Bud Selig

MLB Monday: Donald “Eric Cartman” Fehr, good riddance

I don’t know who Michael Weiner is. I’ve never seen him, heard him speak and anyone reading this probably hasn’t either.

It doesn’t matter. Weiner is replacing Donald Fehr as the head of the Major League Baseball Players Association, and he can’t possibly be worse a worse media personality than Fehr.

That’s really what this is about when it comes to how fans feel about these guys, isn’t it? You can point to several missteps and awful public relations moments perpetrated by both Fehr and his adversary/partner-in-crime (depending on how you look at it), Bud Selig.

However, neither man would have an approval rating hovering around -36% (margin of error: 4%) if they weren’t unconscionably bad public speakers with a couple of the worst faces for television since Richard Nixon debated John F. Kennedy. Neither Fehr or Selig is disfigured, technically (although it could be said both left the game disfigured forever when the work stoppage in 1994 led to a season that began and never ended), but their facial expressions were consistently sour.

David Stern has presided over the shadiest gambling scandal since the 1919 Black Sox, with one of their officials thrown in prison and known to have had ties to organized crime syndicates, and yet Stern’s been allowed to preside happily over a league that has done absolutely nothing to increase the public’s confidence in their officials since.

A monkey could be NFL commissioner and keep the league profitable, maybe that’s why Roger Goodell has taken little heat in his tenure — even though he’s done nothing except toss out inconsistent suspensions like Lou Seal tosses t-shirts at Mays Field and work towards a Super Bowl in London of all places (try calling what the NFL plays “football” to any British person and see how far the conversation goes).

Oh, but Stern and Goodell are both great TV personalities, so they know what they’re doing. Hey, that’s the way it is these days. We all love listening to Stern, because he’s smart and it’s a guarantee he’ll get at least one dig in each time he speaks.

Goodell isn’t as fun, but he’s clear and concise when he speaks, compared to the whining we’ve come to expect from Fehr and Selig. And no homo, but Goodell’s also a tad more telegenic than the men whose faces people have compared to Janet Reno’s and Eric Cartman’s.

As a matter of fact, Fehr’s public persona was Cartmanesque as well. Can’t you imagine Fehr as a child, playing at his friend’s house while wearing his customary outfit (white button-down, knickers and suspenders), getting upset and yelling, “Screw you guys, I’m going home”?

It doesn’t matter if the players replaced Cartman with a guy whose name is actually pronounced like the, um, hot dog, or that he has admitted publicly that he’s a Yankee fan. Weiner couldn’t possibly be worse to watch or listen to than Fehr, and for that we will all celebrate.

Now if we could just replace Bud Selig with like, Alec Baldwin or somebody. That would be nice.

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