As the gate to my apartment building shut behind me I looked to my right. Next door there were three women, one of them peeing in the corner of the driveway.

As I hopped over the urine stream flowing down the sidewalk, my attention turned towards the noise I heard from the distance. Cheering, yelling and the honking of horns was a constant in my neighborhood yesterday, as the craziest road race in the country was in full swing just two blocks away.

Bay to Breakers puts two of San Francisco’s favorite pastimes together: fitness and drinking. I left the apartment around 10am to go on my regular run, knowing I wouldn’t need my Walkman and KNBR for entertainment this time. By this time all the serious runners (the ones who actually registered, for instance) had already long passed Golden Gate Park, so the emphasis was much more on the drinking.

Though I was one of the only ones on the street who wasn’t drinking (or stumbling slowly in the wrong direction), I didn’t appear to be the picture of sobriety one block into my run. While watching a group of people dressed as elves wheel a pony keg in my direction, my left foot slammed into a crack in the sidewalk and I went flying. Before I knew it I was sprawled out on the sidewalk, taking inventory. Am I hurt? Did anybody see that? No and no. On to the park!

At the park I realized I no longer needed to watch “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” which apparently starts with several shots of male genitalia. I saw more cock in my five-mile loop than the shower-fight scene in 50 Cent’s movie, “Get Rich or Die Trying.” The, um, highlight was the nude smurf whose entire body was painted blue. While in just 45 minutes I almost became desensitized to the sight of wrinkly butts and proud packages, I somehow saw no nudity from the fairer sex, besides a Wonder Woman with stars on her nipples (which I think we can all agree doesn’t totally count). I couldn’t tell if I was in the middle of a race, a huge party, or a country club steam room with all the middle-aged guys walking through the fog with nothing on besides running shoes and socks, which unfortunately were on their feet.

Other than the dong-fest, weaving through the drunken masses was a blast. Every half-mile there was a different (and surprisingly high quality) band playing. More than half the “racers” were holding cans of Budweiser and Tecate, or some sort of mixed beverage in a Gatorade or iced tea bottle. However, there was an overwhelming sense of peace in the crowds, even where fifths of vodka were being consumed in far greater quantities than the Crystal Geyser served at the aid stations. I was getting high-fives from guys dressed like cavemen, dodging snout-wearing girls dressed as “Desperate Housepigs” and wondering how the hell this whole mess was going to get cleaned up. Soon I couldn’t wait to turn around, get back to my place and shower up so I could join the festivities.

When I got back home, my block was lined with public urinators. Men and women, alone or in groups, all watering the neighborhood trees and garage doors. There were porta-potties all over the place, including about 20 in Alamo Square Park just half a block away, but these people seemed too far gone to even know what part of town they were in anymore, let alone find a legal area to relieve themselves.

After powering down water, coffee and the breakfast sandwich Sports Girl Liz made for me while I was on my sightseeing tour, I walked across Alamo Square to Greg and Susan’s Bay to Breakers/Game 7 party. Thank God for that sandwich, since yours truly learned how to play “Flip-cup” for the first time yesterday, and it wasn’t even 12:30 pm yet.

Great Game 7, But…

-Thank God the Celtics/Cavs game was close, because the Eastern Conference playoffs are like watching teams in the West play in quicksand. Does anybody else get the feeling that watching the Eastern squads play their brand of “whoever gets to 90 points first wins” basketball is like watching the 2004 presidential election? Sure it’s close, and everyone fighting for a very important prize, but it’s obvious that nobody involved will ever be considered great.

-Actually LeBron James is a great player toiling on a mediocre team, but he will be even better when he gets a sense of timing. With a couple minutes to go he was satisfied to let players like Delonte West and Zydrunas Ilgauskas shoot, even though what the Cavs needed was James to drive inside and force the Celtics to foul. When he finally decided to drive with under a minute to go, the Celtics could see it coming from a mile away and triple-teamed James, forcing him into an airball. LeBron’s a smart player, but when his mind fully catches up with his body is when he will be truly unstoppable. A teammate who can score would help too, to be fair.

-Do you think Danny Ainge received a postcard today reminding him that his Ray Allen is past due for a maintenance check? Maybe after a 30-point inspection Allen will finally get back to scoring close to 30 points in a game?

-I said this yesterday during the game, and I feel the same way now. I didn’t really care who won yesterday’s game, as long as that team beat Detroit in the conference finals. I imagine ABC agrees.

-One thing I wish ABC would work on but know they won’t: the length of these games. When a basketball game lasts more than three hours without going into overtime, it might be time to streamline things a little
bit.

-Does anybody else find it stupid that teams light fireworks in closed arenas before playing a game heavily based on cardiovascular fitness? The beginning of yesterday’s game looked like a Cypress Hill show.

-My favorite part of the game that wasn’t on television: my neighbor Karen kept looking out the window at the “girl” passed out on the Alamo Square lawn, finally deciding to go downstairs with SGL to bring her a bagel and some water. After they gave the partied-out person (who ended up being a guy, as I had predicted) the bagel, he took a bite before putting it under his head as a pillow. Bay to Breakers, everybody!

Related posts:

1. Bay to Breakers – R.I.P.
2. Bay to Breakers: B.Y.O. Thermos
3. B2B BLTs, bee costumes and B-Weezy
4. Sharks Lose, Bay Area Keeps Waiting
5. The 49ers should keep Kiffin in the Bay Area