Roger Clemens

Nonissues becoming an issue

It’s not like this is a new trend, but all I could think about today were the stories people are getting worked up over that just don’t matter.

Like Kelly Tilghman for instance, the Golf Channel anchor who recently joked on air that young golfers should deal with Tiger Woods by “Lynch(ing) him in a back alley.” Tiger Woods has already made it clear that he doesn’t care one lick about Tilghman’s comment. For one thing, the two know each other and are friends, not to mention that Tilghman made her comment with a laugh, obviously meaning no harm.

That wasn’t enough for Al Sharpton of course, who is now on a crusade to get Tilghman fired from the Golf Channel. I imagine that Sharpton is boycotting the Golf Channel now, which is probably quite difficult for the reverend from a personal standpoint since it’s his favorite network. He’ll probably have to reprogram his Tivo.

Is it so hard for people to forget about an incident that only affects people indirectly, if at all? Tilghman definitely chose her words unwisely, but she wasn’t even using the word “lynch” in a racial context.

Romo Meets the Parents
Then there’s Tony Romo, who committed the unpardonable sin of going to Mexico with a buxom blonde during a bye week. The Cowboys were all off during that time, and I would imagine that while several members of the team probably went home to rest, many surely went on vacation just like Romo. Actually, some of the Cowboys went WITH Romo.

With Simpson steering clear of Sunday’s playoff game against the Giants to supposedly work on her new album (doesn’t her dad need to write the lyrics first?), Romo should be in the clear, on game day at least.

The only question Romo should be answering isn’t why he went with Jessica to Mexico, but why were her parents there? How long has this relationship gone on that he not only has met the parents, but shared Coronas and tacos with them in another country? Didn’t Nick Lachey also have to go on vacation with Joe Simpson and co. when he was on “The Newlyweds?” And they were married! What is it with Jessica’s parents that allows them to tag along on international getaways? Don’t most people stop going on family trips with their parents when they’re, I don’t know, 22?

And how weird is Jessica’s father that he wants to be a part of a very public celebrity fling featuring his daughter? I wonder if he ever stopped by Tony and Jessica’s private bungalow after dark:

Joe Simpson (knock knock): Hey kids, we’re about to play some Taboo, wanna come out here?

Jessica Simpson: Dad, come back later!

Joe Simpson: Come on, we have pineapple Jarritos, and I’m wearing a sombrero.

Tony Romo (whispering): I kinda like Jarritos, but your pops won’t leave us alone. When are we gonna, you know…?

Jessica Simpson: My Daddy doesn’t want me to get exploited that’s all, that’s why he produced me and Nick’s show.

Tony Romo: Baby, I would never exploit you, I just want to get to know you better. Say, I’m not paying for your parents’ room, am I?

Jessica Simpson: Technically yes, I told Daddy they could stay in here.

Tony Romo: So your Dad called an audible at the line of scrimmage, huh? Great.

Jessica Simpson: Ew, that’s gross Tony, Daddy doesn’t have a line of scrimmage!

Mr. Clemens Goes to Washington?
The last nonissue that has earned far too much scrutiny is the congressional hearings regarding steroids, and whether or not Roger Clemens will be there.

Obviously Congress should have more to worry about than what ball-playing millionaires are ingesting via their glutes, so I won’t even go there. I just want to know what people think will happen if the Rocket goes to Capitol Hill.

Do they think he will sing like Jason Giambi? Not likely given how public the last hearing was (I know, I know, you don’t want to talk about the past). Clemens will deny all steroid use like he has for the last week, minus the fingerpointing demonstrated by Raffy Palmeiro during his performance in front of Orrin Hatch and friends a few years ago (and that’s if Clemens even has to go to Congress, which I still think is unlikely considering the defamation lawsuit he just filed against former trainer Brian McNamee).

But the biggest question is: what will the hearings accomplish? Unless Congress is looking to create an outside body that tests all American professional athletes, all a hearing will do is waste time and money and allow some lawmakers to grandstand for a few days, while newer, better and undetectable steroids are being created in labs as they speak.

I am glad that Clemens is finally facing the same scrutiny that Barry Bonds has had to face for years when they are both probably equally guilty, but if they want to bring Clemens in just to listen to him read prepared statements written by his lawyers, what’s the point?

I guess people like to get worked up just to get worked up. Not me, I’m too busy dealing with important problems, like why my buddy Sean keeps proposing horrible two-for-one deals to everybody in fantasy basketball.

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