Some dos and don’ts for Raiders when they add Marshawn Lynch

It’s a genius move, really. If the Oakland diehards are so angry that they’ll consider turning their backs on their beloved Raiders, play the sentimentality card. Sign a guy who IS Oakland, through and through.

Picture Damian Lillard coming back home and playing for the Warriors in 10 years, only the Raiders signing Marshawn Lynch would be far superior because Lillard kind of hates the Warriors, who’ll be the rich juggernaut team in San Francisco by then anyway. In this case, Lynch appears to be performing his greatest act of “town business” as he looks to make the last chapter of the Raiders’ story in Oakland less toxic.

Lynch also wants to get paid and get a chance to run through holes created by a far better offensive line than the one he had in Seattle. Not that either incentive is a bad thing. The NFL sees its athletes as assets to be used and discarded, so players should relish every opportunity to profit off of a team’s need. And the Raiders NEED Lynch. However, there are some dos and don’ts they should keep in mind if/when Lynch plays in Oakland.

Don’t expect too much actual football production.

Remember, Raiders — this is a ploy to make Oakland fans not hate you, not to add the finishing piece to a championship contender. Adding defensive talent should probably be your top priority anyway, but it’s probably foolish to sign a 31-year-old running back who really likes Hennessy, just took a year off, and averaged 3.8 yards per carry in his last season, to do much more than bring some excitement to the Black Hole and teach two promising running backs (Jalen Richard and DeAndre Washington) how to have long, successful NFL careers.

Do use him at the goal-line.

He enjoys running “through a motherfucker face,” so let him. Learn from Pete Carroll and Darrell Bevell. Don’t overthink things when you’re a yard out. Fades to Michael Crabtree worked more often than one would expect last season, but that shouldn’t be your go-to play. Just trust 49ers fans on this one.

Do give Skittles to fans as they enter the Coliseum.

You just raised their ticket prices by like 40% on average, so you pretty much owe the people a bag of Lynch’s favorite candy after they make their way through security before every game.

Don’t ask Skittles to make Silver and Black Skittles

Black would have to be licorice, and black licorice is abhorrent. I’m sorry to anyone over the age of 65 who’s reading this, but it’s the only candy that makes a room smell bad. And I don’t even want to know what flavor silver might be. Sardine? It would probably have to be licorice as well, and that’s entirely too much licorice. Black and silver M&Ms are a possibility I guess, but then you run the risk of upsetting Lynch and this experiment could end badly.

Don’t be satisfied with Lynch when you’re on the phone with John Schneider. 

The Seahawks are making Richard Sherman VERY available. As long as you have to work out some sort of compensation to get Seattle to relinquish their rights to Lynch, why not boost your secondary as a result? Could you imagine Sherman and Crabtree on the same team? Hard Knocks: Oakland Raiders would be 1000x better than the one they did about the Rams.

(Before the well actually comments start pouring in, I’m aware the Raiders aren’t eligible to be on the show because they made the playoffs last season. Don’t care.)

Do make a necessary purchase.

And that would be a tricked out Raiders golf cart. If Lynch becomes a Raider and doesn’t reenact this scene in the Coliseum before every game, I’m going to be LIVID.


Don’t forget a Raiders edition of this classic, too. Again, it’s the least you can do.


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