Joey Greco: Now Terrell, we actually have some video here that you may not want to see.
Terrell Owens: Is it my quarterback?
Greco: Yes, I’m afraid it is. Come out of the rain under my umbrella Terrell. You’ll catch cold … here he is here with the suspect, getting coffee.
T.O.: Man, (sniff) I can’t believe this!!!
Greco: And here, they are going to a movie, then sharing a (cough) private moment…
T.O.: (bawling) How could he do this to me?
Greco: Now we know that he is currently with the suspect, in his home. Do you want to have … the confrontation?
(out of nowhere, creepy “Cheaters” music plays for three seconds)
T.O.: Yeah, let’s go. Ain’t nobody stealin’ MY man!
(Cheaters van takes Greco, T.O. and 24 other crew members to a mansion in suburban Fort Worth. A yellow Jeep Liberty is parked out front. In what is now a driving rainstorm, T.O. sprints out of the van up to the front door.)
T.O.: That isn’t Jessica’s Jeep Liberty! Who’s here? WHO’S IN HERE WITH MY QUARTERBACK?!?! (Rings doorbell)
Doorbell: RO … MO!!!
(Tony Romo opens the door, standing in a lavender velour robe)
Romo: Uh, hi T … I wasn’t expecting company. You’re soaking wet!
T.O.: (Crying) Who that in there with you? Is that who I think it is?
Romo: Listen, we were just playing a little Wii Fit. We weren’t talking about pass patterns, I swear.
(Suddenly Jason Witten comes around the corner, wearing a German flag Speedo and holding a Dallas Cowboys playbook)
Witten: Hello, Terrence, fancy seeing you out here. Mmmm, you look cold. You don’t want to catch cold before Sunday night, do you? Mmmm, big game, yeah. Mmmm, NBC. Tony and I were just getting ready for the big game, talking about how when you’re double covered, I can run a little buttonhook and sit right in the slot. Mmmm, as long as you run your post route correctly that is, right Tony? MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Romo: (Snickers for a second, winks at Witten and composes himself) Ahem … Terrell, listen. You’re a great receiver. You have so many great qualities. Actually, I think I am holding you back. Jason and I, well, it’s different, it’s more of a spiritual thing. With you and I, it was more physical.
T.O.: But I loved you, Tomo! I’ve never been with a quarterback I truly gave my all to, but you’re the first one I’ve ever been with who wasn’t losing his hair! You’re a genetic masterpiece, a Mona Lisa to my Statue of David. Dammit Tomo, I thought we were soul mates! And now all you do is get together and have secret playbook affairs with Jason. Don’t you wish your tight end was hot, like me? Greco, do something!
(Joey Greco rips off his Greco mask, revealing ESPN’s Ed Werder)
T.O.: Werder? Is that you?
Werder: It ain’t Tommy Grand, bitch! You just been WERDERED!!!
Romo: (shaking his head) Oh, Jesus, T. You sure got us in a mess of trouble this time.
T.O.: You mean this isn’t Cheaters? Y’all not gonna pay for me and Tomo to go to counseling?
Werder: No way Owens! This is going on SportsCenter, and now we have something to talk about all weekend besides the Heisman Trophy and who’s going to sign Mark Teixeira. Boo-yah!
Witten: Tony, can we let these soggy ragamuffins go? Our Baked Alaska is melting. Mmmm.