watching them play “Mississippi Queen” on Rock Band through your TV. Couldn’t Wilson at least get the lighting right? You can’t even see Wilson’s face while he’s strumming his little guitar, and I’m sure he’s got some sweet sneers going! What, did Comcast just give Wilson a video camera and say, “Have at it?” OK, don’t answer that.

0:25: Um, Brian, if you aren’t holding the microphone while playing Rock Band, it isn’t necessary to butcher Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So.” It makes it so much more enjoyable for the listener!!!

0:26: More Rock Band. You know what doesn’t sound good? Drumming on plastic.

And. . . we’re done.

I really want to like Brian Wilson. I really do. I was willing to forgive the hair, the Twitter and occasional blow-ups in the ninth inning, and I know this whole show was tongue in cheek. But dude, c’mon. Five minutes of Rock Band?

The apartment tour was tolerable, the interview with the traveling secretary was harmless, but no one wants to listen to a professional athlete bitch about room service. And not just bitch about room service, but pretty much brag about his snarky attitude with the hotel staff and a recap of how he hung up on the room service operator, just because he couldn’t get his food within 15 minutes.

Maybe this show’s just over my head; it’s not like I have a 188 IQ. Apparently when you’re that intelligent you don’t say anything legitimate about anything at all, but since you’re so smart nobody gets that you’re joking. What a burden B-Wil must bear. Hopefully the most intelligent multimedia star closer in the world can somehow figure out how to survive…The “Life of Brian.”

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