Oh, Sunday’s going to be awesome. For the first time this NFL season, no plans. No family, no brunches, no early dinners. Just me, the couch, the Niners, the Raiders and NFL RedZone. There’s something beautiful about waking up on a Sunday morning, making a huge pot of coffee and having an open Sunday ahead of me. It’s like an empty highway, only better — because I can go to the bathroom whenever I want.
I had a much better in Week 2 than Week 1, when my picks were about as effective as Joe Staley against DeMarcus Ware. In Week 1 I was 6-10 and could’ve just as easily gone 3-13. Last week I went 8-7-1 and could have easily gone 12-4. I’d say not to wager any money based on these picks, but that would be greatly underestimating the intelligence of my audience.
49ers @ Bengals (-1.5)
Here’s the thing about Jerome Simpson getting caught for receiving a shipment of about a kilo of weed from my hometown of Eureka, CA (oh, so proud): besides A.J. Green, he’s their only receiver! Jordan Shipley’s gone for the year. I don’t care how good Andy Dalton is, if the 49ers can’t hold the Bengals to under 250 yards passing, they’re doomed.
Jaguars @ Panthers (-3.5)
A quarterback named Cam versus a quarterback named Blaine. If you were wondering what football would be like in 2011 years ago, there’s your answer. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to look forward to the next time Madison Bumgarner starts for the Giants.
Lions (-3.5) @ Vikings
The Lions look pretty…pretty…pretty…pretty…pretty good.
Broncos @ Titans (-7.5)
Tim Tebow will start for the Broncos at some point. Until he does, I’ll pick against the Broncos.
Dolphins @ Browns (-1.5)
Rough opening schedule for the Dolphins. This is their chance to climb out of 0-2 hell.
Giants @ Eagles (-9.5)
The Giants’ mission: sack Michael Vick. I don’t see it happening.
Texans @ Saints (-4)
Here’s the game I expect to see on RedZone all morning long.
Patriots (-8) @ Bills
Chargers @ Chiefs (-16)
The Chargers seem like one of those teams that’ll play to the level of their opponents all season. And 16 points is a lot. But if the Chiefs lose this one by more than 16, I’m picking against them all season.
Ravens (-4) @ Rams
It’s much harder to win in Tennessee than in St. Louis.
Jets (-3) @ Raiders
The Jets are about to fall into a trap, and the Coliseum is going to be LOUD.
Falcons @ Buccaneers (PK)
This prediction is mostly a statement on so many national writers picking the Falcons to go to the Super Bowl.
Cardinals (-3.5) @ Seahawks
Yeah the Seahawks are bad, but the Cardinals aren’t exactly the ’94 49ers.
Packers (-3.5) @ Bears
I don’t know that the Packers are exactly a dynasty yet, and these teams battled last year. Did I say I was glad to be home all day on Sunday?
Steelers (-11.5) @ Colts
Redskins @ Cowboys (-4.5)
Tony Romo will have an entire laboratory flowing through his body to make him forget about his punctured lung.
Last week: 8-7-1