Kentwan Balmer

Scot McCloughan convinces Pete Carroll on Balmer

Come with me, on a trip to Renton, Washington. Pete Carroll’s office, to be specific. I just transcribed the conversation between the Seattle Seahawks head coach and Scot McCloughan regarding the recently-completed trade of a 6th round pick to the San Francisco 49ers for Kentwan Balmer, a former 1st-rounder selected by McCloughan in the 2008 NFL Draft.

McCloughan: (knock knock) Hey Pete, you gotta minute?

Carroll: I’ve always got a minute to become a champion. C’mon in and take a seat in this sweet USC Trojans beanbag chair. I’m busy picking my SOTD.

McCloughan: Wait, don’t you want to avoid STD’s? All the sores and stuff, I’ve never been a fan.

Carroll: Don’t I know it! No, I’m talking about my song of the day, brother! My song of the day on Twitter! Thinking of going with a little Linkin Park. Maybe Kings of Leon. I heard the kids like those dudes. Or a little Creed. That’s it, right there. Hey, have you seen my hacky sack?

McCloughan: I’m telling you, we have to jump on this Kentwan Balmer thing.

Carroll: Is that a new Twitter app? Because my iPhone can’t handle all these tweets I’ve been throwing down lately. I’m just so EXCITED about our KICK ASS FANS! Did you see them doing the wave on Saturday? The wave!!! I can’t wait till our first pep rally. I think we should fire off some sort of cannon, or at least have a huge bonfire on top of the Space Needle or something. I don’t know, I’m just stoked beyond words about LIFE. Bitchin’ man! High five!!!

McCloughan: (awkwardly attempts high five, stumbles, misses Carroll’s hand by six inches while loudly hiccupping) No Pete, this is about Balmer, the defensive lineman I picked in ’08 who never got a fair shot with the 49ers. He’s really upset at Sing, because Sing’s a sanctimonious prick. (Starts mumbling angrily) Oh, just because you pray and don’t drink in your office makes you the best coach in the world, doesn’t it, reverend?

Carroll: I don’t follow where you’re going, here. You talking about Patron? Because body shots are my specialty, especially in TJ!!! Although I’m totally into that whole “Icin’ some bros” thing. Smirnoff Ice is pretty tasty, especially that strawberry acai flavor.

McCloughan: Never mind. I’m in your office because we need to act fast. If we call the Niners, we can probably get Kentwan for very little. But I can’t do it because they’ve blocked me from calling them. I can’t tell you why.

Carroll: Hey, I trust you that this Bummer guy is good. Winning time! The journey always starts with a first step. John Wooden quotes. Now what position does he play again?

McCloughan: Defensive tackle or end or something.

Carroll: Do we need any defensive guys? Honestly, I haven’t watched these bros play yet. Motivation is my specialty, I leave all that X’s and O’s stuff to my buddies with the clipboards. And the motivation too, really. Frankly, I just see if there’s any USC guys available that we haven’t got yet. And if they aren’t high during their first practice, we keep ’em. How ’bout dem Hawks, SOOO-WEEE!!!!

McCloughan: I think you got your team chants mixed up there, Pete. “Soo-wee” is what you say to BBWs in the bar who aren’t your wife. But I swear, that kind of behavior is not why I left the 49ers…

Carroll: What are you talking about? Wait, who are you again?

McCloughan: I’m a consultant/spy from San Francisco here to show you all the Niners’ secrets. Like how if you pressure Alex Smith, he isn’t very accurate. Vernon Davis, he likes to make catches over the middle. And Patrick Willis is San Francisco’s best player at tackling other players. Can’t get that kind of 411 anywhere else.

Carroll: That Alex Smith guy sounds familiar … wait, he’s Reggie Bush’s friend from San Diego, right? Nice lookin’ kid…

McCloughan: Anyway, like I was saying, Balmer’s a stud. Workout FIEND. Trust me. I scouted this guy through and through, and he has what it takes. With your ability to motivate, this is a win-win.

Carroll: And as you know, I do love winning. And I love music too, because I’m hip. I tell the players not to think of me as their dad, but their cooler, tanner uncle. Actually, I think the tanner part only works if the players are white. If they’re a little more, um, “urban,” I tell them that on this team called the Seahawks, I am the “Birdman.” Get it? I’m always tweeting! And, now that I’m free of the NCAA’s totally bogus restrictions, I can get away with calling my players “Cash Money Millionaires!”

McCloughan: (Hiccup) OK buddy. Well, is it cool if we give the Niners a 6th-rounder for Balmer?

Carroll: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey dude, check out this riff: “Can you take me higher….bladadadadadaahhhhhh.” That’s inspired stuff, right there. Tell Balmer to listen to some Creed on his way to Seattle. Good for the soul, brother…

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