Oakland Athletics

MLB announces #FaceofMLB winner, bans “N-word” at all ballparks

Eric Sogard

Oakland Athletics fans woke up to some disappointing news this morning, as a massive early-morning push from New York Mets fans led to a comeback win for David Wright in the #FaceofMLB contest.

They were also handed another bit of bad news, as commissioner Bud Selig announced that the “N-word,” a descriptor used in conjunction with utility infielder Eric Sogard’s campaign that arguably propelled him into the finals, would from this day forth be prohibited.

No longer allowed at MLB stadiums

No longer allowed at MLB stadiums

“As a member of the spectacles-wearing community, the word ‘nerd’ has no place in our great game. If umpires hear players using this word on the field or in the dugouts, they have been ordered to eject the offending player. If fans hear others using the N-word in the stands, they are instructed to text “BADJOCK” to a ballpark security with the foul-mouthed fan’s location. In addition, applying one’s hands to the face to mimic glasses will no longer be tolerated.”

Selig went on to say that while this new rule was designed to protect those who’ve also been called “geeks,” “bookish” or “dateless,” clothing commonly associated with those of the N-word persuasion won’t lead to special treatment.

“We’ve got an amazing array of team-licensed apparel at shop.mlb.com. Anyone arriving at one of our fine facilities wearing t-shirts featuring ironic statements, old video game characters or scenes depicting wolves howling in the wilderness won’t be given carte blanch to utter scholastic slurs,” Selig said.

The fallout from MLB’s decision to ban all use of the N-word could reach the college ranks. Stanford University’s athletic department could not be reached for comment, but sources say they’re looking at a ban on eyeglasses adorned with tape unless the student can provide a note from his or her optometrist.

As the NFL made news in recent weeks in the area of tolerance, with Michael Sam coming out as gay and a newly announced 15-yard penalty for using a different type of N-word, MLB reportedly felt pressure to follow suit with a societal statement of their own.

“This is my last great act as commissioner. Those who aren’t athletic by nature should feel comfortable watching sports,” said Selig. “But not too comfortable, you know what I mean?”

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