Bill Simmons

Thank God for mock drafts

If you’re ever wondering whether your favorite teams suck, ask yourself this question: “Have you spent more time in the past year looking at mock drafts than your team’s current statistics?”

Because I sure have. I couldn’t tell you what Alex Smith’s QB rating was in 2009, but I can tell you that Walter Football has the 49ers taking Joe Haden and C.J. Spiller in the first round. I have no idea how many points Anthony Randolph scored this year before tearing up his ankle, but I know that most outlets have the Warriors taking Wesley Johnson with the third pick. Great, the Warriors NEED another swingman. Maybe since he’s older than Randolph, Nellie will play him next year. Oh God, Nellie’s totally going to be back next year. Shudder.

Sure, NBA mock drafts are inherently stupid because the Warriors will probably end up getting shafted in the draft lottery and end up with the 6th pick or something, but it’s the future that gives us comfort in times like this.

Why even play the games anymore? Let’s just simulate every season like we’re playing Madden and wait until the superstar we’ve all been waiting for pops up in the next draft, like three cherries in a row on a slot machine.

You say “mock that,” you homes, mock this. I’m the king Ad Wiz and you’re Dick Butkus.

– Ladies in gentlemen, the award for the keenest grasp of the painfully obvious goes to this Bleacher Report writer.

– You REALLY have to check out this writer’s other posts:

– “Don Nelson is Older Now Than he was the First Time he Coached the Warriors

– “Stephen Curry’s Dad is Dell Curry

– and my personal favorite:

– “Basketballs are Made of Leather

– Reason No. 8,716 why the 49ers haven’t been relevant in over a decade: their infatuation with backup quarterbacks on the NY Giants that’ll have more productive careers as broadcasters.

– I haven’t really touched on Bill Simmons subjects because of the name of this site. That’s what happens when your fiance buys www.thesportsguy.com for you as a Christmas present two years ago. You get that ESPN guilt, which somehow is very similar to Jewish guilt. Who knew?

– An aside: Really Simmons? You couldn’t spend the $20 to reserve the URL that contains the name that you’ve been known as for over a decade? Of course, working for a corporate mega-giant myself these days, I can understand how someone can assume the corporation he/she works for would cover their ass when it comes to SEO, then be surprised when they find out that the corporation they work for has no interest in protecting the content they sell.

– Anyway, after convincing SGL to also spring for “www.bayareasportsguy.com” and a few other BASG-related URL’s, I figured that while I owed Simmons a little debt because I hadn’t gotten rid of the “sports guy” portion of my name, the fact that I really don’t write like Simmons at all and never took unnecessary pot-shots at him meant I could go by BASG and not be considered a complete and total parasite.

– OK, now that we have that settled, some Simmons talk that I can’t won’t avoid any longer:

– The guy’s been long overdue for a pounding from the people who’ve been reading him. There hasn’t been a writer in the history of the published word who’s been read more often by more people over a 10-year span. The fact that all you have to say is “Karate Kid” and “Rocky” and you’ve already made a Simmons- joke shows that the Sports Fella has had made a nuclear impact on the world of sports-nerdery. Simmons-backlash was inevitable, and, as his writing has gotten more detached from the “everyfan” persona which made him so popular, the backlash is certainly deserved.

– Yes, the “Ali-Tiger chat” made me do a double-take when I first read it in one of the more disjointed chat sessions I’ve ever read on ESPN.com (if I were Simmons I’d make a “Two Coreys” joke here).

– No, it didn’t surprise me that guys like Charles Pierce and Keith Olbermann jumped on the chance to revel in Simmons’ retardedry.

– And after all of this, I have one question: what do I need to say something stupid about to get this kind of attention? He’s in a contract year, you idiots! Saying something half-baked about the most salacious story of the year (Tiger Woods) while bringing up the biggest star alive (Muhammad Ali) in the same process is so, so obviously a publicity stunt. Even a Bleacher Reporter should be able to figure that out.

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