Bill Walsh

Mike Nolan sees dead people (Bill Walsh)

(As we enter the office of San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Nolan, we see him staring into his mirror. He’s wearing boxers and a white dress shirt, tying a red tie with gold and black stripes.)

Nolan: What am I gonna do? Andy Reid’s coming to town, and I only have one tie. I need a gold tie. It’s the only thing missing from my wardrobe. Must get more camera time…

(Click clack, click clack … Vernon Davis peeks his head into Nolan’s office)

VD: Coach, we need to talk.

Nolan: No time Vernon, I’m preparing the game plan.

VD: It looks like you’re messing with your ties again.

Nolan: Clothes make the man, Vernon. Why don’t you go do some film study with the offensive linemen? We’re going to need you big time on blitz protection this week.

VD: Coach, I know how to block already!!! I need the DAMN BALL!!!!!!!

Nolan: Calm down Vernon, there will be no yelling in my personal space. I … am a football coach. This is my coaching comfort zone. Mine. And remember, an emotional player makes mistakes. A good player is one who plays in a quiet and businesslike manner, just as a good coach dresses in a dapper and businesslike manner. (Nolan looks sideways into the mirror, starts nodding his head slowly, then turns and looks at Davis) Tell me something Vernon, do you own a gold tie? Preferably Amani, but I’d take a Ralph Lauren Purple Label if you had one on you.

(Suddenly a loud rumbling noise takes place, followed by a large gust of wind that knocks Rick Pitino’s book, Success is a Choice off Nolan’s desk. Then a ghost-like figure appears.)

Nolan: Coach Walsh, is that you?

Ghost of Walsh: Yes. I was actually busy teaching God the intricacies of the slant pattern, but your actions on Earth were too much for me to bear.

Nolan: I know, you don’t agree with the way Mike Martz runs an offense. Nobody runs an offense like you, blah blah blah…

GoW: No!!!!! Michael, you have lost your way. You’re worrying about what ties to wear while your prized defense couldn’t stop the 1987 Falcons. And what’s this I hear about players not able to play with emotion?

Nolan: Players who play with emotion, like Vernon here, are prone to mistakes. Football is about playing consistently, passionless, and hopefully winning 17-14 if we avoid any 15-yard personal fouls…Vernon.

VD: Coach Walsh, tell him … how would you handle a player like me?

GoW: Vernon my son, I would hire a coach who could teach you how to catch instead of making you block for two hours a day before spending the rest of practice in “film sessions,” which are actually just footage of Coach Nolan on the sideline mugging for the camera in his beloved suits. And Vernon, I would let you be yourself. Any receiver who doesn’t want the ball in this league is a worthless commodity.

Nolan: Coach, I respectfully disagree. Vernon, any more outbursts from you and you’re gonna go the way of Fred Beasley, Jamie Winborn and Brandon Moore.

VD: Oh no…

Nolan: That’s right, into the ol’ Nolan Doghouse! Woof woof Vernon! Woof woof!

GoW: Michael, I didn’t want to tell you this, but you’re going to be fired very soon.

Nolan: What? Who told you?

GoW: Who do you think, you cover-two loving moron? God!!! Well, God and Matt Maiocco. I never thought a reporter with the Press Democrat would be able to contact the dead, but he’s very persistent.

Nolan: But we’re making some good progress here! What can I do to stem the tide? I like being a head coach! (Nolan straightens his tie and looks in the mirror) Should I grow a goatee? Would that help?

GoW: No, Michael. First, leave the suits at home. All a good coach needs is a nice sweater with the name of the team on the front, with a pair of khaki slacks. Second, let the players play. Send Vernon deep every once in a while. Let the players celebrate after big plays, and stop being so petty with respect to the players. Third, stop getting so worried about emotional players. You should have drafted DeSean Jackson. I never let personalities get in the way of getting talent, which is why I signed Lawrence Phillips … OK, bad example.

Nolan: I just want to make sure the team is built in my image…

GoW: Then why is your defense softer than Bubba Paris’ greater omentum? Get a pass rush, dammit! All of our great teams were famous for passing the ball, but we also had Fred Dean, Dwaine Board and Charles Haley demanding double-teams and scaring opposing quarterbacks. Haley might have been crazy, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t care about Haley waving his gigantic member in the faces of Joe Montana and John Taylor or masturbating publicly, if that’s what got him ready to play. If you had Haley in his prime, you’d probably trade him to the Patriots for Tedy Bruschi and the rights to Junior Seau. No offense Michael, but you got to pull that stick out of your ass or you’ll be on the NFL Network with Mariucci by the bye week.

VD: Yeah Coach Walsh!!! I love dead people! Click clack! Click clack! Click clack!

GoW: Oh, and Vernon, stop saying that. God really doesn’t like it. He always says Under Armour is just cheap spandex masked by clever marketing, and that the phrase “we must protect this house” makes him want to smother all of America with a Category 5 hurricane. God’s a Nike guy.

VD: Man, I knew it!

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