Al Davis

Sample Raider press releases

Adam Schefter learned a lesson yesterday. Throw out a rumor about a quarterback who’s been more of a punchline than a viable NFL player lately involving the Raiders, and you’re going to get whacked in the kneecaps with an amazing press release. If you go to the Raiders’ official website and click “News” you’ll see the graphic that’s pictured on the upper right of this post. Click this to read the whole thing.

Isn’t that last line a thing of beauty? “The Raiders are very happy about their quarterback situation.” When have you ever heard an NFL team say they are “very happy” about anything? Not to say they shouldn’t be happy with what they have at the position already, at least compared to that scruffy, possibly disease-ridden former Trojan who everyone loves to see struggle, but it’s still a fantastic example of how the Raiders are unlike any pro franchise in any sport. Even Dan Gilbert’s reaction to LeBron James spurning his Cleveland Cavaliers seemed more adult-like than this press release, which looked as if it was written by either a bitter high schooler or…

Al Davis.

C’mon, can’t you see Davis penning this masterpiece? So straightforward, so paranoid, so angry. If I was Schefter I’d have flown directly to Oakland for tonight’s preseason game and videotaped the reaction of the PR staff when he showed his face in the press box. Pedro Gomez would be so jealous.

I can see Davis writing a couple other press releases about recent Raiders news items, if you don’t mind me taking a stab at Davis’ voice.

Tom Cable is Innocent

ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” has been doing what they do best: lie. Tom Cable has never struck a female, just like he never laid a hand on assistant coach Randall Hanson. Cable was warning Hanson not to lean back in his chair in a dangerous manner, and Hanson didn’t heed Cable’s advice.

Hanson got what he deserved, as chairs are not toys.

JaMarcus Russell is no longer a Raider

It has come to our attention that former Raider quarterback JaMarcus Russell has been drinking purple medical syrup for recreational purposes. We do not agree with the use of drugs that don’t improve football performance, and as a result of Russell’s urban hip hop behavior we have no choice but to release him from his contractual obligations.

Just say no to purple drank.

You know what? I’m going to stick to my day job. No one can beat Al Davis when it comes to writing these things.

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