Andre Agassi

Lindsay Lohan should start playing tennis

I knew Andre Agassi was up to something. Crystal meth was a bit surprising, I saw Agassi as more of a testosterone and coke guy, but it’s still not shocking, considering Bjorn Borg, John McEnroe, Martina Hingis and probably countless others have railed up before playing Grand Slam matches. The older I get, the more I realize that a good percentage of elite tennis players have the same training habits as the 1986 New York Mets.

— Have we ever known as little about a set of assistant coaches as we do with Mike Singletary’s staff? I have no idea what to expect from Jimmy Raye at any time, Greg Manusky might as well be a high school head coach in Daly City, and none of the other assistant coaches even exist.

— What I’m saying is, I doubt you’d ever see a Niners assistant coach sitting in any meeting with his feet up on the table.

— Baron Davis either sucks or doesn’t give a shit. Neither one is a great option for the Clippers, who showed us once again that they are the team that’s cursed, not the Warriors.

— This is the first year ever where Phil Jackson didn’t look wildly different than he did at the end of the prior season.

— NBA Opening Night!!! NBA Opening Night!!! When I got home I saw the end of the Celtics’ win over the Cavs, thought I heard Kevin Garnett scored 33 points and kind of freaked out a little bit. Then I heard it was actually 13 points and heaved a sigh of relief. I don’t know if I could deal with the chest-thumping if KG went back to early-2000’s KG.

— Lakers recap: Kobe Bryant looks like he’s on a mission to prove he isn’t getting old (that seems to be the consensus “in-the-know” worry about his game lately, as if Kobe has spent every off-season since he was 18 building pyramids in Egypt); Ron Artest is making a concerted effort to be polite; Due to bored cameramen and TV producers, I’m going to have waaaaaayyyyy too many conversations with SGL about the Kardashians this season; Andrew Bynum looks really great except for the fact he suddenly can’t dunk; Sasha Vujacic cut his hair and it didn’t work; D.J. Mbenga still plays basketball the way I imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger plays basketball.

— For all us dudes who make fun of movies like Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties and Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, there is a genre of mantertainment (yeah, I made that up…I think) that’s just as bad, the “we’re older men and we don’t talk about our feelings, except to our 1-to-3 older male friends” genre, headlined by the newest pile of crap TNT is serving us, an hour long dramedy (I’m guessing) called Men of a Certain Age. That’s right, it’s Scott Bakula and Ray Romano, preparing for their starring roles 10 years later in The Bucket List 2!

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