Alex Rodriguez

Rick Reilly’s eyes have magical drug testing powers

I can’t stand Rick Reilly. I know that hardly makes me unique, particularly among those who know how to read, but he really is a moron.

Case in point: his latest column, a piece where he brags about stealing (with the help of a bunch of “sticky-fingered third-graders”…how cute) all the MVP Awards from those who are linked to steroids. You know, so the Almighty Lord Himself Reilly can present them to their “rightful owners.”

The gigantic Albert Pujols has completely escaped the scorn of steroid speculation simply because his greatness has been consistent. I mean, we all know you can’t get good drugs in the Dominican Republic, right Alex? Reilly knows the muscles of Pujols are pure and hands him Barry Bonds’ three MVP Trophies from 2002-2004. Wait, Adrian Beltre finished ahead of Pujols in the ’04 voting? Well, the honorable judge Reilly states, “if (Beltre) wasn’t cheating, I’m the Queen Mother.”

In 2001 the squeaky clean Luis Gonzalez “finished behind The Barry Bonds Pharmacy,” according to the new Queen Mother. Are you serious? (Reilly-style exclamation points alert) Gonzalez went for 57 homers in 1999 and 2000 combined before going off for 57 jacks in 2001! If Bonds was a pharmacy, Gonzo was Rite Aid!

Reilly the Q.M. also says Mike Piazza got screwed by Ken Caminiti. Has this guy watched the National League in the past 20 years? He can determine that Beltre was roided up like a Boone brother, but Piazza, Gonzalez or Pujols were never on anything stronger than Jerky Chew?

Could it be…hmmm…because while Piazza, Gonzalez and Pujols are all media friendly and therefore known as Good Guys, Reilly’s virtual drug tests of those three came back negative? And don’t forget about access. Bonds and Reilly have a legendary hate-hate relationship, Beltre’s English isn’t so good and Caminiti’s dead. The Q.M. won’t be interviewing them anytime soon!

Now I really want the other 103 players who tested positive for banned substances in 2003 to be announced in the same fashion Sports Illustrated happily outed A-Rod. Wouldn’t it be amusing if Reilly’s beloved Piazza, Gonzo or Pujols tested positive, rendering his newfound ability to drug test players via interviewing them useless and irrelevant? I doubt we’d see Reilly eat crow in print (ESPN probably wouldn’t let him anyway, since they wouldn’t dare let their prized investment look like another Jemele Hill), but it would be a victory over the Queen Mother for those of us tired of reading his biased drivel.

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