You hear a lot about role models when the talking heads on ESPN and KNBR are discussing the best players and teams. Unfortunately for the Patriots, I think they chose the wrong role model for their team. Sure, Britney Spears performed at the Super Bowl before Tom Brady’s Pats got there. But just because she experienced Super Bowl glory first does not mean the Pats should follow in her post-Super Bowl actions.
I know all you sports guys have seen the troubling signs that the Patriots are following the dark path of Britney. As an avid reader of Perez Hilton and an expert on all Britney matters, I can show you that the Patriots are not far from the UCLA psych ward. Here are the symptoms that will soon lead to the diagnosis that the Patriots are the New Britney Spears.
B.S. Symptom #1: Illegal Drug Use
Oh Willie. Don’t you know that if you’re going to drive an unregistered vehicle that you shouldn’t have lots of unregistered pot in there with you? While Britney has never been charged with illegal drug use, she has driven illegally many times. And as we all know, using drugs leads to all sorts of illegal driving. And if one Patriot is smoking pot, you know that there must be more than one following in this illegal path.
B.S. Symptom #2: Justin Timberlake Dumps You
When I heard that Justin Timberlake wasn’t rooting for the Patriot in the Super Bowl, I knew a Patriot meltdown would not be far away. And given their Super Bowl performance, you could tell that like Britney Spears, Tom Brady hadn’t recovered from JT’s rejection. So while both the Pats and the Spears were crying a river for JT’s approval, he just said bye, bye, bye.
B.S. Symptom #3: Scandalous Videos
We have been teased over scandalous videos soon to be released by former friends of both Billy Belichick and Britney. While the subject matter of the videos may vary slightly, both videos could lead to the further demise of the careers of B&B, and ultimately more drug use and more rejection from Justin.
B.S. Symptom #4: Abandoned Kiddies
It’s hard to believe that Tom Brady could forget he has a kid, because Bridget Moynahan is constantly talking to the media about how their baby feels about not having a dad during his baby therapy sessions. While Baby Brady isn’t stuck with K-Fed like Britney’s kids are, being left to an angry, bitter, Gisele-hating woman is no better. What could have been a dynasty of future pop stars and football players will now lead not only to lifetime therapy for all children involved, but the parents as well (as exemplified by Spears’ parents themselves).
B.S. Symptom #5: Everyone Else Wants to See You Fail (i.e. ’72 Dolphins)
Sad but true, when your star is high the public wants to see it fall. While the paparazzi and Americans need to see the Britney train wreck play by play, I believe that the ’72 Dolphins are behind the demise of the Patriots and their gradual, but imminent, fall from grace. All I can say to the ’72 Dolphins is that no one cares that you had the “perfect” season. The Patriots have already technically beat your record with more games than were played in 1972. And you all are old, boring and not dating any supermodels. Go back to your bingo game and hopefully, if the Patriots turn away from the Britney path soon, they’ll get it done next year. I’m not a Pats fan, but I’m tired of hearing trash talk from old dolphins.
I could go on with further symptoms, and would like to communicate the information back to the UCLA psych ward for use in their preparations. If you all have seen any other troubling signs, please comment on them below. As far as I can tell, the Patriots are in a very bad state.