Al Davis

NBA Tuesday: Oakland’s most dysfunctional team

They go big in Oakland. Whether you’re talking about sideshows or sports FAIL.

The Raiders would have dropped the hammer on Tom “At least I slapped her with an open hand” Cable already, except he’s taking the fall in an elaborate coverup of what really happened to Randy Hanson (Al Davis wacked him in the jaw with his cane for watching Monday Night Football with the sound on).

The Oakland A’s are a Minor League baseball team, only without the fun element.

And neither franchise is set to look as bad as the Warriors will over the next six months, thanks to Stephen Jackson, Don Nelson, Robert Rowell and Chris Mullin.

Stephen Jackson, because he’s due to have another public blowup any minute and actually hurts the team more when he plays due since he cares less than a junior high substitute teacher. Seriously, watching him heave flat-footed threes, call for the ball at halfcourt while covered by two people and argue incessantly with referees in lieu of getting back on defense is beyond maddening. If Stack Jack is Exhibit A that people don’t really change, the Lakers should be extremely worried about swapping Trevor Ariza for Jackson’s former tag-team partner, Ron Artest.

Don Nelson, because he keeps playing Stephen Jackson and the similarly toxic Corey Maggette as if they’re both on his fantasy team.

Robert Rowell, because he extended Jackson (I know, old news … but we’ve officially hit “worst-case-scenario” on that little gem of a move).

Chris Mullin, because he signed Maggette.

So the question for the rest of the season (the next few seasons, actually) becomes: can the Warriors trade Jackson to the Cavaliers, and can they get anything decent for him?

The Cavs are in biiiiggg trouble right now. Dumping Shaq was perhaps the best move Steve Kerr has ever made since not pressing charges on Michael Jordan after Jordan cracked him in the face, Cable-style. LeBron is already looking forward to next year, as David Aldridge said his body language is poor. The Cavs want the Warriors to trade for Big Z, then release him (a move otherwise known as “pulling a McDyess”).

My prediction stays the same: Jackson will have at least one good game in the next couple weeks, then have a massive meltdown on the road. We’re talking a 30-point loss followed by Jackson hurling a bar of Zest at Nellie in the lockerroom (don’t worry about the old coach — due to Jackson’s aiming skills, Nellie’s giant dome is safe). With the Cavs floundering, they’ll convince the Warriors to trade Stack and a couple second round picks for Delonte West and Daniel Gibson.

Sad thing is, even without Jackson this team is absolutely broken. As Mike Singletary would say, I’m going to put it like this:

– Ariza signed a contract with the Rockets that was considered slightly rich for his skillset but was still around half what the Warriors gave Maggette.

– The ONLY guy on the team who can pass as well as Kevin Garnett after two 40-ouncers is a rail-thin rookie who’ll be lucky to roll through his first season injury-free since Nellie’s going to play him 35 mpg.

– Anybody else worried that this is going to shape up to be an absolutely wasted year for Anthony Randolph, who is already showing selfish tendencies? If Randolph runs the floor and doesn’t get the ball, the next time he gets it he’s shooting … it’s like Bengie Molina after taking the first two pitches of an at-bat: the chances he’ll swing at the next pitch are 100%.

– The window before other teams realize Andris Biedrins’ game is flawed and the Warriors won’t be able to get anything for him in trade: one year or his next serious ankle injury, whichever comes first.

– This team is broken. It’s been broken for several years (although it was crazy-glued for a year or so when the Baron/Jack/Barnes/Pietrus/Harrington group caught lightning in a bottle), but nobody’s even gotten arrested. And that’s the last prediction: someone on the Warriors will be arrested this season for something extremely stupid. Could be Jackson openly smoking weed in JFK Airport, or a Nellie DUI, maybe Monta Ellis holding a sideshow in front of his house in Dublin.

Not sure what it’ll be, but I have a feeling something bad’s going to happen, and it’s going to be big. That’s the way they do things in Oaktown.

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