Al Davis: I am extremely upset. I have crafted a stadium, a coliseum, a mausoleum of epic proportions. It even bares tha great name of tha father of tha AFL and NFL: Mount Davis. That’s why I called this meeting so we can all brainrain, or whatever tha young people call it nowadays. Why has Oakland foresaken me? Why has everyone decided to ignore tha greatnuss that is tha Raiduhs?
John Herrera: It’s that damned Kawakami! (Starts shaking) That no-good muckraker, that smoke-pot asshole! He’s sabotaging us like the refs with the tuck rule! We’re doomed! Doomed, I tell you!
Amy Trask: Al, I think the Raiders have some good stuff going for them. There’s an air of mystery to the team that is very appealing to the 44-54-year-old male costume-wearing demographic.
Tom Cable: God, I hate women.
Al Davis: Thomas, this is no time to uttuh tha obvious. We know you have an anguh management problem. We’re here to discuss tha BLACKOUT problem. How do we solve this dillemuh?
Amy Trask: Well Al, by our statistical models there’s no actual way the Raiders can sell out a game in Oakland. With our ticket prices, the area demographics and the team’s current reputation, we’d have to give away at least 20,000 tickets to achieve full capacity for any of our remaining home games.
Al Davis: Give away tickets! After what I’ve done for these people? They can stay away. I’m not going anywhere. Unless Los Angeles builds a stadium, then we will go theyuh.
Amy Trask: I know I’ve said this before, Al, but what about sharing a new stadium with the 49ers in San Francisco? Carmen Policy has put together a pretty nice proposal. If you’d like to look at it I have it here, I can show you…
Al Davis: (dismisses Trask with a handwave) What? Policy wants me to move tha Silvuh and Black to that fairy-town with all tha peter puffahs? I’d rathuh wear a three-piece suit than share a facility with a franchise as inept as tha one in San Francisco. Next idea.
John Herrera: We could do an all-out PR blitz against Kawakami and Michael Silver.
Al Davis: Done. Especially Silvuh. Take out his knees if you have to.
Tom Cable: Can I go after Ann Killion and Nancy Gay?
Al Davis: I think it’s bettuh to lay low, Thomas. Wait until tha end of the season to start shaking dames by their shoulders again.
Amy Trask: Honestly, Al. Listen. L.A. is nowhere near happening. People hate us for ruining the Oakland Coliseum. The 49ers and Raiders need to share a facility if we want any hope of getting public funding for a new stadium. We don’t have to play on the field at the same time, and we can even paint the end zones in Silver and Black every time we play there. We had less than 35,000 fans come see our team on Sunday, meaning 30,000 possible paying customers and the entire region missed perhaps the most exciting football game of the NFL regular season.
Al Davis: Exactly. These ingrates should be punished for blacking out tha Silvuh and Black. This calls for less media access, more attacks on media members, highuh-priced tickets and renewed public threats of moving to Los Angeles.
Tom Cable: And ritualized woman-beatings!
Al Davis: Thomas, I told you to take your meduhcaytion. Keep your hands off tha broads until I reassign you to PR Director next year.
John Herrera: WHAT?!?!
Al Davis: Don’t worry John, you’ll be tha coach.
Amy Trask: (sigh) I’m going back to my office to go deny interview requests for our players and weep silently. Let me know when you’re open to sharing a stadium with the Niners.
Al Davis: Nevuh! Tha fairies must go down, and they must go down hard. Just not on me!
Tom Cable: Good one, boss.