Hey, the Raiders suck!

The whole game could be summarized by two failed fourth down conversions where (1) Carson Palmer got stepped on by his own lineman and fell down, and (2) Palmer got sacked by Cooper Carlisle as he got pushed around by the Ravens’ defensive line.

Heh, but who could forget the half-dozen times Palmer couldn’t get a pass beyond the line of scrimmage because (pick a Ravens lineman) kept batting the ball down?

Pure impotence in every facet of the game.

I hate the Ravens. To my core. I hoped the Raiders would win for more reasons than “they can make the playoffs in this bunk-ass division” and “it beats losing even if playoff chances are slim.”

The Patron Saint of Fat Punks is Tony Siragusa. He was wearing an oversized Ravens jersey when he decided to wreck Rich Gannon’s non-throwing shoulder with a totally premeditated bodyslam move that affected his ability to finish a playoff game effectively.

Seeing Siragusa on TV is very difficult for me, and I can safely say I hate him. It is hard for me to speak without cursing when he comes on the television, hence the kiddie-safe euphemism “Fat Punk.” His public transformation from overweight psychopath who should’ve been arrested for what he did to Rich Gannon, to jolly old Uncle Tony, is a total joke.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised when that smug jerk John Harbaugh decided to run a fake field goal play while his team was up by three touchdowns in the third quarter.

Again, to reiterate, I hate the Ravens. There will come a day when the Raiders will exact punishment on the Ravens. But it wasn’t Sunday.

I don’t have much else to say about the Raiders right now that isn’t depressing. The glass is offiicially broken.

1. It was fun seeing Marcel Reece play tailback until I realized it was a different face in the same old sucky role.

2. Nobody felt like putting themselves out to catch any ball thrown by Palmer. I stopped watching when Matt Leinart came into the game. I mean it was on, but I noticed the obnoxious Prilosec commercials more than the gratuitous cutaways to the actual Raven that serves as the team’s mascot.

3. But nothing beat THIS cutaway. My sentiments exactly. That’s how I feel about this city at halftime, let alone the end of the game. BASG said that it looked like a shirt you’d see on The Wire, which I’ve never seen a single episode of, but am looking forward to watching.

Hell. Let’s talk about TV instead of the Raiders. If you didn’t watch the game, I’m happy for you. But there are other interesting things to watch on the television.

Elias Koteas is everywhere

I have this feeling that when an actor is on hard times, maybe the syndication Gods take a little pity on them and run a bunch of their stuff.

Apparently, Elias Koteas has been in everything. Over this weekend, I’ve saw him in a rerun of House where he played a man named Moriarity (a nod to the show’s inspiration, Sherlock Holmes) who shot the Vicodin addicted doctor. But Saturday turned out to be “Back to Back Elias Koteas” night! First I saw him on the HD movie channel in the Arnold Schwarzenegger stinker Collateral Damage, and in the very next time slot on MGM HD, I saw him in Desperate Hours, starring Anthony Hopkins and a pre-surgery Mickey Rourke. Bizzare. Also in that film? This guy on the left, who played Detective Tritter, another guy who tried to destroy House in the same season as Moriarity tried to shoot him!!

Elias is everywhere. What does it all mean?

On the subject of House, and the recycling of the Sherlock Holmes character,  Johnny Lee Miller is pretty fun to watch on Elementary. It’s CBS’s take on Holmes, with Miller playing a British Holmes in New York, with Watson being played by Lucy Liu as Holmes’ sober living companion.

If you liked House, Elementary seems like a less maudlin version of it, and Lucy Liu is way hotter than I ever remember her being in Charlie’s Angels.

Sunday nights are not for lamenting the latest mediocre Raiders performance in my house. Sunday nights are for getting slightly tossed and watching Homeland on Showtime.

Unfortunately, my ability to enjoy the show may have been permanently altered by an excellent parody of it on Saturday Night Live last night.

Anne Hathaway hosted the show and was very funny. She skewered Claire Danes’ bipolar CIA operative Carrie so effectively, that I may not be able to stop myself from laughing at her predictable breakdowns and facial tics, which I usually interpret as “emotionally charged.”

They also nailed the fact that POW turned Congressman Brody never opens his mouth when he speaks. His mouth actually resembles a sphincter occasionally. We have had to rewind the DVR and turn up the volume to make out what he was saying before.

What was dramatic is now funny. Much like the Raiders season. Going forward, the only way I will be able to enjoy Raider Football and Homeland is to laugh at the silly stuff and enjoy the high points, because the Raiders do interesting things on occasion and Homeland has some great storylines — even if burdened with “strong” character choices at times.

The Raiders are like a friend who has decided to start drinking again after a long period of sobriety. You know it’s probably going to end badly, you’ll act like you don’t care, but you will still continue to watch from a physical or emotional distance and feel nauseated by it because humans are naturally self-destructive.

I will also choose to utilize another human quality right now; self-delusion.

My Raiders franchise just completed an undefeated, Super Bowl winning season in last year’s Madden. Ha! Yes. I am happy about this. It only took me about four hours (I supersim on defense), and five or six resets to avoid sure losses.

Yes, we’ve gone off the rails, my friends. Please offer any comment, confession, complaint, or curse below … unless your name is Stan, in which case, I implore you to remain somewhat politically correct, and I encourage you to confess to something you are ashamed of. I mean REALLY ashamed of. I’ll do it if you will.