Andris Biedrins

Robert Rowell tells Monta Ellis about his 30-game suspension

(Monta Ellis’ cell phone rings…”SpongeBob Squarepants Theme” ringtone, as per usual)

Monta Ellis: Hello?

Robert Rowell: Hello Monta, this is Robert Rowell of the Golden State Warriors. I am the team president. How are you today?

Ellis: Cool, I just got back from the pool. I’m the fastest pool jogger in the NBA.

Rowell: Well you didn’t get back from the pool on your moped, did you Monta? Get it? Moped? Haha, hahaha … ho. Um, anyways, Monta, we have Don Nelson and Chris Mullin on the line, and we just wanted to let you know that we’ve come to a decision about what we’re going to do about your ankle injury, how it happened, all those things. M-Kay?

Ellis: Yeah.

Rowell: M-Kay????

Nellie: C’mon Robby! Just tell the kid what’s going on, you dumb bastard!

Rowell: Monta, we’re suspending you for 30 games.

Ellis: Really? Is that it?

Rowell: We’re of the opinion…

Mullin: We?!?! I never wanted to do this, I didn’t even want to be on this conference call!

Nellie: I only came into the office because Robby said there’d be scotch. And I see … no scotch. Boys, smell you later.

(Door slams)

Ellis: So I’m suspended for the games I’m already gonna miss? Sick! This is like when that college told me I was academically ineligible. I was like, who gives a s#@*, I got drafted. I’m gonna get paid!

Rowell: Monta, you will not be paid for the games in which you are suspended.

Ellis: (silence)

Rowell: Do you understand what I’m telling you?

Ellis: This ain’t cool, man. You can’t screw me like this. You’re gonna need me. What, you think Andris is gonna lead this team? You can’t learn post moves from the tanning bed.

Rowell: Monta, we are within our rights to do this, and Mully here is on board with us. Aren’t you, Mully?

Mullin: Who cares? Nothing matters. Life doesn’t matter.

Rowell: Don’t listen to him Monta, Mully’s just a little sad that he’s not going to be with us next year. Oh, poor Mully! Poor, poor Mully wants a job. Well too bad! I’m king! R-Squared is running this bitch!

Ellis: That Euro on the Lakers only got fined $500,000 for snowboarding. I’m gonna lose like $60 million dollars. How’s that fair?

Rowell: You’re only going to lose $2,984,571.14, Monta. And if you’re absolutely perfect when you get back, meaning you hit 55% of your shots, score 28 points a game and start blocking shots, you will be in line to collect your entire salary.

Ellis: And if I can’t?

Rowell: Like that funny baseball announcer says, “He gone!” Only this time, it’s “YOU gone!” Ha ha, that makes me LOL! Pretty funny, huh Mully?

Mullin: Let’s play a game of H-O-R-S-E, R-Squared. If you win, I leave today never to come back. If I win, we’re going to trade offices and you have to wear the Thunder suit for a week.

Ellis: Huh?

Rowell: You think you can beat R-Squared, huh? Maybe some other time, Mully. I have to go raise the prices on all the concessions and audition new mascots. We found a “No on Prop 8″ mascot. He wears Capri-pants, he has two nipple rings and a moustache and is actually buffer than Thunder, and that’s without a suit!

Ellis: Ummmm…

Mullin: Mascot, huh? Probably your fiance! I always knew you spent too much time around the locker room…

Rowell: Shut up flat-top. Ever think of getting a new haircut? Maybe then you might actually sniff a championship.

Mullin: The 2000 Pacers made it to the Finals!

Rowell: (in a high-pitched voice) The 2000 Pacers made it to the Finals!

Ellis: (dial tone)

Mullin: If I would have known you’ get cheap with the $10 million exception, veto the 3-year Baron extension and then push me out the door, I never would have traded DunMurphy!

Rowell: If you were so great, why’d you draft O’Bryant and Belinelli? Get out of my office. I got some mascot tapes to watch on YouTube before I meet Jed York for lunch.

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