Congratulations David Whitley, you’re our Hack National Columnist of the Week for your asinine, more-than-slightly-racist piece on Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos!

I feel bad sometimes when we shine the light on trash that should never generate traffic (and $$$) for websites who choose to run this kind of verbal filth, but maybe we can contribute to the end of Whitley’s career. The world needs ditch diggers too, as Judge Smails once said. Check this out:

San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys in San Quentin happy.

Approximately 98.7 percent of the inmates at California’s state prison have tattoos. I don’t know that as fact, but I’ve watched enough “Lockup” to know it’s close to accurate.

I’m also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have tattoos. There’s a reason for that.

NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don’t want your CEO to look like he just got paroled.

Let’s all point and laugh at the blatantly wrong “1.3 percent” line, which Whitley helps debunk in his own article by mentioning five quarterbacks with tattoos (including Alex Smith). Let’s see, 32 teams multiplied by three quarterbacks per team is 96. Five divided by 96 equals 5.2% of NFL QBs. So he’s not just a troll with highly questionable judgment, he’s also a terrible mathematician.

He isn’t fooling us with this paragraph, either:

Did Sammy Baugh, Johnny Unitas, Doug Williams or Joe Montana have arms covered in ink? Do Tom Brady, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers? The world will end when Tim Tebow shows up a tattoo parlor.

He mentioned Williams! Nothing to see here!

It’s not just a white thing, I hope. When the Panthers interviewed Cam Newton, owner Jerry Richardson popped the question.

“Do you have any tattoos?” he asked.

“No, sir,” Newton said. “I don’t have any.”

“We want to keep it that way,” Richardson said.

If you have to hope “it’s not just a white thing,” it’s probably “a white thing.” But hey, there’s a tradition of white owners telling young black men what they can and cannot do in that part of the country, so who are we to judge Richardson’s motives?

I don’t have any tattoos, nor am I interested in getting one. That’s because there’s no symbol, word or picture I can think of that I’d want to keep on my body my entire life, not because I’m afraid of looking a San Quentin prisoner, as Whitley might put it.

Then again, Whitley also came out against same-sex kisses on scoreboards at sporting events. Why?

I suppose at this point I should say that some of my best friends and relatives are gay. All the usual disclaimers sound empty to some activists.

To them, the old Shield-the-Kids excuse simply masks an underlying bias. A same-sex smooch is no different than if Nicholson had planted a wet one on Dyan Cannon. If “Kiss Cam” showed an interracial couple, would you quickly cover Little Johnny’s eyes?

No.

The sooner my kids see examples of racial harmony, the better. But this issue has torn up entire religions. Call me homophobic, but I just don’t think a 5- or 10-year-old brain is ready to tackle those complexities.

“Some of my best friends and relatives are gay.”

“It’s not just a white thing, I hope.”

It’s like Whitley knows he’s an intolerant redneck, but can’t help himself. Hopefully the outrage over this column about Kaepernick will help usher him toward a new line of work. I’m willing to pay for his shovel.

***

New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Falcons
East Bay Sports Guy: Saints
Bay Area Stats Guy: Saints
Ruthless Sports Guy: Saints
Bay Area Duck Guy: Falcons

Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Bears
East Bay Sports Guy: Seahawks
Bay Area Stats Guy: Bears
Ruthless Sports Guy: Bears
Bay Area Duck Guy: Bears

Houston Texans (-7) @ Tennessee Titans
Bay Area Sports Guy: Titans
East Bay Sports Guy: Titans
Bay Area Stats Guy: Texans
Ruthless Sports Guy: Titans
Bay Area Duck Guy: Texans

New England Patriots (-9) @ Miami Dolphins
Bay Area Sports Guy: Dolphins
East Bay Sports Guy: Dolphins
Bay Area Stats Guy: Patriots
Ruthless Sports Guy: Patriots
Bay Area Duck Guy: Dolphins

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Buffalo Bills (-7)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Jaguars
East Bay Sports Guy: Bills
Bay Area Stats Guy: Bills
Ruthless Sports Guy: Jaguars
Bay Area Duck Guy: Jaguars

Indianapolis Colts @ Detroit Lions (-5)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Colts
East Bay Sports Guy: Lions
Bay Area Stats Guy: Lions
Ruthless Sports Guy: Colts
Bay Area Duck Guy: Colts

Carolina Panthers (-3) @ Kansas City Chiefs
Bay Area Sports Guy: Panthers
East Bay Sports Guy: Panthers
Bay Area Stats Guy: Panthers
Ruthless Sports Guy: Panthers
Bay Area Duck Guy: Panthers

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Jets (-4.5)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Jets
East Bay Sports Guy: Cardinals
Bay Area Stats Guy: Jets
Ruthless Sports Guy: Jets
Bay Area Duck Guy: Cardinals

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Ravens
East Bay Sports Guy: Ravens
Bay Area Stats Guy:  Ravens
Ruthless Sports Guy: Ravens
Bay Area Duck Guy: Ravens 

Cincinnati Bengals @ San Diego Chargers (PK)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Bengals
East Bay Sports Guy: Chargers
Bay Area Stats Guy: Chargers
Ruthless Sports Guy: Bengals
Bay Area Duck Guy: Chargers

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-8)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Packers
East Bay Sports Guy: Packers
Bay Area Stats Guy: Packers
Ruthless Sports Guy: Vikings
Bay Area Duck Guy: Packers

