49ers fans, I’m going to ask you to stop reading at this point. The following post is addressed to Seahawks fans and Seahawks fans alone. Now, now, don’t even start. You guys get more than enough content on BASG tailored specifically to your interests. It’s time to address the fans who pull for the team that finished first in the NFC West this season.
No need to thank me, ‘Hawks fans. You guys deserve it. Based on the comments sections of certain posts, it’s clear you’re paying attention to what we do here. Thanks for the support, and I hope you enjoy the rest of this post (which is dedicated to the REAL Curt Warner).
Hey 12s, I’ve got something to admit. I’ve heard your complaints about the San Francisco 49ers and their fans, and they’re all spot-freaking-on. We’re the worst. Well, not me per se. I just cover the team, and I’m totally objective.
Here’s a little secret: I can’t stand these guys either.
I feel your pain, 12s. You keep trying to tell these Niners fans why their team is classless and inferior, and they just won’t listen. But I hear you, and all your gripes are 100% correct.
“Jim Harbaugh is the biggest jerkface in the universe.”
Uh, bingo! Dealing with him is next to impossible. First, you have to spend way more time thinking about how to word the questions you plan on asking before his press conferences than nearly anyone else’s in the Bay Area, which is sooooo annoying. There’s nothing that drives a sportswriter crazier than having to think and prepare.
Harbaugh doesn’t let anything slide. Try to trick him into saying something controversial that’ll go viral, make everyone think you’re a great reporter and lure Twitter followers by the truckload: he shuts you down. Ask him to compare different teams and players, or what the NFL is like now compared to when he was a player: he shuts you down. Ask him about Richard Sherman’s physical play against Anquan Boldin after Week 2, like I did: he shuts you down. Okay, maybe he didn’t shut me down … but I could tell he wanted to!
You might not know this, but there’s a sweet, caring, elderly man who covers sports in the Bay Area for a major newspaper called “The Press Democrat,” which is the paper of record in Santa Rosa (a metropolitan area that’s on par with a place like Pittsburgh or Denver, I’m pretty sure). The man I’m referring to is Lowell Cohn, but around here we all call him “The Sports Grandpa.” That’s because he’s so likable and everyone wishes he was their grandfather.
Anyway, Harbaugh is SO MEAN to poor Lowell. Sometimes he even singles Lowell out during press conferences, which is painfully rude because Lowell hates extra attention and treats Harbaugh with nothing but the utmost respect. Sometimes Harbaugh smiles during these exchanges, but his intent is no secret. He’s trying to bury our Sports Grandpa, and Lowell doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment.
Harbaugh doesn’t even chew gum either, probably because he’s too busy yelling at officials or gossiping about Sherman and Doug Baldwin.
“Colin Kaepernick is such a thug.”
I’d post the lyrics to Tupac’s “Definition Of A Thug N—-,” but they’re predictably harsh and vulgar. But rest assured, if you read them you’ll see that Mr. Shakur described Kaepernick to a T.
It’s been said that if a member of the media looks Kaepernick directly in the eye, he won’t last the rest of the season. Poof! Gone. We’ve lost a few good reporters since Kaepernick mugged Alex Smith and stole his job, but experienced beat writers know not to cross the 49ers’ current starter at quarterback. Once you’ve seen his tattoos, the headphones and those caps with the bills so menacingly flat, you know well enough to steer clear. Trust me.
A lot of people have been pointing to Kaepernick’s work with Camp Taylor over the last couple days as a response to those who give Russell Wilson (who won’t even associate with Kaepernick) the credit he so richly deserves for devoting his non-football life to helping hospitalized children and posing for photos with them. But we all know that Wilson knows how to win, and that he does HIS charity work for all the right reasons.
Just look at this tweet below, and tell me Kaepernick isn’t just trying to show off his muscles and tattoos.
— Camp Taylor (@Camp_Taylor) November 30, 2012
Put a shirt on, Kap. You’re supposed to be a quarterback, not some kiddie pool waterthug. SHOW SOME CLASS FOR ONCE.
“The fans in SF don’t know how to cheer and can’t handle loud noises.”
Surely we’re all familiar with the couple who wrote that letter to the San Francisco Chronicle. Seven million people live in the Bay Area, and you’d think they’d all know well enough to unanimously support the rights of Seahawks fans to make noise and set totally legit Guinness World Records. But no, there are Bay Area natives like the 69-year-old lady and 74-year-old gentleman who wrote that letter to the editor, lamely asking fans to keep things down. Luckily, every single person in Seattle over the age of 65 wants the fans at the Clink to get louder, because old people in the Pacific Northwest, they just get it, ya know?
Then there was the memo teaching 49ers fans how to create a homefield advantage. The 49ers insist the list of instructions was never actually sent to anyone, but thousands of fans — from season ticketholders to those who watch the games on TV — requested a set of how-to-cheer guidelines because most of them don’t understand the basic rules of the game. Why are the 49ers holding out on their poor, ignorant fans? Probably because they’re too busy polishing their quarterback’s headphones and handing out weapons.
“Go to a 49ers game and you’re guaranteed to get stabbed.”
This is a common complaint among Seahawks fans, and there’s a reason. To be considered an official member of the “49ers Faithful,” you must have sustained at least one stab wound. I have seven, all because I refused to stab a toddler who was wearing a Marshawn Lynch jersey during last year’s Thursday night game at Candlestick Park. It was “Rusty Screwdriver Night,” if memory serves. Hopefully I can get that kidney transplant soon.
FYI: they call that old stadium “The Stick” not as a way to shorten Candlestick, but because the first fan to stab someone else at a 49ers game, back in 1972, did the job with a sharpened eucalyptus branch. Don’t get it twisted — the area around Candlestick Park is called “Stabbytown” for a reason. Oh, you didn’t know that either? It must be nice to be so sheltered. Seahawks fans are so lucky that CenturyLink Field is a safe haven for fans of every team.