NFL

Steelers, Cardinals and no more Yamon Figurs

I might as well have flipped a coin these playoffs. Yep, a record of 2-8. When it comes to picking games, I’m like a combination of Bill Simmons and Bob Fitzgerald. So we don’t get our all-bird Super Bowl, instead we get the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers. This means that every other team in the NFC West will have been to the Super Bowl more recently than the Niners. It also means the Steelers are in line to secure their sixth Super Bowl victory, which means the 49ers will have one less thing to brag about. Next thing you know, Niner fans will be taunting Raider fans with chants of “Ninety-four! Ninety-four!” Just like how A’s fans yell “Eighty-nine! Eighty-nine!” at Giants fans. I’m in no mood to break these games down, which means it’s time for unrelated observations about yesterday’s action!

Eagles/Cardinals

–Let’s see, Kurt Warner and Donovan McNabb faced each other in the 2001/02 NFC Championship Game — Warner won. The Eagles are 1-3 in NFC Championship Games. Larry Fitzgerald is the best offensive player in football right now. So why did I pick the Eagles again?

–That’s right, I listen to Tony Bruno for a half hour every morning on Gary Radnich. Damn you, Philly propaganda machine!!!!!

–I also had Brian Westbrook on my fantasy team, which has taught me the following lesson: don’t ever, ever, ever trust Westbrook in a game you’re actually watching. Has anybody ever seen one of Westbrook’s great fantasy performances? All of his stats are always 180 yards rushing, 120 yards receiving and 3 TD’s against the Redskins while the Niners are playing the Seahawks. Whenever I’m watching Westbrook, all I see are delayed handoffs that go for 1 or 2 yards.

–When the completely insane (with the ball in his hand, anyway) Tim Hightower put his head down in order to more effectively crush Brian Dawkins (a noted headhunter) with his own helmet, who else thought to themselves, “We’re a lot closer to an on-field NFL fatality than anybody wants to admit”?

–If the NFL were in England, you know they would have prop bets like, “Who will be carrying the ball during the first NFL collision resulting in the death of one of its players, Tim Hightower or Marion Barber?”

–After watching the Eagles quite a bit over the last month, do any other Niner fans feel silly complaining about their receiving corps?

–Put it this way: Hank Baskett is to receivers as Chriss Angel is to magicians. And yes, that was some “Girls Next Door” knowledge for you, whether you like it or not.

–Larry Fitzgerald beat Jerry Rice’s record for receiving yards in a postseason. Fitzgerald has 419, Rice had 409 in 1988-89. No smart-ass comment here, that’s just awesome. I can’t wait until L-Fitz suddenly falls apart at age 34, just like every other non-Rice superstar receiver.

Ravens/Steelers

–I don’t know what was stranger to look at, Joe Flacco’s eyebrows or the new Cialis symbol: a silhouette of that scene with the man and woman in separate bathtubs holding hands.

–Since I can’t resist……(deep breath) Wouldn’t bathwater get cold outside? Who brought these tubs outside to these regal vistas, anyway? Have you ever known a woman who would bathe in an area where complete and total privacy was ever a question? If the whole point of the commercial successful boners and, therefore, sex, could you ever think of a more awkward move than a naked middle-aged guy climbing from his outdoor bathtub full of lukewarm water to his wife’s bathtub full of lukewarm water?

–OK, I’m done.

–Through most of the first half it was nearly impossible to imagine the Ravens scoring, partly due to their dependence on the Willis McGahee half of the running back duo we now know as “McClahee.” Would it have killed John Harbaugh to give the ball to Ray Rice, though? Rice is like Tim Lincecum to Willis McGahee’s Barry Zito.

–If rap and/or music videos still existed today, those down jackets all the Steelers were wearing on the sidelines would have been absolute game-changers. Put it this way: if Wu-Tang’s C.R.E.A.M. video would have been filmed today, Method Man would have DEMANDED both colors of the new Steelers bubblegoose to wear in different scenes.

–Funniest moment of the game: when Steelers rookie receiver Limas Sweed dropped that perfectly thrown deep ball by Ben Roethlisberger and laid in the end zone with an “injury” for over two minutes, only to be booed by the Terrible Towel waivers when he was helped up. Remember Limas, there are things called Jumbotrons at stadiums. All the fans can actually see plays after they happen (unless you’re at Candlestick or AT&T Park, and the play happens to be in any way controversial).

–From the people who brought you Deon Figures, we now get to watch Ravens receiver/returner Yamon Figurs!!! You know, that’s how I like my kick returners — when I can’t decide whether to laugh harder at the first or last name.

–If I were Chris Berman, I would call him “Yamon And-Who-Would-Have-Thought-It Figurs.” A little bit ironic, don’t you think?

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