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-11)
Bay Area Sports Guy: Eagles
East Bay Sports Guy: Cowboys
Bay Area Stats Guy: Eagles
Ruthless Sports Guy: Eagles
Bay Area Duck Guy: Cowboys

New York Giants (-2) @ Washington Redskins
Bay Area Sports Guy: Giants
East Bay Sports Guy: Giants
Bay Area Stats Guy: Giants
Ruthless Sports Guy: Giants
Bay Area Duck Guy: Giants

***

Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders (-1.5)

Bay Area Sports Guy: Part of me wants to celebrate the Raiders parting ways with Rolando McClain by picking them here in a game we won’t watch anyway (it’s blacked out locally), but nah. Pick: Browns

East Bay Sports Guy: I think the Raiders are primed for a win. It’s not that I believe they’ll be coached to win; rather, it’s that the odds are in their favor. Since 2002, teams are 36-17 after back-to-back losses by 21 points or more.  I mean, the Raiders aren’t so devoid of talent that they won’t compete for the rest of the season, are they? Pick: Raiders

Bay Area Stats Guy: Man what a bad matchup. I guess I will take the Points and go with the Browns. The model likes then to win this one outright by a field goal so the extra point and a half is gravy. Pick: Browns

Ruthless Sports Guy: Remember last week when I said that at some point I’d stop picking the Raiders? Finally, some point is now. Pick: Browns

Bay Area Duck Guy: I have lost all confidence in the Raiders and at the same time the Browns are coming off a win over a depleted Steelers team. Who knows which Cleveland team will show up Sunday, but Trent Richardson will run wild on the Raiders and the Oakland offense won’t be much better. Pick: Browns

***

San Francisco 49ers (-8) @ St. Louis Rams

Bay Area Sports Guy: It’s a statement game for the team and Jim Harbaugh after the head coach finally (in his own way) announced Kaepernick would start the rest of the way. The tie a few weeks ago was weird and annoying, and should lead to the 49ers not overlooking St. Louis this time around. One thing that makes me a little worried about this pick: the 49ers pattern this year of win-win-loss-win-win-loss-win-win-tie-win-win… Pick: 49ers

East Bay Sports Guy: I think the 49ers will win, but I don’t think it’ll be by more than a touchdown. Because they’ve already faced Colin Kaepernick, I think the Rams will have a slight advantage on defense. That combined with the fact that small, quick receivers like Danny Amendola have dominated the 49ers secondary in recent history (Think: Cruz, Victor; Harvin, Percy) means the 49ers will be forced to play a close one.  Pick: Rams

Bay Area Stats Guy: 8 points on the road is really hard to take especially after these two teams just played and tied. My model has the 49ers winning by an average margin of 5 points with the most common difference being 7 points. I almost overruled this one but in the end trusted the model. Pick: Rams

Ruthless Sports Guy: If you haven’t noticed yet, I like to take home underdogs. I’ve been doing it all season, and it’s been pretty successful for the most part. I won’t do that in this case though, because Jim Harbaugh has a new toy to play with and I get the feeling he’s going to show it off. 49ers smother the Rams. Pick: 49ers

Bay Area Duck Guy: Team Kap is 2-0 and there’s no reason San Francisco won’t continue the winning trend with the new quarterback. Kaepernick demonstrated maturity and big play ability in a very tough New Orleans stadium last week, and it’s clear what he can do for the 49ers on offense. Even with the team being a bit banged up, the running game shouldn’t have a problem against the Rams, and the 49er defense should have no trouble defending Sam Bradford and company. Pick: 49ers

***

GAME OF THE WEEK:
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Denver Broncos (-8)

Bay Area Sports Guy: The Broncos aren’t a juggernaut just yet, as they showed last week in a surprisingly difficult win over the hapless Chiefs. This game is at Mile High instead of Arrowhead, but Tampa Bay is feisty enough to keep this game close. Pick: Buccaneers

East Bay Sports Guy: This season, the Denver offense is potent. They’re third in the league in points scored per game, fourth in total yardage, sixth in first downs per game, and, well, you get the point. Their defense has been almost equally as dominant. They rank fourth in total yards allowed per game and eight in total points allowed. The scary thing is they’re getting better. In the last three games, Denver’s defense ranks in the top-three in most major defensive categories. All of this means one thing: Tampa Bay doesn’t have a prayer. Pick: Broncos

Bay Area Stats Guy: The model says that the Broncos will win by 10 points but again I sure don’t feel comfortable about it and almost overruled it. The Buccaneers have been playing pretty well lately and even on the road it is hard to bet against them with a spread that large. Pick: Broncos

Ruthless Sports Guy: I know that Tampa Bay’s pass defense is absolutely awful, but this line is way too big for two teams that are pretty competitive. I’ve been impressed by the revitalized football the Buccaneers are playing under Greg Schiano. I don’t know if the Bucs will win, but they should cover that number pretty easily. Pick: Buccaneers

Bay Area Duck Guy: Don’t ask me why, but I feel like the Broncos are destined to have a down week. The Bucs are coming off a very close home loss to the Falcons, so they’ve got a bitter taste in their mouth. But the Tampa Bay secondary is giving up 315.5 passing yards per game, so I can’t imagine Peyton Manning not lighting up the Bucs’ defense. If this turns into a shootout, the Broncos can still beat this spread. Pick: Broncos