Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps couldn’t wait to enjoy a super bowl

michael-phelps-keg-standSorry about taking so long to write since the Super Bowl ended; I just got back from a swimmers’ Super Bowl Party and I somehow got lost trying to find my way home. I never knew Power Bars could taste so good, though.

I loved seeing Raj Mathai giving us the news of the now-infamous Michael Phelps bong rip photo, relaying the news with the gravity not heard since I was watching MSNBC when Teddy Kennedy collapsed during that luncheon after Barack Obama’s inauguration. I understand with so much competition for viewers that everything needs to be a huge story or even more ridiculous, the best of all time, but it’s not like the guy was caught smoking crack a la Amy Winehouse. So everybody who loved that story about Phelps’ daily food consumption thought that was due solely to a rigorous pool regimen? Please.

I’m not going to go into a rant about cell phone cameras and the changing of our society due to such items, since worrying about new technology is akin to standing in the middle of the Colorado River and trying to stop it from flowing.

Here’s my question to Phelps: what are you doing at a frat party? You’re 23, you don’t attend college, and you were partying in South Carolina while Michigan’s your alma mater. Where’d you hang out before the Olympics, a high school prom in North Dakota?

Since the Super Bowl itself was a disjointed, often boring affair that was salvaged in a final quarter that featured about as much scoring as a Warriors/Knicks game, here’s an equally haphazard list of things we noticed over the last 24 hours (just without the “often boring” part).

–Speaking of drinks one might see at prom, SGL and my buddy’s wife learned a lesson yesterday: don’t ask a guy to buy you “girlie drinks” without specific instructions. My buddy Sean came to yesterday’s party with Coors Light (C-Minus, for those in the know) for the guys and two 4-packs of Bartles and James (one of them was Mimosa-flavored, which was as delicious as it sounds) and a bottle of something called “Frutezia” from  the folks at Wild Vines Vineyards, with a price tag reading $4.29 sitting prominently on top of the bottle. I would say the opposite equivalent of Sean’s purchase would be asking a girl to get you “manly drinks” and her coming back from the store with four 40’s of Steel Reserve and a bottle of Winner’s Cup gin.

–However, thanks to Sean for rooting somewhat actively for the Steelers. He was right, if all of us had been rooting for the Cardinals the experience would have been nowhere near as lively and the ending twice as depressing for those hoping against hope that Pittsburgh would avoid becoming the first six-time Super Bowl Champ.

–I still say the Titans would have killed the Steelers in the AFC Championship Game had they not thrown up all over themselves against Baltimore.

–In a game with several replay-reviews, it was pretty anticlimactic to see Ben Roethlisberger kneeling out the clock to win, especially after every football fan in the country mentally prepared for at least three minutes of review time on Kurt Warner’s “fumble.” I’m also not buying the NFL’s explanation that the play wasn’t reviewable. Refs absolutely love calling quarterback fumbles pass attempts, and the opportunity to see a “three flies up” style play to Larry Fitzgerald would have been too fun for words.

–Without seeing Adrian Wilson bowl over Pittsburgh’s holder, after hearing Al Michaels say “flag” I immediately said, “Personal foul, Arizona” before even seeng a replay. First time I’ve seen three personal fouls on one team on any single possession. Until the end of the game, Cardinals/Steelers sure had a Seahawks/Steelers smell to it, am I right?

–When I see things like James Harrison going ballistic on an opponent who’s already lying on the ground (which led to a personal foul call that ultimately became a 1-yard penalty since the Cardinals downed the Steelers’ punt on the 2 on that play), I’m glad the NFL has a great drug-testing policy. I’m guessing Harrison’s rise mirrors Shawn Merriman’s in more ways than one.

–What was better, Bruce Springsteen running crotch-first into the camera on that slide or when he climbed on top of the piano at the beginning of the set? I’d say the piano-climb, since he scrambled up there with the speed and grace of a 75-year-old grandmother taking a rock-climbing class at REI.

–The Cardinals rushed the ball 12 times, including three “1 rush, 0 yards” days apiece for Kurt Warner, Tim Hightower and J.J. Arrington. Edge carried 9 times for 33 yards. So the Steelers’ run defense was either better than I gave them credit for, or Todd Haley is the new Mike Martz.

–Pittsburgh’s pass defense? Overrated. Warner was one horrendous interception removed from having what would have been called the best ever performance in a Super Bowl by a quarterback.

–At least now, every time I think of Santonio Holmes it won’t JUST be about his NSFW shower pics. That is a good thing.

–Hey Budweiser, nobody really cares about the Clydesdales that much after Christmas. We know times are tough, but watching a couple horses run around with a cheap CGI-effect thrown in was definitely a little disappointing from the company that usually rules the Super Bowl’s commercial contest.

–That also goes for any company that thinks trotting a few monkeys on screen equals a great commercial.

–How come I never know about 3-D stuff until I’m watching a blurry commercial without the 3-D specs? Watching 3-D without the glasses always makes me feel like I need Lasik surgery.

–Yes, we ate all the Jell-O shots. It’s surprising how little effect they have when paired with 5,000 calories of food, especially if the shots are used as a beer replacement rather than supplement.

–I have to admit, I jumped up and ran around the room when Larry Fitzgerald caught that 64-yard touchdown to take the lead. Amazing that in the 1986 playoffs Jerry Rice started the game against the New York Giants with the exact same play, only he fumbled it through the end zone and the Giants went on to beat the Niners, 49-3. Wow, that was a depressing play.

–Right now I’m listening to Rudy Giuliani on a KNBR commercial telling me to go check out a leadership seminar in March at the Cow Palace featuring such luminaries as Rudy G., Colin Powell and…Michael Phelps! Time for the Cow Palace to smell like it did during Warriors games in the 1970’s!

–Next year GoDaddy.com might as well show Danica Patrick doing nude military presses. I love that Danica has bigger shoulders than Jeff Gordon, almost as much as I loved Sean’s reaction to my claim that she looks just like his younger sister (only with the shoulders of Dwight Howard).

–In the past two weeks I’ve noticed that both Pepsi and Guess Jeans have blatantly stolen the Obama “O” symbol. Kind of interesting since junior high was the last time I held either brand in any esteem. On a related note, thank God my parents never caved and bought me the Guess overalls I kept asking for in eighth grade. My mullet, along with all the neon-colored shirts I preferred in the early-1990’s, were reason enough to avoid all photo albums from that period without throwing stonewashed overalls into the mix.

–For all those who thought the MacGruber “Pepsuber” ad featuring Richard Dean Anderson was harmless yesterday, feel lucky you didn’t watch Saturday Night Live the night before. In the first half hour there were either four or five different MacGruber Pepsi spots, and it got REAL old — even with a very tired-looking MacGyver in every commercial.

–To be fair, the Pepsuber ads were still better than any part of the Michael Phelps-hosted episode of SNL. For some reason Phelps thought every part of the show was hilarious, though. Wonder why.

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