Pat Burrell on the brain

Pat Burrell officially announced his retirement today, which led to shock throughout a baseball world that was pretty sure Burrell announced his retirement a while ago. Perhaps that’s how we’ll deal with February — the worst sports month of the year — looming around the corner. We’ll just recycle stories we already know under the guise of “official announcements.”

In other words, expect Barry Bonds to officially retire tomorrow, with Roger Clemens announcing his exit from the grand ol’ game on Wednesday.

Yesterday I went to a small gathering of Giants bloggers hosted by Wendy Thurm, who writes for Baseball Nation and Fangraphs. Wendy had Game 4 of the 2010 NLCS playing in her living room, and after Burrell caught a fly ball at the warning track the conversation turned to — what else? — “Pat the Bat” stories.

Was it a coincidence that Burrell dominated the conversation the day before officially announcing his retirement? Who knows…

I can’t post the most entertaining tale here, because the blogger who told the story probably wouldn’t want me to divulge the information he shared. Let’s just say it involved an inebriatedĀ Burrell turning on the charm for a woman old enough to be his mother.

That’s the kind of shameless man-whore you can respect: a Lothario who doesn’t see age … only curves.

Burrell’s unique. By most accounts he was pretty surly with the media, and he was effectively a slugging version of Larry Dallas from Three’s Company. However, fans love the guys. As a result, heĀ gets away with the kind of behavior that would bury most other athletes. How?

1. He hit 292 home runs, finished with a career OBP of .361 and walks away with two World Series rings. Pretty solid.

2. He’s handsome. In fact, my youngest sister mentioned Burrell’s attractiveness and her desire to meet him at a bar in the Marina during the middle of the 2011 season … and it’s a moment that still haunts me to this very day. Burrell isn’t for everyone. But even with all the stories and rumors that follow Burrell, he still has many “fans” who’d like to experience their own “Pat the Bat” story. This wouldn’t be the case if he looked like Julian Tavarez.

3. He’s unapologetically skeezy. If Tiger Woods didn’t spend all those years pretending to be some great family man, nobody would’ve cared about Rachel Uchitel and Waffle Hut waitresses. In fact, Tiger’s promiscuity would be celebrated in some quarters. Burrell’s the anti-Tebow, so he gets to do whatever he wants. STD jokes are nothing more than harmless footnotes to a legendary career on and off the field.

Pat Burrell links: a tribute

Pat Burrell and Aubrey Huff: Videos I shot in the clubhouse after the last game of the 2011 season captured an emotional Burrell and Huff. I thought Burrell might try to come back in 2012 … until I saw both guys get teary-eyed on Sept. 28, 2011.

Pat Burrell Is Retiring, But “The Machine” Just Might Live On: If you want to read dirty Burrell stories, these Deadspin links have you covered.

Pat Burrell Says Hello!: PARTY AT ZITO’S!!!

The First Iconic Pat Burrell Picture: Burrell probably has a huge copy of this displayed somewhere in his house. Like his bedroom ceiling.

Pat Burrell: The Most Average First-Overall Pick In Baseball History: Burrell isn’t a Hall-of-Famer, but he wasn’t a bust either.

Pat Burrell Retirement Link Dump: McCovey Chronicles summarizes Burrell’s career and retirement pretty well with this list (and not just because Grant linked to one of my videos).

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Bay Area Sports Guy

BASG (Steve Berman) and his wife started Bay Area Sports Guy in 2008, and now it's the No. 1 independent website covering Bay Area sports. You can follow him @BASportsGuy and on Facebook.

6 comments
Stan
Stan

Good luck to Pat the drunk. He can pound all the beer he wants now..no more hangover at bats on the Giants dime.

FL
FL

Good article. I am an unabashed Pat Burrell fan. He helped the Giants so much during the 2010 season; I loved each and every one of his 18 homers. I also loved all the salacious stories about him as well. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe it was all those home runs or maybe it's just that he seems like such a nice guy that you can't help but like him, naughty or nice.

adrian reynolds
adrian reynolds

Valtrex and margarita money locked and loaded, Pat the Bat is hitting Chestnut St.!

1/2 Jewlia
1/2 Jewlia

That party at Zito's link is kinda horrifying.

1/2 Jewlia
1/2 Jewlia

I said I would get a burrito with him and then turn down his advances. :p

Sean
Sean

One of my friends refers to Pat Burrell as Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast". He is truly a man-whore, but a legend nonetheless. I am hoping he will stay within the Giants organization as a bench coach or something. And by bench coach, I mean brawl instigator. I'll always miss his uncanny ability to swear at the umpire after a swinging third strike, as if to say it was the ump's fault. Love that guy.