Angel Pagan

Giants promotional gimmicks we better not see or hear

Aside from ticket sales and World Series memorabilia, I would venture to guess that a huge portion of the team’s revenue stems from cutesy gimmicks involving members of the Giants. The Lincecum wigs, Wilson beards and Panda hats are all huge sellers around AT&T Park, so they’re probably on the hunt for ways to profit off their quirky stars. I’ve cooked up a few new angles that I’m praying they don’t exploit…

“Melk” puns — The Giants have two newcomers for the 2012 season, and luckily for their marketing staff, both of their names are promotional gold. Let’s start with Melky Cabrera, whose name shares an uncanny resemblance with a cookie’s favorite beverage.

Despite the fact that it will get obnoxious really quick (especially if he’s not producing), expect to see the word “Melk” getting overused. “Got Melk” take-off T-shirts, “Melky Way” candy bar T-shirts, I wouldn’t even be shocked if “The Melk Man delivers” becomes a common way to refer to a Cabrera homer — the same tired play on words that Yankees play by play man John Sterling already beat to death.

Angel wings — The Giants’ new center fielder’s first name may prove to be a gold mine for the Giants. They can’t keep making hats every time a clever opportunity arises, right? Besides, hats with halos would remind too many Giants fans of 2002.

Yet that might not stop the Giants from selling orange and black angel wings in tribute to Angel Pagan. It’s perfect — they’ll be a pretty large souvenir, complicated enough to sell at a relatively high profit margin. The downside? We’ll end up with the 3rd and King entrance resembling a rave. It will look like a slew of candy kids en route to a Skrillex concert, complete with their angel wings and orange and black spandex. God save us, Giants fans.

“Pill the Thrill” T-Shirts — I appreciate the effort here to link past and present, but Brett Pill has done nothing that warrants sharing a nickname with Will Clark. Pill has not thrilled in his limited time as a professional athlete – that is, unless you count seeing anyone other than Aubrey Huff at first base as a thrill. I suppose that is kind of thrilling, actually.

But please, Giants, don’t melk milk opportunities to make money off players that you aren’t even willing to start. You may have missed out on the Brandon Belt “baby giraffe” craze last year, but let’s give players like Belt and/or Pill an opportunity to take meaningful at-bats and prove that they can actually be “thrilling” before you start selling anything along these lines.

I certainly don’t expect the Giants to not make any money off of marketing – they deserve their share. Because of this I’ve come up with a few alternatives of my own.

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